“I’d been sitting at the bar for three hours, or five years depending on the way you looked at things.”

Stagnation.

That’s the theme of Week 7.

I only covered 24.91kms.

A rather drastic 6km short of the past week.

But somehow I lost a lot of my motivation this week. Things just weren’t clicking. I moved slower, I reacted slower. I felt like giving up more.

Things just felt … harder.

I guess the heat has finally gotten to me. I skip 2 days in a row, and this is what happens. My mental well is exhausted of its water and suddenly everything seems harder.

I guess I should give a quick discussion about that well.

Halfway through one of my sets, I thought about what it was that was driving me.

I knew why. I wanted to become faster. I wanted to lose weight so I could drive quicker and look better. I wanted the physique of a professional driver.

But somehow that answer didn’t satisfy me.

And that literally sapped my strength. My push-ups felt weaker and my mental fortitude slipped.

Which is where we come to my query …

How much of our mental health is band-aided?

How really strong are we mentally?

How much of what we do is just a distraction from the inner pain? What actually cures that pain?

Have most of my workouts been a band-aid for a deeper issue? I’ve thrown myself into this challenge, thinking deeply about how shallow my actual goal is. To look good by 30.

But what am I really thinking about?

Am I making up for lost time, being ashamed about my body? Am I doing this because society tells me that I don’t look good? That I’m not strong? That I lack something?

Its a terrifying thought, to be confronted with what you have been doing, the routine you’ve established is merely a temporary fix for what’s really wrong.

Because you end up looking at everything you do differently. That reckless spending on toys you clearly don’t need, but oddly want.

The music you listen to. Holidays. Drinking. Friends. Lovers. The procrastination. The lack of will … all because you are too afraid of taking an honest look at yourself.

So what is wrong with me? What has been an band-aid and what has been genuine motivation?

I don’t think I can answer that here.

A talk with someone might though.

Its been a tough week. The stress is only mounting with the arrival of TET becoming imminent in my mind. Yet I still have to devote an hour to exercise. At least 15 minutes of reading. An hour and half to my business.

I got to maintain a discipline. A rigidity to the world’s chaos.

Without it, I’d be even in a worse state than I am now.

I got to stop this yo-yo effect though. I can’t just keep re-arming myself one week and then run dry on a second. That’s just poor discipline. Poor will.

I need to keep up the tempo. To dedicate myself to this structure without fail, pause or complaints.

Where my mind may falter, my will must not.

Consistency is key.

I got to watch my diet. Eating less should be an easier task, considering I have been very conscious about how much I eat nowadays.

This coming week, I shall be measuring myself for my weight again. Week 8 will be the All-Seeing Eye. It shall reveal whether my inconsistent regime has paid off, whether that extra 15 minutes has mattered or whether I have failed.

I’m nervous again.

If it turned out I gained weight ….

Its time to light a fire again and burn.

Burn, Burn and feel the Burn again.

~Damocles

“You see this guy here? That’s the toughest opponent you’re ever going to have to face. I believe that’s true in the ring, and I think that’s true in life. Now show me something.”

If Week 5 was the worst week, in terms of commitment, Week 6 has proven to be the absolute toughest week I have ever done.

Thus it is a new type of worse.

The heat.

God, the heat.

I really suffered on Wednesday. The incredible heat seared every part of my body and I found myself gasping and struggling for air, with every pore crying out for some kind of cool-down.

I have never had to take a proper break. But I did. And I wimped out at 40 minutes.

Every minute of that Wednesday workout was agony. I wanted to give up so many times. The female announcer on my ipod nano would say “5 minutes” and honestly, it felt like I did 15 minutes of working out.

Even after I took a super cold shower, I stepped out and just felt heat radiate from every pore, as my body did its best to cool down. It was like some bizarre engine, trying to bleed out excess heat.

I guess that is the price I pay for training outside. But I am too attached to my free “outside humiliation” gym now. It hasn’t cost me a single cent, and I just use equipment that’s already available to me.

