“I’d been sitting at the bar for three hours, or five years depending on the way you looked at things.”
That’s the theme of Week 7.
I only covered 24.91kms.
A rather drastic 6km short of the past week.
But somehow I lost a lot of my motivation this week. Things just weren’t clicking. I moved slower, I reacted slower. I felt like giving up more.
Things just felt … harder.
I guess the heat has finally gotten to me. I skip 2 days in a row, and this is what happens. My mental well is exhausted of its water and suddenly everything seems harder.
I guess I should give a quick discussion about that well.
Halfway through one of my sets, I thought about what it was that was driving me.
I knew why. I wanted to become faster. I wanted to lose weight so I could drive quicker and look better. I wanted the physique of a professional driver.
But somehow that answer didn’t satisfy me.
And that literally sapped my strength. My push-ups felt weaker and my mental fortitude slipped.
Which is where we come to my query …
How much of our mental health is band-aided?
How really strong are we mentally?
How much of what we do is just a distraction from the inner pain? What actually cures that pain?
Have most of my workouts been a band-aid for a deeper issue? I’ve thrown myself into this challenge, thinking deeply about how shallow my actual goal is. To look good by 30.
But what am I really thinking about?
Am I making up for lost time, being ashamed about my body? Am I doing this because society tells me that I don’t look good? That I’m not strong? That I lack something?
Its a terrifying thought, to be confronted with what you have been doing, the routine you’ve established is merely a temporary fix for what’s really wrong.
Because you end up looking at everything you do differently. That reckless spending on toys you clearly don’t need, but oddly want.
The music you listen to. Holidays. Drinking. Friends. Lovers. The procrastination. The lack of will … all because you are too afraid of taking an honest look at yourself.
So what is wrong with me? What has been an band-aid and what has been genuine motivation?
I don’t think I can answer that here.
A talk with someone might though.
Its been a tough week. The stress is only mounting with the arrival of TET becoming imminent in my mind. Yet I still have to devote an hour to exercise. At least 15 minutes of reading. An hour and half to my business.
I got to maintain a discipline. A rigidity to the world’s chaos.
Without it, I’d be even in a worse state than I am now.
I got to stop this yo-yo effect though. I can’t just keep re-arming myself one week and then run dry on a second. That’s just poor discipline. Poor will.
I need to keep up the tempo. To dedicate myself to this structure without fail, pause or complaints.
Where my mind may falter, my will must not.
Consistency is key.
I got to watch my diet. Eating less should be an easier task, considering I have been very conscious about how much I eat nowadays.
This coming week, I shall be measuring myself for my weight again. Week 8 will be the All-Seeing Eye. It shall reveal whether my inconsistent regime has paid off, whether that extra 15 minutes has mattered or whether I have failed.
I’m nervous again.
If it turned out I gained weight ….
Its time to light a fire again and burn.
Burn, Burn and feel the Burn again.