B30 Challenge Week 21 Rundown

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Empty streets. If you ever wanted loneliness, now is the time to walk. 

What is there to update?

Well, despite the huge global pandemic, and the restriction on movement, and my extreme lapse in exercise, due to all the above factors, I still managed to lose an extra 2 kilograms.

So now, I am sitting steady at 73kg.

4kgs away from my goal.

It seems my dieting, whilst not as tight as before, is still working.

What isn’t working as well though, are my writing skills. They seem to have gotten a tad rusty, during my sojourn, and it is reflected in my struggle to put my thoughts together in this very rundown.

So I guess I will have to adopt, a rapid fire paragraph approach to all the issues that I think I’ve faced during this very long absence of posts.

I am still working. 

Boredom is very much the name of the game here, at my workplace. With the shopping centre devoid, robbed and closed of any personality and people, I have taken to walking around the centre, indulging in a post apocalyptic fantasy. Eating alone in a shop, with no one in it, is definitely a strange callback to the vibes I felt when watching that Will Smith helmed I Am Legend. 

COVID-19 

I guess I always saw this coming. It was either going to be a zombie outbreak, which despite fiction and no basis in science, is genuine, irrational fear of mine, or a plague. I couldn’t see nuclear apocalypse happening, because even if it did, no preparation of mine could stop it.

But I did see plagues and zombies as a real fear because well … I could still be around when they strike. I remember thinking very early about vaccinations and wondering when viruses and bacteria got so good at beating man at their own game, that a supervirus would wipe out humanity. COVID-19’s delayed reaction, spread and diverse symptoms are a sign that viruses are getting better at beating us.

Plus the Earth got to restore some balance to itself. We’re certainly aren’t doing anything about ourselves to stop ourselves. We used to be one with nature, back in the days of the First Nation people. Now, our hubris, arrogance, and dominance has finally come to bite us in the arse.

One virus is all it takes to literally halt the endless “progress” mankind values so much. A sobering reminder of our mortality and puny nature.

Finance

I’m still working. Even though I don’t want to. I guess it’s a small blessing, when so many people are out of a job. I am still getting fortnightly payments and I guess I can start saving aggressively for things on my wish-list. I just wished work wasn’t so boring.

Weather

My favourite season is essentially here. With daylight saving over, and time genuinely being correct, I can start to unwind and relax in this cold and darker period of the year. Even though it’s freezing outside, and exercise shouldn’t be recommended, if I get enough gear, I can probably still maintain my running ability and skipping progress.

Hmm … guess it’s time to go Under Armour shopping.

It’s nice to know that the weather finally reflects how shitty of a year this has been, instead of mocking us indoor-bound creatures with perfect skies and clear water.

Daily routine

This is the moment of shame for me. Without work, both from Tofu Events and Miniso, it has been an endless cycle of these 5 games:

For Honor, Grand Theft Auto V, Call of Duty Modern Warfare, Insurgency Sandstorm and Animal Crossing. 

And with eating in between all of those, youtube videos and little else.

I haven’t even read a book yet. Or raced cars in a simulator. In other words, practice actual skills.

Pretty damn depressing.

What a degenerate I’ve become. I guess that’s why I am writing this right now. To spark some creativity back into my system. My mind demands that I do something productive, create something of myself.

It’s always never ceases to amaze and disgust me, how much of a slob I become, when robbed of the feeling: purpose.

Atmosphere

It’s strange. Fear is rampant, and yet I also see happier families playing in the yard and more family time being spent. Of course there are the hilarious stories of people hating their spouse, because they actually have to spend time with them but for those who live for domesticity, it’s been interesting to see them blossom.

Then on the other side, you have people dying, hospital workers being stretched to their limits, retail workers getting abused for toilet paper and a lot of other stupid shit, that humans end up resorting to when finally faced with the idea of death.

Overall, I would say this COVID-19 is ultimately a good thing. It’s about damn time people woke up to themselves and what impact we can have on each other and the Earth. In a very cold, honest way, I can’t help but think this is a really good lesson to humanity. A lot of things are always more clear when seen through the lens of mortality.

I mean that in all honesty. All the small problems you have, suddenly look petty when compared to the idea of death or spreading death to people you love. We’ve finally stopped worshiping stupid stuff, like the importance of celebrity, whether the new Iphone will be better, whether you really need a HSP at 2am at night.

We can, finally, as a species, take a damn breather from the prison we’ve created for ourselves and actually appreciate the finer aspects of life.

But ultimately the reason why I say it’s good, is because the environment finally has a chance to recover from our destructive lifestyle. I was stunned by the images seen from Venice, where the waters were clear and dolphins had returned. Or the satellite imagery of pollution levels in Italy, after a week of people staying indoors.

How strange is it to think, that climate change progress has been accelerated by a huge margin, because everyone stays indoor and the world just slowed down. Less tourists, less business, less people out … I could only wish that in the future to help our planet, we would make a COVID-19 memory week where everything shut down.

I would also like to think that people think a bit more harshly on governments. Maybe all these disasters faced this year, shows people the importance of being kept abreast of politics. You can hate politics, and despise politicians, but you can never afford to be ignorant of politics.

After all, these people are the ones that dictate your lives in times of crises and if you vote and choose the wrong party, people lose their lives and stupid decisions get made like bringing in a passenger ship with 100 confirmed cases and letting them loose in a bustling metropolis.

I never understood people who chose to vote without thought or care. It is yours and everyone’s else lives at stake here.

Be informed with every decision. Even when it comes to ticking a box to a person’s name.

State of Mind

If I had to sum up my existence in the midst of this COVID-19 pandemic, I suppose I would say it like this:

Bored and lacking drive. 

Which, if I am honest, is essentially the same before the whole pandemic started. So not much have changed.

I just got to make the most of what I have. Exercising outside, is not foreign to me. Nor is being indoors for days on end. Making little money at my store is also not much of a change, even when my shopping centre was full.

I don’t miss different food all that much, nor exploring the city.

I think the only inconvenience, is my inability to get a haircut. My hair is getting annoyingly long. Maybe it’s time to invest in an electric shaver.

These are weird times. Certainly not the end of the world, but I suspect when I look back on it, it was a time when the world stood still just for a tiny bit.

~Damocles

All American (Fiction)

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End of Watch (2012)

The boredom started, because some ass-wipe thought it would be funny to take his .22 Long Rifle and have a few pot shots at people walking along the street. 

They gave me all the details. 10 shot. 4 dead. 3 gravely wounded and the other half going to need therapy and a lot of alcohol to deal with what just happened.

It was a perfect day, no wind, sunny, temperatures reaching a warm 80, just your regular beautiful Tuesday in Austin.

Ideal conditions for a wannabe punk sniper too. 6 minutes was all it took.

He was a lot of things. Tall, dark, handsome, an out of towner, and armed with 2 things … a Remington rimfire rifle, and a 1911 pistol.

What an All-American I remembered thinking during the briefing. No one asked why he did it. All that mattered was he was another name on the list for us to catch.

We followed SOP* …

Put an immediate BOLO** out. Had uniforms searching every street. SWAT teams were smashing down doors of suspected hide-outs. Witnesses, informants … anyone and everyone were interviewed, some … more aggressively than others. 

I was one of those aggressors. One of the victims who had been shot, was my niece. She was on her way home from basketball practice, and now she was in hospital, fighting to breathe, after a .22 collapsed a lung. 

The punk was good. Despite using the shittiest, smallest and weakest bullets ever designed, he had shot his victims multiple times. The ones who died, went through agony, as the tiny rounds tore them apart, many times over.

It was sadistic.

The only reason why the others, my niece among them, had survived because they had scrambled for cover despite their wounds and the incoming sirens made him run away. He didn’t even bother to hide the fact that he had a rifle slung over his shoulder. 

The moment the briefing was over, I went straight to my squad car. I was one of the few uniforms who didn’t need a partner. I had survived enough, shot enough and been shot at enough to warrant my solo status.

I went to every single informant I had and beat them with a nightstick until they gave me everything, truths … lies … names … times … all of it, until I was tired of swinging. I would storm back into my car, head ablaze with information, none of it useful to the current man-hunt. 

Then, I would replay back tapes that the FBI had released to us, about the claims from eyewitnesses. 70% of them were horseshit. People loved to bullshit the police. They saw it as their moment of fame or a chance to humiliate us and confuse us. Others had shit memories and no eye for detail. Things we already knew were repeated constantly. 