I told myself last week, that I would re-arm and re-focus and clear my evil eye.

Just wasn’t ready for that heat. Still, this week has been the most consistent, with 6 days of working out, and me covering 29.9km.

After writing this, I might just go out and run, just to hit 30km.

Skipping, Running, Walking, Push-Ups and Sit-Ups.

That’s the routine every day and admittedly, I feel like I got a lot more in the tank now.

I’m sprinting harder and faster, my skipping is flowing more and I can go on one foot or swing the rope side to side.

The intensity can be ramped up a bit more if I didn’t have such a weird busted left leg. Maybe I really did pull a muscle and its just not healing quickly enough for me.

But that’s too bad. I just got to fight through the pain and deal with it. I’m not stopping and I’m committing myself to this self-punishing asylum.

Maybe Week 8, I’ll start pushing it to 1 hour and 15 minutes.

I also have to admit, that there was another reason why I went ahead and trained in the heat, despite the searing sensation I felt in my lungs later that day ….

It was to emulate both the famous desert training sequence in Creed II and the fact that I made the bold promise to be a volunteer firefighter next year (probably March).

If I can’t stand 40 degree heat …. how can I become a firefighter?

I have to get used to the shortness of breath, the insane toll, heat takes on you and the sweatiness of it all.

I have to say though, the workout the day after, in normal heat, felt so much better and I managed to push even harder.

This is what I’ve written so far, A Blocked Lyricism.

Its meant to be a strange song about Writer’s Block.

Its not very good, but it is an attempt.

I’ll keep at it. Nothing gets better without practice.

A lot of things have been weighing down my mind recently. Festival work, Boyfriend commitments, Workout commitment, Miniso work …. the whole challenge of making myself write twice a week ….

I can sense it ageing me. A lot of people comment on how tired I look.

But that’s the grind. I mean, I would like to hope that at some point, it’ll be normal for me to work out twice a day. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon.

I just got to keep going at it.

One Step at a Time. One Punch at a Time. One Round at a Time.

There’s a mantra I ended up adopting in that searing heat, when I was gasping for air and any breeze. Where everything felt like it was on fire and I couldn’t think straight.

You broken?

No sir.

Then get up.

I would whisper that call and response over and over.

Its late now (12:36am) and I should sleep. But I still got another 100 metres to run.

Better get to it.

Might as well skip for a bit too. Clear my head.

Get evil again.

~Damocles.

Lots to think about. I’ve slacked off in Week 5. Its time to reassess, re-arm and remove the mental walls. Time to get evil.

Right off the bat, I am going to say that this week has simply not been good enough.

I skipped 3 days. Monday, Tuesday and Saturday.

Monday and Tuesday, I had things on and couldn’t do it. Poor excuses for missing them.

I especially despise my excuse for Saturday …. I took a nap, and by the time I woke up, it was too late to exercise.

Or maybe in my head it was too late.

Should I train at 9pm?

Maybe I should. Who cares if its dark.

Been a long week of disappointment.

And yes, the format has changed. I’m going to put less statistics, as its a bit dull, and only put the total calories and kilometres done.

23.25 kilometres

1579 calories.

It should be more than 30 kilometres.

God I’m annoyed at myself.

Speaking of being annoyed …. here is my latest written post.

Its essentially a huge rant about the situation down here in Australia.

Not happy.

It has not been a very good week overall. I’ve slacked off, ever since I hit the month mark.

You ever get that feeling that you celebrated too early and suddenly, before you realise, you’ve lost all the progress you made?

Yeah, that’s how I feel at the moment.

In other news, I am now currently halfway through my Napoleon book. Still bloody riveting, I can’t believe his rise … and now I am about to go through his fall and subsequently his resurrection.

It always surprises me how destiny simply blesses a certain figure that will rise to titantic stature due to being in the right place, at the right time, with the right skill-set and charisma.