He was a lot of things. Tall, dark, handsome, an out of towner, and armed with 2 things … a Remington rimfire rifle, and a 1911 pistol.

An All-American.

But the 30% of useful information helped us create a towering mountain of evidence. 

People reported hearing shots from an abandoned building that was directly perpendicular to the street where the shooting took place. It was old, rickety, soon to be demolished. Any windows had already been smashed, every wall covered in graffiti, and the entire place reeked of decay, cigarettes and weed.

But shell casings were also found, as well as a small groove that the punk had carved out to rest his rifle. Ballistics matched the shell casing and trajectories of the bullets perfectly. 

The 30% also gave us a precise description of what happened in those fateful 6 minutes, and enough details to create a computer generated impression of the man for our BOLO.

Everything needed to give him a death sentence was dotted, signed and stamped. 

Now all we needed was the punk himself. 

Depending on your world view, I had been waiting for a half hour or half a lifetime. 

To me it felt like half a lifetime.

I love being productive. Beating up people felt like it was constructive. Driving hard to catch joy-riders was equally dynamic. As was even doing mountains of paperwork. Because you knew every action mattered to keeping people behind bars.

But the waiting was the worse. There are only so many times you can check, recheck and reload your Glock 17. You can’t fiddle with your taser, or tweak your radio’s position on your belt for 2 hours. All you can do is wait and stare.

Usually, you and your partner would talk. Discuss life. Politics. Wives. Plans for weekends. The one time you fell down a flight of stairs and cut open your arm, hence the wicked forearm scar. Or when you snuck out as a teenager to see a porn flick in cinemas.

I didn’t have that luxury. I wanted to run solo. The incredible boredom during any wait is penance for that reward.

It had taken me over 2 days to come to this spot. An informant’s squeal had corroborated with an eyewitness report in the area, that an All American had been seen in the vicinity and no one reported him leaving.

This was my district, an area I knew as well as where I lived and grew up. There could only be 5 potential spots where he could hide.

Uniforms were already posted outside the other 4. I was at the one that I figured was the most likely.

It was picturesque. The perfect place for an All American to hide. White picket fences marched down the streets. Perfectly maintained and manicured red maples stood guard in front, on beautifully mowed lawns. The two story houses were all perfect contrasts of brick, metal, glass and tiled roofs.

Everything screamed Americana. It was the last place anyone would look.

But I knew better. When things looked too good, smelled too nice and acted too kind, there was a strange feeling of decay.

Decay because behind the wide smiles, the perfect blue eyes, the flowing summer dresses and the perfectly pressed polo shirts, everyone was grimacing and straining hard against their true nature.

In all my years on service, places like these gave me the creep, because there was a group mentality behind crimes. People could turn on each other in a heartbeat and hide  behind those psycho smiles. Everything looked and behaved like Hollywood.

Fake and perfect.

I despised places like these. Everyone was always acting like you were the alien that ruined their paradise. But even in this fake paradise, there was a blight.

And that was House 194 on this perfect street.

Outwardly, there was nothing wrong with it.

It looked like every other perfect house along this street. A beautifully wide house, with two storeys, square windows and a perfectly triangular roof. It was a mixture of black accents, white walls, brown roof and cedar door. The windows were slightly stained in that neo-gothic style, and the overall impression was handsome, solid and quaint.

But as everyone knew, there was a family murder within the walls, the wife, and 2 new born twins dead, slaughtered by an axe and a stiff drink.

It had been on the market ever since. It was still beautifully maintained. Cleaners went in every month, to air it out, dust it out and mow the lawn, as per the rules of this Americana suburb.

But they had been skipping corners ever so often. No one liked the idea of scrubbing walls that were once stained with blood.

So the windows were slightly opaque from the dust. The door squeaked on its hinges. The vines grew up the walls and tendrils reached into the roof.

Even the For Sale sign out front looked worn down from all its years of trying to sell.

I knew the All American had to be in here. It was clever. A guy like him, acted, behaved and moved cleverly, but he was also arrogant. What kind of sonvuabitch walked around with a rifle on his back in broad daylight?

I also had a feeling that he was looking through one of those windows, with his eye on the scope, staring out on the road.

But I didn’t have proof. I couldn’t just break down the door and storm in. I needed evidence. Some sign of life in there.

So I had to settle in for that half a lifetime wait.

The suburb was shaped like a window. It was a perfect square, with a plus in the middle.

House 194 was near the centre, on the west side of the intersection. I was waiting on the south end, in my not so subtle squad car, No. 86, a deer in headlights with its black and white paint job.

I had my binocs out, staring through them, waiting for a curtain to move, a door to open, a window to creak … any sign of movement.

But I couldn’t stare for hours. No one could. So sometimes I relaxed my neck, I would stretch it. I would give my eyes a rest, away from the tunnel vision and look around. I would fiddle with the duty belt, making minute adjustments on the magazines, the taser, the baton, the pistol and my sunglasses.

I would undo the top button of my dark uniform, letting my skin breathe a little in the heat, and complain to myself about the weight and restriction of my body armour.

All that bitching on 4 hours of stake out duty … nearly made me miss it.

A curtain moving on the top floor. And a barrel coming out and looking directly at my squad car.

I saw it wink.

Then glass shattered …

and held. The squad car saving my life with its anti-ballistic properties.

I immediately reached for my radio as I ducked down, the car shuddering as it took more hits.

Shots fired. Shots fired. Officer 86 in contact. 10-72. I require immediate assistance at my location, corner of Robinhood and Stevenson. 10-78 at Robinhood and Stevenson.

A calm female operator immediately responded.

Copy that Officer 86, 4 10-76 on route. I repeat 4 squads on route to your location now. Hold where you are.

10-4. I breathed heavily, as I reached behind my seat and grabbed the Remington 870 shotgun off the rack. Loading 8 rounds into the shogun’s magazine, I stayed low, stuffing shells in my pocket and the shotgun, waiting for a lull in the shots.

Hearing nothing and feeling nothing in the car, for a good thirty seconds, I kicked open the door and sprinted around to the back of the car.

Rounds hummed past me and I felt my adrenaline kick in. Fear also. Then cold professionalism. I have been under fire before. I knew I had to stay calm and make my shots count.

Crouching behind the car, I peered through the cracked windshield at House 194, and noted that there were trees for cover all the way to the front of the house, and that it was a solid 10 metre run to the front door.

Too far to make it without backup.

But moving forwards to the trees was enough.

Slamming the pump forward, I stayed crouched and leaned to the right of the car and in rapid succession, pumped off 4 shots that blew off the window of the house.

Each round slammed heavily into my shoulder, but the immediate satisfaction of the window shattering, and glass cascading down in clear rainbows of light onto the lawn, caused me to ignore the recoil.

I immediately stood up and dashed to the nearest tree, 5 metres away, my breathing heavy and laboured, as air struggled to get into my lungs, the weight of all my equipment slowing me down as my boots pounded the road.

Then to my shock, I saw a flash from one of the lower windows, of which there were 4, 2 on the right and ditto for the left, and I just managed to dive for the tree, avoiding the round and crawl furiously the last half metre to prop myself against the sturdy tree.

Immediately, bark and splinters started to fly, cutting my exposed forearms, as I held the shotgun up towards my face, trying to minimise my profile. Round after round slammed into the tree, chunks flying away, before I decided to end the stalemate by crouching lower and ducking around the narrow tree and pump the last 4 rounds into the far left window.

The incoming fire slackened, and picking myself up again, I pushed forward to another tree, this one thicker and more stout than the previous one.

Taking a breather, swallowing deep gulps of air, I reached into my pocket and felt my hand shake.

Withdrawing it, I made a fist, ending the shakes and began to thumb another 8 rounds into the magazine, the cold steel of the shotgun, beginning to warm under my hands and the rapid fire.

Looking back at my squad car, I heard all types of voices assault my ear, as radio calls came in thick and heavy. I just kept repeating myself, my voice sounding monotone and robotic, as my mind and body tried to keep the fight or flight response under control.

10-72, Officer 86. 10-72. Requesting 10-78 on my position. 10-72. 10-72. Approach from the east and south. Suspect is barricaded in House 194 of Stevenson Avenue, north side. 

I also remembered where I was, and that while I hated this area, civilians were everywhere. Fortunately, there was no sign of life anywhere. This was a late Sunday afternoon. Most people were either retiring early, or drowsy and unwilling to be out on a stroll.

I could also hear sirens approaching. No doubt the other squad cars that I sent to the other locations rushing to my position.

Risking another peek around the tree, I didn’t see any movement in the house, but I could assess the damage. I had blown out 2 windows, and curtain were now moving stiffly in the wind out the front. I briefly entertained the thought whether the murdered family would haunt me for the damage I did to their house.

Then the flashes started again, this time from the top floor.

Snapping my head back, the rounds slammed into the grass beneath me and turn the area black with heat.

Racking my shotgun again, I feinted to the left side of the tree, only to snap around the right and this time I let all the windows of the top floor have it.

The booms of the shotgun reverberated through the neighbourhood and my eardrums, nearly rendering me deaf.

The incoming fire slackened as I pummeled the top right and I took the lull to rush forward to the closest tree to the house. By now, I had fired 16 rounds, and I was down to my last 8.

But back-up was here.

While I was driven by anger, revenge and badly wanted to be the one to blow this sonvuabitch’s head off, I was all too aware of how much trouble I was in.

A bullet was still a bullet. I was only flesh and blood. Being reckless would only put more of my brothers and sisters lives in danger.

So I was glad they were here.

The 4 squad cars saw my position and pulled perfect braking manoeuvres, nose to nose. The driver would brake hard, while the passenger’s door was already open, ready to dive out and scramble around for cover clutching their heavy gun, an M4A1 assault rifle or a 870 shotgun like mine.

Immediately as they pulled up outside the house, the cars began to get pinged by fire, bullets smashing into doors, sirens, windows and tyres.

Even though he was using a bolt action rifle, the bastard could really shoot. He was pulling back the bolt and slamming his finger on the trigger within a second of each shot. It wasn’t easy.

But his fire superiority only lasted for 30 seconds, because then all 8 cops instantly returned fire.

Glocks barked. The M4s chattered. And the 870s roared.

The entire house front was lit up with holes and any damage I did, looked puny and insignificant in comparison to this Fourth of July gun show.

The officers kept up the fire, and I yelled at 2 of them to follow me to the front of the door.

Nodding and keeping their heads down, Officers Taylor and Zavala rushed to my tree, whilst firing their pistols at the house.

OK boys. I got the door. I sweep forward, Taylor you got right, Zavala, you got left. OK?

You got it.

OK.

OK. Let’s do it. 

The three of us charged forwards, as the cops behind us continued their barrage. Aiming my shotgun at the big door, I blew the hinges and lock off the door with 3 rounds and put my foot through the door, causing it to crash heavily on the inside of the floor.

The three of us charged in, guns sweeping left and right and centre. No sign yet.

Outside, the other cops stopped firing and began moving up to us, as the three of us held the door, like an Charlie’s Angel pose. 4 of them pushed left and right of the house to the backyard of the house, eager to cut off any escape. One stayed with the squad cars, ready to brief the inevitable arrival of the SWAT teams while the last one joined us inside.

As soon as we got confirming hands on our shoulders, we pushed onward. I chose the upstairs, the last place he might have been.

The house was large. It was split into your typical left wing meant dining table, that lead onto the kitchen, the right wing equating to a large living area that turned into laundry, bathroom and study room at the rear.  A central staircase bisected both wings, with the upper floor mirroring the bottom, with bedrooms and bathrooms.

As I slowly, cautiously, and almost painfully climbed the stairs, I tried my best to control my breathing. It sounded obnoxiously loud. All I could picture the All American, waiting for me, his 1911 extended, firing constantly, as he ended my life, all because I breathed too loud.

Weirdly too, I saw him sat in a chair, like some lame villain in a movie.

But that fear dissipated as I remembered my niece in hospital. Fighting. Crying. Struggling.

Anger pushed blood through my body and I could sense my breathing even out.

The tiny bead sight of the Remington struggled to pierce through the gloom of the house, furthering my caution.

I waited at the corner of the staircase landing, scanning like a paranoid man, both left and right, unsure which way to proceed.

I spun a coin in my head and chose left.

Waiting at the apex of the corner, I watched my footing, as I slowly swiveled around the corner, the shotgun leading forward and my eyes wide open, my ears straining to hear any noise.

The empty hallway ahead of me sneered at my caution.

2 large bedrooms, one left, one right and a bathroom directly in front of me. I pirouetted suddenly and checked my rear.

Another sneer from the house. But the layout was the same.

Below I could hear my fellow officers kicking open doors and yelling “POLICE!” and then seconds later yelling “ROOM CLEAR!”

But right now, it was just me.

Stacked up on the left door, I kicked it open, and swept my shotgun left and right.

Nothing. Just stained, ugly carpet. No furniture. Nothing of interest. Nowhere for the man to hide.

Moving out, I checked the hallway again.

Empty.

I move to the room on the right and again, swept left and right. There was nothing in the room either. No furniture. No sign of blood stained walls. Just empty carpet and empty wardrobes.

I start to get more nervous. Which room is this bastard in?

As I prepare to enter the final room at the end of the left hallway, as my leg is raised to kick the door …

A hole appears in the door, near my head.

Then two bullets slam into my back, causing me to crash into the door, and tumble through, onto the hard marble floor.

My shoulders took the brunt of the impact as I let go of the Remington and scrabbled desperately for cover, finding it in the shower stall and unleashing my Glock, I fired blindly through the door.

I struggled to breathe. Huge pain flared across my back as the pressure and heat of the bullets that had slammed into my body armour registered in my mind, cutting through the protective mental layer of adrenaline.

I heard the men below, began yelling my name and throw threats at the man who had fired at me.

Then I heard screaming, as the men ducked for cover and scramble away, as the gunfire increased in intensity at them.

Gritting my teeth, I rounded the corner and aimed the Glock and saw the All American, firing his 1911 down, a manic expression on his face.

I lined up the back sight.

The front sight looked squarely at his chest.

He sensed me.

He spun around.

His silver 1911 catching the light as it aimed at me.

My finger slammed the trigger to the rear, and I didn’t stop.

The first shot tore through his sternum. The second went high and into his throat. The third opened up his cheek. The fourth blew off an ear. The fifth missed.

His body slumped and went lifeless and I walked up and fired three more times.

Kicking the 1911 away, I didn’t bother checking for a pulse. No one could survive that many shots. Nothing could escape that level of punishment.

Blood had been spilled again in this house. Fresh crimson and pink-grey matter speckled the walls.

Clear! I heard myself yell automatically.

Suspect down.

Feeling empty, I walked back and picked up my Remington. A justified shooting on the job, is still considered a homicide. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt great after a murder. Even when a sonvuabitch like him deserves it. Blood doesn’t ever seems to come off your hands.

I saw Zavala and Taylor and the third guy, Ramirez, look at me, their faces echoing a grim nihilism that all policemen and women feel after a shooting like this.

We radioed it in.

Followed standard SOP.

Fetched the dead man’s .22 long rifle, and found that it matched the crime of attempted murder of a police officer.

Secured the 1911 that had nearly ended my life.

Slapped my body vest and plucked out the bullets that were embedded in the Kevlar.

Placed a bag over the disfigured face that had nearly taken more lives.

Counted the number of shots we had taken in an effort to stop this man. It bordered on the obscene.

Called the real estate owner, who was currently safeguarding this property.

He was less than thrilled. Promised to send us the bill. We politely deferred.

Filed back to our squad cars, as the forensic team, SWAT team, and a dozen more uniforms turned up to see what had happened and answer their questions.

It was only when I looked at my squad car, I realised just how lucky I was.

The shots that peppered and cracked my windshield showed over 20 rounds had been fired at me. One had even managed to go through, and hit the chair. A dozen more could be counted in the front bonnet.

Ramirez and Taylor came over and stared at my car.

Jesus Sarge.

I nodded. That about summed it up.

Mind if I get a ride back to the precinct?

The two men nod and we made our way back, the three of us silent as we processed what just happened.

When you are in combat, you don’t think about things. You react. You hope your training kicks in to take over, so that you don’t have to think too hard. But the moment the shooting stops, suddenly guilt enters your mind, as does the constant questions about mortality.

I was so close today. Had the man been aiming a bit better, my brains would be all over the bathroom floor of House 194.

As I stared out at the city of Austin, I noted the twilight atmosphere slowly crawl across the sky, and ask for a quick course change.

Taylor nodded and spins the wheel in the direction I need and even lights up the sirens for me.