Napoleon was lucky, skilled, innovative and admittedly an incredible forward thinker. I think the thing that made him so formidable, so inventive and so dangerous, was his ability to question everything and gather as much intelligence as he could.

There are many reports of him questioning people who knew better, just so that he could fill gaps in his knowledge. He would walk the plains where battles were held, so he could manoeuvre his troops better and would accurately feed disinformation to his enemies through false deserters.

Equally interestingly, was his suppression of the press and falsifying reports about his victories and losses. The French population would not hear about Trafalgar, one of his most famous losses, until 1814, nine years after the battle was won.

Emperor/dictators …. they get a lot done, with some loss to freedoms.

Makes me wonder if its worth it?

Perhaps.

But then I admit I’ve always been more or less an anarchist, or a person who would rather lose some of his freedoms for an extremely clever and efficient leader.

Yeah I’m weird that way. I just don’t trust people to make the right choices when it comes to

Anyway, I digress …

This week’s workout has already for me tired. Today’s heat caused me to pause twice, and sweat excessively. I am low-key dreading the next couple of days where the heat will only get worse.

But … if Creed could do it, then I suppose I have to push through.

60 minutes has been kicking my ass though, now that I’ve also increased the intensity of my workout, with longer runs, added core exercises (sit ups and wall sits) and more advanced skipping exercises.

I’ve also decided what my ideal weight is …. anywhere below 70kgs.

Its the standard weight for all Formula 1 drivers and if its good enough for them to be the fastest people on land, then its good enough for me.

My last measurement was 82kgs.

That’s 13+ kilograms to trim down.

It definitely did not help that I am pretty sure I snacked a bit too much in Week 5.

All around, after all the positivity of the first 4 weeks, this is a set-back.

But the heat is turning up.

Its up to me to stay cool, stay focused and hungry.

Literally.

~ Damocles.

This was and will remain the view …. every-day for the past month. My three constant companions is the Runnin (feat. A$AP Rocky), my skipping rope and my beat-up TeamMONASH water bottle. 45 mins. Soon to be 60.

Exercise Statistics:

6 workouts – Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Furthest Distance – 5.43km

Run Distance – 28.77km

Time – 5 hrs

Calories – 1938

Average workout time – 50 mins

Biggest news first.

I’ve lost a confirmed 2kg in the whole month. Sitting at 82kg now.

Not bad. But I feel like there was some definite room for improvement. The biggest one being if I didn’t push myself so hard during Week 3 and thus pull both my leg muscles, I would have seen better gains.

I also need to watch my diet a lot more. Just because this is becoming routine, doesn’t mean I should start slacking off my diligence when it comes to the amount of food I eat.

Dieting is tougher than exercising.

Drink more Damocles. Drink water. Drink anything, but don’t snack.

On a more positive note …. skipping has become a slight mania for me. I’m now jumping smaller and faster, feeling more light on my feet and the rope movement is speeding up.

Its a good feeling. Now I just have to get the perfect swing side to side and I’ll start looking like some amateur boxer.

This next month or so, I will have to boost the intensity. Maybe skip for longer. Sprint a bit harder …. they say that the closer you get to your goal, the harder it is.

I have to focus and don’t let myself slip.

Consumption:

I ended up eating a whole bag of Trolli’s gummy worms on Wednesday, where I decided to take a day off.

Tsk. Relapse. I feel extremely guilty afterwards.

I ended up pushing myself even harder on Thursday.

Intellectual Exercise:

Maths: Has taken a hit. I haven’t solved a problem in a while, since I’ve been so busy with the TET Festival and redesigning a website. Have to maintain more discipline. Need to get back to answering those daily questions. It only takes 15 minutes damnnit.

English: Read my ramble about my addiction to speed and why it has defined almost everything I do. Need for Speed.