As I walk through the corridors, I do my best to ignore the stares.

Knocking gently, I enter the quiet room and look inside.

The nurse looks at me and back at my niece.

She’s stable at the moment. Just sleeping through it now.

I nod silently, pull up a chair and sit next to her.

Thank you nurse.

She nods and walks out, leaving the two of us alone.

I gently squeeze my niece’s hand and whisper

I got him for you darling. I got him.

Before I feel tears start to well, and run down my cheeks. Then … my head is in my hands as I let everything go, all the fear, stress, and relief.

~

Author’s Note:

Probably the longest and admittedly one of the messier stories I’ve written so far. As an Australian … I should have researched more Americanism that I could have put in the story.

House 194 obviously doesn’t exist, nor does my description of the area. But the actual street names are real and it is a window style road layout. It looks very nice via Google maps and  no disrespect is meant for that neighbourhood.

I’ve always admired cops and their jobs and this was originally written, because of my intense boredom at work, and me wondering whether cops got equally bored on stake-out duty.

I, of course, ended up getting way too invested in the context and background of that stakeout feeling and hence this story was born and written. 

The film, End of Watch (2012) served as a inspiration for a lot of the equipment described in this story.

~Damocles.

 

 

Quiet Kitchen (Fiction)

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The man started by wiping down the table.

Using long, sweeping motions, the micro fibre towel, created a glossy sheen on the dark kitchen bench.

With a sharp flick of the wrist, the towel was dampened under the running water, and hung on a small hook, neat, loose and ready for use again.

Satisfied, the man began opening drawers and cupboards.

Bowls, boards, and knives were neatly arranged on the table, as per his usual layout, Knives on the right, straight up, boards in front of him, with the smallest bowl on the left and getting larger to the right in a neat semi circle around the board.

Pirouetting around, he began firing up the gas stove, its dark glossy ceramic finish sparkling under the blue flame.

Placing his phone a bit further away from his cooking station, the man made a minute adjustment, via the device, to the lighting of the kitchen, casting everything in a warm, functional amber light.

Taking a pair of pink-red salmon fillets out of the large sliding door fridge, he let them rest in a metal bowl, and set up a pair of pans on the stove.

Letting them warm up sufficiently, he lightly glossed one with a smattering of olive oil, while the other he poured half a cup of olive oil.

Reaching down, he took out a large pot and poured instant boiling water into it, while reaching into a glass jar and with circular motions, began to salt the water.

Placing it on the stove, he grabbed a bundle of dry linguine, and placed it gently in the water, stirring it gently with a spoon, every so often.

Taking a half head of garlic, he sliced them thinly, the knife moving in quick, precise cuts, always nearly grazing his knuckles.

Running the knife under the water, he slid open the fridge, and took out flat-leaf parsley, and ran them both under the stream.

The sizzle of both pans caused him to spin around and deftly place the salmon and the sliced garlic in both, the salmon receiving an instant sear as the pink skin kissed the simmering oil and heat.

The garlic, hissed slightly as the pool of oil made contact and began to brown the edges.

Taking out three dark, light and wood mills, respectively pepper, salt and red pepper flakes, the man added flavouring touches to the salmon with the salt and pepper, the garlic with the dark red peppers.

Cutting through the parsley, with the same precision and speed he performed on the garlic, he lifted the board and slid the chopped pieces into a bowl, the green colour shining through the clear glass.

Taking a large wooden handle carving fork, he flipped the salmon onto its skin and added a couple more touches of pepper and salt. Pleased with its consistency, he took out a couple of large ceramic grey plates and placed the salmon atop with the skin facing upwards, crisp and orange-pink.

Turning his attention to his pasta, he deftly tossed the linguine into a sieve, the slight hardness indicating their ever-so-slightly under-cooked nature and gave a couple of tosses of the pan to mix the garlic, oil and red pepper better.

The linguine splashed into the oil, along with a quarter cup of the pasta oil, and began to sizzle immediately, filling the kitchen with an intoxicating smell of garlic, extra virgin olive oil and a hint of spice.

Mixing vigorously, the man held the bowl of chopped parsley high, and waited for a second, before throwing the contents atop and watching the parsley shrivel slightly from the heat.

Walking back to the fridge, he extracted a single lemon, deftly sliced it in half, flicked out the seeds and drizzled the an entire half atop the pasta.

Pleased with the colour, he held up a single strand and taste tested it, before adding a tiny crack of salt and then using the carving fork, he twirled the pasta around it and made a neat circular pile atop the ceramic plate, next to the crispy salmon.

Leaving a plate behind for himself,  he speared both with elegant bone handle forks, and carried the second plate, the smell and vapor lingering in its wake, to his apartment door.

Opening it, he entered a lift and travelled to a floor halfway to the bottom, but not quite.

Looking for the right combination of letters and numbers, he knocked once firmly, before leaving it on a small tray next to the apartment door and swiftly moved back to the lift and into the sanctuary of his penthouse.

Where he ate alone, staring out at the city-scape, lit up by 20 million people, imagining what it would be like to cook for the woman in the apartment below him, with her watching …

~

The woman opened the door and smiled when she saw the bowl of pasta and salmon. The ritual had been going for months now. Every Friday, a stranger would knock precisely between the times of 7.30pm to 7.45pm and deliver a delicious meal.

Sometimes it was a meticulous nigiri platter, the colours deeply romantic, with hues of dark crimson tuna, bright orange salmon, pearl like scallops and rich brown-black eel.

Other nights, it was a delicious fatty smashed burger, impossibly tender beef patties with cheese oozing out the side, and french fries cooked to a golden, yellow, salty crispness that belittled other fast food competitors.

The menu always changed and she was always shocked at the quality of ingredients and skill in preparation and cooking.

She would try to look through the keyhole, but he always avoided it and would vary the timing of the delivery so that she could never catch him, despite her running swiftly to the door to catch him when she heard the knock.

She even knew the type of knock he would give now. It was the kind that was firm, and precise, unlock the knocks she heard from her neighbours who complained about her playing music at 4am, or the online delivery man who leered at her whenever he arrived with her package.

Out of gratefulness, she bought a small coffee tray and had it match the type of cutlery and plating he always used. It was too expensive, but the meals she was getting, every Friday, despite her meager salary was something she didn’t want to miss.

She also had to find a way to return the plates and beautiful forks. And without fail, by Saturday morning, they had disappeared from the dark tray outside.

She had no idea why this was happening to her. She had wondered whether this was something that happened to people regularly in this apartment building, as she had only moved in recently, but no one had ever received such delicious food gifts.

She asked everyone she could meet about the limited details she knew about the man, but no one had any reports of anything strange happening.

She only even knew it was a man, because a neighbour told her while that he was locking the door, he had seen a man in a white dress shirt, and suit pants that definitely didn’t live on their level, enter the lift, smelling of the delicious food in front of her door.

What else did she know about him? Precious little.

She only knew that she was desperate to meet him, to thank him, to talk to him, to find out more about him. She had so many questions.

But at least one of them was answered …

What meal would she get on Friday?

Pasta aglio e olio with a pan fried salmon fillet, lightly salted.

~

Author’s Note:

I wrote this whilst simultaneously bored out of my mind at Miniso, and insanely hungry after working 6 hours straight from 9am. 

Needless to say, looking up how to make this dish didn’t help the mental hunger either. 

And … my lunch was decidedly less delicious and decadent sounding than what I wrote here … a boring chicken wrap with chips. 

First time I’ve ever wrote a cooking segment though. Was fun adapting the recipe to make it sound a bit more sensual and interesting than:

“Heavily salt a large pot of water, and bring to a boil. Cook pasta until slightly underdone while completing the steps below.”

Does everything need to sound so dry? 

This was also a tiny bit inspired by a visit to a luxurious kitchenware store in Chadstone.

~Damocles

B30 Challenge Week 17 Rundown

Desktop Screenshot 2020.03.10 - 02.38.10.71

Alone, with your thoughts, in a place where you’d think you’d have company …

(American Gods Season 1, Episode 1)

Fickle …

is the enemy of my progress.

I was thinking about that word and how apt it was, to describe how the modern mind works nowadays. You flit from one idea to the other, like an indecisive butterfly, never really committing to taking all the nectar from one idea, one philosophy, one … anything.

Right now, I’m supposed to be asleep. It’s 0241 in the AM. I got work at 0900 but once I’m bitten by the writing bug, it won’t let me sleep.

So it’s Red Bull in the morning, and maybe 4-5 hours of sleep.

Writing is the one thing that is never fickle. It’s an obsession, a force of habit that stems from me desperately needing to get something off my chest and clear my mind-space for more efficiency.

Writing is the exhaust of my engine. It lets out all the bad thoughts, all the nasty gas, and cleanse the mind of clutter and build-up emotions.

It hasn’t failed me yet.

But where was I? Oh yeah … fickle.

It’s a good word to approach how I have behaved towards this challenge, post – TET. I can tell my heart isn’t quite in it as much anymore. But that’s OK. Habits … whether your heart is there or not, is you programming yourself to do it.

I take showers in the morning. I brush my teeth. I change a certain way. I do lots of things that construe habits.

What is an hour of exercise at 1900? Another habit I just have to stick to. But getting there, where it’s automatic is another story altogether.

Fickle.

It makes you sound weak.

Fickle.

It makes you sound indecisive.

Fickle … it makes me worried. Can I commit?

If I can’t commit to this simple challenge, what else will I drop at the slightest provocation?

Girlfriends? Education? Health?

I’m afraid of what I have been doing to myself.

In this day and age, it’s so easy to blame other things. To paint yourself a victim.

But I’m not built that way. I believe you have a choice. An active decision making process that makes you the sole person to blame. You can’t go around blaming other people and other things, when in reality, it was your series of choices and decisions that lead you up to this point.

But what are you afraid of Damocles? I hear you ask.

I’m afraid of technology. I’m afraid of being stuck in a shitty job. I’m afraid that my Tofu Events business will never take off.

Because I am fickle.

Technology … has that insidious feeling of rotting you away. I can feel it a bit like a cancer inside of me. Endless crap on Facebook makes you a lesser person. I see endless shit on that site. Constant news articles decrying humanity and society. Mundane and inane shit that people love to tag each other in. Stupid memes that serve to cheapen topics of importance.

They say it brings people closer to together, that more of the world is accessible. I say to that, yes, but you were so preoccupied about with whether you could or couldn’t  and never stopped to think about whether you should.

One reason I stay isolated more than the average person is to keep my creativity as fierce as possible. Being the odd one out may have its temporary disadvantages, but more importantly, it has its permanent advantages – Criss Jami, Killosophy.

I keep seeing it everywhere … the more connected you are, the more time you spend on the web, it leads to the numbing of the brain. You only need to look at the inane stupidity of voters, toilet rolls and a virus that isn’t even that virulent.

When you are in an echo chamber, and your voice suck, but you keep hearing it every time you log in, eventually you fool yourself into thinking its beautiful.

And that is what Facebook and similar things is like. An auditorium with all the stuff you like, constant playback of the things you hold dear, a product of an unfeeling algorithm.

How can one grow, when surrounded by only the things you want to see, hear, feel and experience?

The art of conversation, intelligence and discussion is lost on that site. People used to go to cafes and discuss topics of great importance and the future.

Now, they laugh at the present times and don’t think twice beyond their next meal that they will Instagram.

I sound like one of those cranky old people.

I probably am. But that’s what happens when you think about the future too much. You become too serious. Too afraid. Too conscious of your decisions. It makes you want to act. But you are frozen with indecision. Because anything you’ll do, will affect the future. And the future is full of consequences.

Beyond being an hyper individualist, I suppose I like to think of myself as a futurist. People would get depressed if they consider the future for a second.

My depression fuels the nihilism within, but the desire to make something of myself snuffs that nihilistic fire out all the time.

Social media … has proven to me, time and time again, that it’s a corruption of “social” skills. You can’t have social skills if you just meme, like, tag and comment on things all the time. You’re just emulating what social skills are. If you have a conversation in reality, you can’t just like what someone says. You have to put thought into it.

And putting thought into something is hard for fickle people. Even harder when your attention span has been shortened thanks to a shorthand in social skills.

Don’t be an addict to your phones. Since when was this tiny rectangle become such a time-consuming, attention seeking automatic habit for me?

I feel like those people who chain smoke cigarettes and keep reaching for one.

But instead of dragging nicotine through my lungs, I’m trying to feed my mind with a notification.

Hideous.

To be an addict, is to be life’s ultimate parasite.

Your only nutrient is what you crave.

Addiction should always be loathed.

A shitty job fear is obvious and entirely linked to my work ethic regarding Tofu Events. I keep playing games instead of working hard. I keep putting it off.

Why?

Because I’m tired already. I’m just one guy. The work-load has only intensified since I’ve actually come up with a plan for it. If I had no shitty job, it would be alright. I could dedicate every waking moment to it (but would I actually? In a Utopia; yes, realistically fuck no).

But I got one. It’s called being a Trainee Store Leader at Miniso Australia. And now, I’m burdened with the responsibility of looking after it.

And knowing me, I won’t be satisfied if I do the job half-arsed.

But it’s shitty, I hear you say, why the fuck do you care Damocles? They pay you like crap and you can just do bare minimum. 

Because everything I do, whether it’s given to me, forced on me, or whatever else on me, I want to do to the best of my abilities. I hate regrets more than I fear failure. I don’t care if something fails. As long as I know I tried my hardest to make it work.

In 5 months, they can close down the store I run, but at least I can say, it’s not my damn fault that they did. All the elements in my control, I controlled to the maximum of my ability and with an annoying OCD mindset and in the end, it was just the world saying Fuck You to me.

But I spat back at it, with everything I had.

I didn’t take it kneeling, and I sure as shit didn’t let the opportunity slip past me, without me trying to make my mark on it.

I hate inaction as much as I despise regret the emotion.

Because they’re linked and tied at the hip. They’re like Siamese twins together. You do nothing about something … and boom, there comes regret.

So even though the job is crap, I got my hands tied in how to improve it, give it my all I shall.

But just at 90%. I got to learn how to leave work at work. I can’t bring it home and let it get me all down.

Therefore interfering with my work for Tofu Events.

God, there is just so much to do for Tofu. It’s a massive weight on my shoulders. I need to email so much. I need to fix my website a lot more. I got so much more advertising to do.

There are so many times, when I should be exercising, but I put it off to do Tofu work, only to get fickle-minded about it, and sad and angry and bothered by the sheer work-load, that I end up trying to de-stress and end up playing games.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Thankfully, I have not put on any more weight though.

I seem stuck at 75kg. So damn close to my target of 69kg.

It may sound stupid now, but I just realised that the only way to properly de-stress myself is to get to work.

I just HAVE to commit myself to my course of action and get shit done for Tofu. Otherwise I will never be able to move forward.

How ironic. Such a simple solution. But it never really clicked for me.

It’s so true what they say about obvious answers.

But like anything obvious and true, it’s never easy and non-sacrificial.

The truth always takes something out of you.

In my case, it just removed a tiny bit of fickleness.

In which I am very grateful indeed.

The point about me listing those fears above, is that at any given time, I had a choice to do something about them. I could switch off my phone. I could delete Facebook. I could change my feed … so that it’s less stupid. So that the things I see on there are more interesting, more varied, less cancerous.

These are the type of decisions everyone has the power to make. It’s why every so often, I head to my friends list and delete the ones I don’t talk to anymore.

I could have chosen to quit Miniso and make my life aimless and broke again, while I scrabble desperately around to make Tofu Events work. But instead I chose to do 2 jobs at the same time. To sacrifice a bit of mental health, well-being and freedom after 6pm to do even more work.

All these choices were mine.

And mine alone. I can complain in hindsight, I can break down over the work, but at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but myself.

Life is simpler, when you realise that you alone control your destiny. That there isn’t some omnipotent being out there controlling your destiny.

It’s just you.

Y/N?

Yes or No. You either said yes or you said no.

And I chose yes to all those things above, to all the things I fear, all the things I have to sacrifice, because at the end, if I am not pushing myself all the time, how can I possibly be better at anything? I can’t just be playing games all day.

There’s no money or satisfaction in that.

But there is, in one day quitting Miniso, knowing that Tofu is on its way, on its feet and is actually a successful start-up.

Just as there is similar satisfaction in cleansing my mind of the crap you see so often on social media. A detox away from it all. To stop having small anxieties about who messaged me, whether I got a like, or reaching for my phone every 5 minutes to assure that anxiety.

The way forward is clearer now.

I’m going to get my life sorted again. Back to running between two roundabouts, back to skipping so much I almost sprain my legs.