Reading: Thank god though, that I haven’t slipped here. I’ve taken to the habit of bringing my water bottle and Napoleon book everywhere. I have just reached one of the heights and incredible low of Napoleon’s career …. the battle for Austerlitz and Trafalgar.

Its truly amazing how much his tactical genius shone, and ushered in a whole new rulebook that would last till 1945.

I would like a better EDC (Every Day Carry) bag though. I would like to stick my SOF Tactical Tourniquet in there, as well a powerbank for my accursed Galaxy 9.

Would probably like to shop more to better improve my overall EDC ideology, but that can wait once all my crazy purchases for TET has been handled.

Speaking of the festival, observe my website? Send through any feedback.

That about sums up Week 4. The first month of the Before 30 Challenge.

Overall, I guess I am pleased with my progress.

But like all annoying perfectionists who value efficiency in all things, I can’t help feel I could have done a bit better.

You’re always 2 seconds slower than you would like to be.

Gah.

Just have to apply myself even harder.

~Damocles

Lucas Botkin & Liku in a T.Rex Arms video, showcasing why dry-firing can translate over to real practical shooting skills. Lucas has been somewhat of an inspiration for me, his factual, documentary-style tutorials, overall aesthetic of website and videos and no-bullshit attitude are refreshing in this world of stupid talk. Plus he started his own company, T.Rex Arms, a holster manufacturer, at the age of 19 and is now teaching law enforcement and military members on the finer aspect of shooting …. despite being self-taught. 

Exercise Statistics:

5 workouts – Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Furthest Distance – 4.88km

Run Distance –  22.74km

Time – 4.04 hrs

Calories – 1532

Average workout time – 48 mins

I have to say, the break between last Friday’s workout and my follow-up one on Tuesday was easily the biggest morale breaker for me.

I have never felt so incredibly sluggish when starting my workout on Tuesday and to top it off, I had extended it by another 15 minutes. I somehow felt far worse than I did the previous week and I just didn’t want to do it.

By Wednesday though, I was feeling better.

However the Saturday was the roughest. I woke up early, as to not miss out my workout and on an empty stomach, did my routine.

Skip, Skip, Skip. Run, Run, Run. Push-up, Push-up, Push-up.

Repeat.

Throw in a squat or two. Side step instead of run. Walk if I am feeling too tired to run. I throw in a couple of draws too.

At the end of my workout, I always push myself to run to the end of the block, instead of just the small 30 metre distance I set myself.

I pushed myself so hard, I ended up pulling my calf muscle.

I gave it 110%. I know that I can’t get better if I don’t push myself. I have to push to the point of failure.

But …

That ended up with me skipping Sunday to let my leg recover.

And compromised my pace today on Monday.

Damn leg.

Consumption:

Not much snacking. I ended up eating all my supply on Monday and so for the whole week …. I ended up not eating anything crazy and surprisingly didn’t find any cravings. I still need to drink more water though.

Still washing my face though. Those eye-bags are still extremely prominent.

Intellectual Exercise:

Maths: OK. I remember the smaller things. Like 180 degrees in a triangle. Struggling with algebra. Which is incredibly annoying, since I used to rule algebra.

English: Here is the latest: The GAFA Child.

Reading: I am a bit disappointed with myself. I have been reading a bit less. Probably due to the insane amount of stress I’ve gone through this week, particularly in regards to the TET festival. I’ve been so worked up and concerned, I’ve almost stopped reading.

Got to get back into it. I need to learn to bring my book with me and my water bottle everywhere.

Probably should just learn to accept bags in my life to be honest. Even though I hate wearing them.

That sums up Week 3.

What a struggle it has been to get out of the three day funk. On the plus side, my skipping is getting more efficient and faster.

My stamina still needs a lot more work and how to maintain a high level of proficiency over my body at what I feel is 90%.

I want to raise that 90% effort to a high level.

Next week, Week 4 marks a whole month of this routine. I will also be measuring myself.

Am I nervous?

Damn right I am.

I hope to see some small change occur.

~Damocles.