Back to being creative at writing, exorcising my demons, and mental clutter.

Back to the future?

Oh God. That was horrible. Sorry.

But it’s true. If I want to make my future better, I better get to work on it now.

Just wished it wasn’t so hard and difficult.

~Damocles.

P.S. It’s currently 0326 … I suspect my shift at Miniso tomorrow will not be pleasant.

 

 

 

B30 Challenge Week 15 Rundown

Miami Vice – Brother’s Keeper (Part II).

I miss the actual act of placing a vinyl on a record player or inserting a CD into a player.

That textile action of choosing your album and letting it play out, without the ADD sensation of rapidly clicking onto another song, is something I miss.

It’s an actual decision. You are stuck with that album, the good songs, the tunes you want to skip and the music in-between.

Once you are done enjoying the entire album, you take it out carefully, and put it aside and select another one.

I’m not sure why I’m delving into nostalgia, but I can probably pinpoint the reason why. Yet for some weird reason I’m hesitant to reveal.

I may be a lot of things, but a liar on this blog, isn’t one of them.

The reason why is because the theme of slack for this rundown. I miss the determined Damocles before TET.

Hence the moment TET ended, and the Gold Coast holiday started, I could sense my motivation slip for this challenge.

Things went too smooth. I ate too much, I didn’t exercise, and I really let my guard down.

And now trying to get back into the groove is proving difficult.

Especially with the fact that I snacked a bit too much in these past 2 weeks, and started drinking Coke more.

Curse the damn leftovers from TET.

Temptation is staring at me and I keep looking back and caving in.

However today, I figured that the more honest I am about my problems and if I refuse the gaze of snacking and soft drinks, I will get back into the groove.

It’s time to reclaim that healthier diet. More water, less sweets, less carbohydrates and watching the amount I eat.

I realised, that discipline isn’t something to be feared. It’s something to aspire to, to mould into something unique for yourself.

The person that is able to maintain high levels of discipline and integrate unique routines and activities that better themselves will always triumphs over the rigours of life.

I also have to acknowledge the fact that, I am also an addict.

I am hooked on the thrill of chaos.

When everything goes wrong, that is when I feel most engaged with life.

Of course, I don’t mean that in an all encompassing sense. It’s more, when things that I can see a solution to, problems that I can control go wrong simultaneously.

I love trying to come up with answers to issues that might overwhelm another.

Now, that I’ve discovered the ability to work on things simultaneously in my mind, I want to keep exercising that muscle.

I believe in my own efficiency. My own skills to address problems. I feel safe in knowing that my experience and knowledge can truly come up with creative and smart innovations for a lot of problems.

A key example of this is during the TET festival, when I split my mind into three, to solve three unique problems that the decoration, second stage and activities were all facing, at once.

However, all this self-faith, always come across a huge stop marker when things I can’t control occur. Weather, insanely stubborn people, authority figures and huge bureaucratic systems are just some of the things that come to mind.

I’m a hyper individualist.

A strange term that I have never heard before, until my friend, Samuel told me, that this philosophy, moral stance and ideology perfectly described me.

And upon reading further, it does fit me.

I value independence and self-reliance and oppose external interference on my own self-interests like the government. I think anarchy is the preferred state that society should operate in and the description of my “mind palace” resembles that of an bohemian bachelor.

All these things point to Individualism as my preferred ideology for life.

So how does that relate back to the Before 30 Challenge?

Well, my individualist nature is what made the B30 challenge even a possibility. I didn’t invite anyone else to partake in this challenge. Nor did I bother trying to join a gym.

I just went out and did it.

My motivation to excel in this self appointed crusade of mine, to lose weight, only increased as the chaos and stress of TET began, (a clear indication of anarchy as my preferred state) and then subsided as I was slowly assimilated back into normal functioning society.

I announced my addiction because, to be honest, if you don’t say things aloud and see it appear, even in the digital world, it’s not real.

I live in that panicked state, whereas everyone else is losing their mind. So in other to gain traction again, I need to create another panicked state.

In other words, it’s time for me to involve Tofu Events and create an arena of anarchy where my energy and will can best be spent tackling all the problems my business has.

So here is the list of things I am going to do, to make it real.

  1. 1 hour of daily exercise
  2. 1 hour of daily Tofu work
  3. 1 hour of daily reading
  4. 1 type of writing a week
  5. 1 rundown a week
  6. 1/2 hour of GT Sport Simulator
  7. Budget my fortnightly income better

It’s time to make Tofu Events a proper business.

It’s time to get better at driving.

It’s time to get closer to my weight goal

It’s time to read more and learn.

It’s time to write and keep practising this skill.

It’s time to start ticking things off the wish-list.

I’ve never really struggled with identity issues, due to individualism.

I am the sum of all that has happened to me, and all that I’ve learnt.

I don’t belong to a, b, c, e, f, g, h or any of the letters or numbers that make up = d.

I am Damocles.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Here to see this B30 challenge to the end and then find another one straight after that.

~Damocles

B30 Challenge Week 13 Rundown

UlcsDTs

It’s been a while ….

I’ve skipped 3 weeks of exercise and writing due to the imminent arrival of the TET festival. But I never stopped reading. So I can say with a bit of pride, I managed to finish that Napoleon book.

Napoleon the Great by Andrew Roberts. It was a wild ride and had a very sad ending. Napoleon died in exile on St Helena, an island some considered the most remote place in the world at the time.

I can’t quite imagine what that felt like … a man of his incredible talent, power and energy, left to rot in ignominy until his death.

It also reminded me of my potential plan, to go into self-imposed exile, and made me wonder whether such a move was truly healthy for me. Would I go insane? Could I live without command?

It’s a difficult question. Even today, I felt bereft of many things, going back into the ordinary life of a retail worker, after the high of commanding a huge event. Things don’t feel the same, taste as interesting or fuel the creative energy as much.

Mundane things like restocking a store just seems … wasteful and lethargic.

But now that it’s over, I can finally take a breather and relax a bit.

Just a full warning … this is going to be a very long read. There is a lot to break down and assess.

From an overall perspective, the festival was a failure. Not enough people attended. All the stake-holders did not make money. We all lost.

From a personal viewpoint, I, too, consider it a failure. The energy was not there. The vibes were off and too many points of the festival looked empty. I expended a huge amount of energy, time and willpower and it was all for naught.

Objectively though, taken in context, the festival was a strange pyrrhic victory. Every other type of festival that occurred on the same weekend, and of its type, failed on an even larger scale. Chinatown, on the Sunday, flopped disastrously despite the fine weather. A beer festival had just 10 people, despite occurring in the heart of the city.

We managed to get at least a couple of thousand through the door and everyone somewhat recovered at least a little bit.

We all knew it was doomed to fail. But at least we didn’t fail as hard as the others. A testament to the quality of our event and brand awareness. That we even got that many people through the door, is an intriguing statement, when so many others failed.

But enough about the outcome of the festival. I can discuss that in another blog.

How did you feel about the whole experience?

Wasted. On a positive note, my weight loss dropped to 75kg at one point. But currently I am now at a more realistic 77kg. Still … not bad, considering I was 79 for the past 3 weeks.

The Before 30 Challenge is still on. I broke my skipping rope, in Week 10 and finally got a new one, that I can use  and promises to be more durable than any other rope I’ve used thus far.

So beginning soon, I will get back into the routine again. An interesting fact I learned about myself during the festival, was that I didn’t need as much food as I thought. If I could just harness my entire body and mind, I could be a lot more efficient with the food I did eat and operate well on a lower calorie intake.

Being busy, helps me stay in good condition and lose weight.

I need to feel like I am operating at 100% a lot throughout the year, not just once for TET.

Another crucial element I discovered was that I worked out the ability to truly multi-task on a level I have never really found myself doing before.

The best analogy to describe this feeling would be your typical guitar strings.

5 lines, running parallel, separate and all sounding different to one another. But to make a cohesive song, you have to use all of them.

My mind felt like the hands that manipulate that guitar. One string was marketing, another was the TET Theatre, stall holders represented another and the analogy goes on.

At one point, I was actively using all the strings, and running through them all.

They say that you should never half-ass multiple things, always whole-ass one thing.

I think, as a leader, you can’t afford to do that unfortunately. You have to whole-ass multiple things.

And while mistakes and issues were made, overall, the result wasn’t terrible. Yes, I could have helped the TET Theatre with its preparation more. I could have tweaked the budget better and have more control over the volunteer food equipment.

But at the end of the day, I’m one person.

Shit.

I sound like I am making excuses for those errors. I may be one person, but the entire team relies on me.

I think next year, I just need to make more time. I shouldn’t have done a 10 day working week and then immediately jump into the festival.

To be honest, I haven’t even had a proper break yet. Not a single day to recover since January the 20th. I have worked every day including today, Tuesday, the 4th of February, without pause.

What a depressing thought.

And yet, slightly proud too.

Even now, my mind is still trying to tick the boxes off for the festival.

There are still so many things that never came to fruition, and never truly shone according to my vision.

I guess I still need to work on it.

I wonder whether I will ever truly be happy with anything, until it becomes exactly the way how I envision things. But is that even possible?

Perhaps it is, if I have a clearer vision.

And I know exactly how to achieve it.

Perhaps then, things might play a bit better.

Another recent thing that I have learnt about leadership, beyond clarity of vision, effectiveness of execution and the power of charisma, is whether I am actually any good at being a leader.

I’ve done a lot of leadership roles in the past, but I’ve never actually wondered why people trusted me, why people would even follow me or ask for advice from me.

I never really wondered why people would even respect me in my capacity as a leader.

Nor did I ever really enquire as to what made me think I could be one.

Napoleon, has always believed he was born to be one. I never once thought that.

I may have the ability, but I attribute that to my stubborn and persistent moral code and ethics, that have been born from countless stories of the SAS, historical fiction and the development of my own moral ideas and philosophy and rules that I deem important to me.

Rules like intervening, rather than watching or simply gritting your teeth and getting on with it, despite all the risks and consequences are probably what pushed me into leadership positions, despite my own hatred of authority figures.

Nothing good has ever come out of inaction. It’s always better to do something than deliberate and procrastinate over a hard choice.

It’s why I’m writing again. I could slack off, and forget the Before 30 Challenge, but no, it’s back to the grind again.

I only managed 30 minutes today, and so now, I got to climb back up to 60 minutes again, and try to undo some of the damage such a long break has done to my body and stamina.

It probably doesn’t help I just came back from a holiday in the Gold Coast, where I ate like a King, to compensate for the negative calories intake during the TET festival.

But I’m skipping again and I’m still at 77kgs. So I got to keep going.

I’ve also nearly finished another book, The History of the SAS by Chris Ryan and admittedly it still gets me.

By it, I mean the mythos of the Special Air Service. To this day, they still serve as one of the most important reasons why I aspire to be better. To be fitter, leaner, faster and stronger.

Even though an Army career is out of the question for me, I would love to one day meet a Blade and just have a genuine conversation about their career and what make them …  them.

Those men and women, are the real life super-humans, with their incredible will-power and abilities.

And I think daily, about how much I would love to join their hallowed ranks. It’s the same obsession that drives me about racing, how much I would sacrifice to be a Formula 1 driver.

Discipline, Diligence, Determination and Daring.

All of those are tenets that any successful person must have.

I have to improve on all of them.

Week 13 … It’s back on again. Back to the daily training and grind.

Who Dares Win.

~Damocles

B30 Challenge Week 9 Rundown

GWDT_TitleStill

Frustration.

There was a strange cushiness to the start of the decade that I despised. Week 9 wasn’t a struggle. It wasn’t even hard. It was boring.

It was an entire week dedicated to dieting. I only did 1 day completed of exercise.

The air prevented me from properly allowing myself to complete exercise.

And I even lazily took a day off on Saturday.

What the hell happened?

That’s easy to answer, Damocles.

You

Got

Soft.

Too many days off has caused this rot inside of you.

And its not even completely your fault. If it was entirely your fault, then perhaps you would feel better, but it isn’t. Its the ever fluctuating weather.

And the fact that yesterday you tried, but ended up injuring your left leg again.

The amount of pain I’ve felt in this damn leg, make me want to chop it off and replace it with a mechanical one, cos its been preventing me from fully exploiting my new-found energy and health.

I’ve been forced to walk, hobble and limp my running sessions and do push-ups and sit-ups and stretches.

And I can’t properly skip either.

Stupid leg.

I miss my exercise. I miss the sweat. The energy and the endorphins.

I miss being able to have 1 hour completely alone for myself.

But this close to the TET festival, I can’t catch a break. Its full-tilt until the finish line. I’m too busy helping others …. (read more here)

I’m annoyed with myself. Progress is slowing and almost halted.

That is not how I want things to go. This week, I got to find replacement exercises to do indoors, otherwise I’ll go insane with frustration and my lack of discipline.

Research Damocles. Start doing some. All good work starts with research, briefing yourself and preparing your steps for the future. Then all you have to do is put one foot forward.

Week 9. Cushy, Boring, Shit and Disappointing.

You have only yourself to blame and so pick yourself up again and get back at it, bushfire smoke or not.

Get inventive and creative and maybe focus on something else than just cardio.

You got a brain Damocles. Use it.

~Damocles.

 

 

 

Napoleonic Lessons

Bonaparte_ante_la_Esfinge,_por_Jean-Léon_Gérôme

Bonaparte Before the Sphinx – Jean-Leon Gerome

There is but a step from the sublime to the ridiculous – Napoleon Buonaparte

What have I really learnt from the book that I am currently reading?

Napoleon the Great – Andrew Roberts

It has taught me a lot about leadership. In fact, it might be said that Napoleon has become a mythical figure in my mind, thanks to this book.

Whereas before, he was always treated a bit like a villain. After all, I’ve rooted against him, for the British, in one of my favourite Napoleonic series, Matthew Hawkwood.

But what has stuck out to me, is his ability to properly encapsulate all the good elements of the French Revolution and combine them with his efficient and rational administration.

To read the Napoleonic Code is to see how much of an influence he has been on modern legality and law, how people are treated and what an incredible forward thinker he is.

These are all the tenets of leadership that I wish to emulate.

I wish to be rational, smart and efficient in all the decisions I make, without compromising my creativity or my ability to dissect, interpret and analyse a situation clearly and objectively.

What really stunned me though, was his ability to flit between a myriad of subjects and topics and issues without losing track of them all. To move troops in the heat of battle is already an extremely daunting task, to control and co-ordinate the logistics, the supplies, the communication and grand strategy of the Grande Armee; an even more challenging effort.

But he was reported to even give instructions on Parisian opera whilst as far away as Austria, to be judge and jury on local police cases and install local governments loyal to him, whilst fighting Austrian forces and on 3 or 4 hours of sleep. He could remember individual soldiers, their families, their unique traits and thank them personally for their efforts.

Such an incredible memory and ability to track thousands of items at once, is such an incredible gift, and an ability I am trying to hone myself.

However, my mind is a mere scatterbrain in comparison to his. His genius was only matched by his ego and favouritism.

I, myself have an extremely large ego, for one with so many flaws, (not particularly handsome, slightly overweight, and the aforementioned ego), but such confidence in myself is only matched by the charisma I wield.

I am quite sure though, I lack a lot of his heart. As a leader, I think I’ve shown a fair amount of ruthlessness and displeasure when treating a lot of my subordinates. Compliments are exceedingly rare, with an emphasis on negative feedback and dispassionate analysis of people’s performance.

I don’t particularly favour anyone. I use them to the hilt and almost abandon them if they start to show cases of inefficiency or cannot get “simple” tasks done in my head.

In that sense, I feel I am a better leader in that sense than Napoleon …. but this will mean I will never be great. His mere presence could inspire troops to work, fight and die for him. He trusted a lot of people around him, even though he shouldn’t have. This was his downfall. His nepotism, favouritism, blindness to obvious traitorous people in his court was the ruin of his empire.

I almost trust no-one to fully fulfil their tasks, and end up doing a lot of the work myself.

But then I work in a volunteer environment. Commitment, discipline and order are not common words associated with them. A lot of volunteers slack off, because they aren’t getting paid. They consider me as their friend, not their boss. They believe themselves exempt from my criticisms and pressure.

The most telling sign, is their lack of communication and failure to properly help me.

And that is partly my fault. If I inspired a sense of duty in them, they would work a lot harder. If I didn’t treat them so coldly and dispassionately, they would be more inclined to communicate with me more.

But that is something to work on for the future. Currently, all I can do is continue to shoulder the brunt of the work and heave this ridiculous behemoth of an event across the finish line.

Another similarity in leadership I’ve discovered, is what being a linchpin or a keystone is. I absolutely hate being the person who, if removed, injured or out of the picture, the entire endeavour collapses.

It’s not the pressure, the workload, the concept that irritates me. It’s the lack of creativity and ability in the people I lead that annoys the shit out of me. I dislike being so valuable, that if I was gone, all the work I’ve done, all the effort I’ve put in and the legacy that could have been, is instantly gone.

Napoleon suffered from a similar predicament. None of his generals and marshals could fight properly without his guidance. Legislature and governance could not function at its peak efficiency and fairness if he was entirely absent from the system.

I can’t help but think what would happen if I had someone who, in their brilliance and discipline, could surpass me.

Finally, I would think to myself …. an worthy heir of the empire that I have built.

Would I hate them?

Of course. They are better than me. But at the end, I would respect their genius and move aside. For I am now obsolete.

That is the ending of all leaders. To be surpassed. But whether you are overtaken by someone better is the dream.

Am I getting tired of all of this? How am I not buckling and collapsing under all the pressure? Am I starting to buy into my own bullshit about being a capable leader?

I don’t know.

That is the answer to all three of those questions.

Am I good at my job? Maybe. Just once, though, I would like someone to properly critique me and do a proper dispassionate analysis. It’s always me analysing me.

I want to be picked apart.

Because I want to rejoin the puzzle pieces of me together, the right way.

It’s like doing a Lego set, but by the time you finish, you realise there are 5 extra pieces that should belong on the set.

So you have to pull it apart, find spot where you messed up and put it together again.

But I’m the leader. No one is meant to pick apart the leader. Without the leader, the whole system collapses.

So just how the fuck am I suppose to get better?

There’s only so much analysis I can do on myself and my performance. I need fresh eyes, and they have to be cold, objective and rational.

Anything else just wouldn’t resonate with me. Because I’ve done the emotional thing …. and it doesn’t work on me.

I adore my team. I’m grateful for all they’ve done for me.

It just feels like I’ve done too much at the moment. Like they’ve taken more from me, than I from them.

Strange isn’t it.

As leader, you’re the foundation. You’re meant to hold everything up. You’re Atlas and the entire world is on your shoulders.

Can I keep this up? Probably. But its wise to look for a protege.

Or maybe I shouldn’t. Empires rise and fall. I should let mine, if I ever have one, fall with grace.

Why should I leave behind a legacy? Why should it be squandered by someone else?

Now I just sound like an egomaniac.

But aren’t all leaders just a little bit like that?

~ Damocles

B30 Challenge Week 8 Rundown

laborday-rocky

Yeah Rocky, I did it. Because you inspired me to do it. I managed to hit my weight goal from Week 5 to Week 8. All thanks to you, your music and your story.

79kgs.

I managed to do it. I’m under 80 kgs.

Which means the past 8 weeks, I’ve managed a net loss of 5kgs.

Not gonna lie, this has been the best news I’ve heard and received all week, despite the bushfire calamity and the increasing stress of the TET festival.

I’m on the way to being a healthier, leaner and probably faster racer.

9kgs more to remove, and I don’t think these ones will be very easy.

But still, I’m pleased with the progress. If only Week 9 will be good, but with the bushfires have placed a halt on my exercise. The air quality is just too bad to go out and exercise.

I guess I have to start seriously considering whether I want to join a gym.

Depressing as it is, if the weather and conditions continue to worsen, I can’t afford to exercise outside and get my Vitamin D anymore. Which infuriates me. Because I love working out outside and letting the natural elements help me burn more calories.

So I guess it’s either I start wearing a mask, or I join a gym.

Maybe I’ll start wearing a mask. Because screw it. If these conditions get worse over time, I want my body to be ready for the upcoming apocalypse. I want it to be water-efficient, able to deal with smog and intense heat.

It’ll be rough, but with the mask it might help enhance my respiratory system.

After all, there is a very real chance that the Great Fire that London experienced in 1666 might happen to all three major cities along the east coast of Australia.

And maybe the anarchy that I have, for so long, feared and secretly desired, might happen for a month, before the military steps in and restore order.

Terrifying thought isn’t it?

However back to the topic at hand, Week 8 was about moderation. I was carefully watching everything I ate. I stuck to smaller meals, drank more water and generally chastised myself a lot more for over-eating at certain meals.

I’m a lot more conscious of my body’s needs and its ability to function with nutrients and food. When I feel “hungry”, I drink water. When it’s time to eat, I limit the carbohydrates and eat things that are easier to covert to energy and digest.

I’ve notice a lot of things this week, with my hips/waist being slimmer and thus pants feeling a bit looser and less tight. If I suck my stomach in, it’s a lot more flattering and straight. There is less of a curve around the belly, and my arm muscles feel “tighter” in a good way.

If I can keep this mental discipline of not over-eating, no doubt I can less the exercise and continue to lose weight.

Another thing I’ve discovered is my bad habit of incorrectly using “its” and “it’s,” in these blogs of mine. I’m currently striving to correct that, so please feel free to mention the mistakes.

Another strange question that came to me, via constructive feedback was whether I really sound like how I write.

The real Damocles, when he speaks, is more or less, an oddly humorous jerk, with a penchant for English slang and humour, that is evened out by a very dark, serious and sometimes cruel streak, in which I have known to lose friends and alienated strangers over.

I can go too far one way, with my humour and teasing, to the point of actually offending someone, and sometimes I can switch on the charm, with all the ease of a sociopath.

But I don’t sound like how I write. If I did …. people would probably hire me as their ghost speech writer more.

As it is, I’ve only ever done that once.

What does come across though, is my brutal honesty and desire to be efficient. I curse a lot more when I talk, using the usual colourful vernacular like: fuck, shit, fuckwit, spoon, bastard, tosser and bugger. I sometimes even throw in an Artemis Fowl reference by saying someone is a headless stink-worm. 

And if I am feeling really up for it, I might even describe someone as a simpering, insipid whore, whose every intake of breath, is a waste of oxygen, best served fuelling a fire.

Or you, stupid, bastard. Your entire gene pool deserves an early grave and should not breed beyond you. You’re an incredible waste of space, resources, time and I hope you’re infertile, because I don’t want to encounter more of your brand of unique stupidity and imbecility.

But those are just thoughts I have for some customers in my retail job.

I don’t actually say those things aloud. Even though I very much wish so.

But yes, I curse a lot more, use simpler words, forgo greetings like “morning, hello, top of the morning to ye, etc” and other such nonsense, because if you see me, then … you already acknowledge me and as such, wasting a word to greet me, is superfluous like saying “ATM machine.”

I’m also a lot less talkative, but if duty absolutely calls for it, I can discuss things at length and tell stories in ways that can charm you.

I know all of this sounds haughty, arrogant and mightily self-serving, but confidence has always been a strength of mine and a lot of it comes from largely positive interactions I’ve had with many different types of people.

It’s hard not to be an arrogant asshole, when a lot of the world seems to tolerate and enjoy you, despite all the signs stating they should be acting in the contrary.

However, at the end of the day, I largely value silence. I don’t open my mouth if I don’t have to. I’ve gone days where my mouth has remained shut, without talking, and I’ve had to really unclench my jaw to get it working again.

After all, this is why I write. I sound, read, listen and think better when I do. Putting pen to paper is a habit, that has helped me stay sane, stay confident and ultimately atop of all the stressful elements in my life.

You don’t write this quickly and smoothly, without years of reflective writing and being attuned to the inner voice in your head.

I always encourage people to write. It’s a good habit. It’s a disk clean-up for your mind.

I’ve rambled a lot more for this week’s Rundown. But I’m just enjoying the glow of being lighter and fitter.

However, tomorrow, it’s back to the routine and the grind.

No rest for the wicked.

Apparently I must have been one of the worst scum in history, cos I don’t think I’ve taken a break in over 6 months or longer.

But as they use to say …

nil volentibus arduum … nothing is arduous for the willing.

~Damocles

P.S. You can read about my ramble on suicide here.

The Nature of Suicide

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Still from Norwegian Wood (2010)

Recently, I’ve had to spent a lot of time, waiting in my car.

By “a lot of time”, I mean stretches of 3 hours or more.

I could have done a lot of things. Walked for a bit. Think about new marketing strategies for my festival. Wrote a song. Write a short novel.

But I did none of those things, because there was a strange tranquillity to seeing life go by … and simply letting it go past you.

I reclined my car, put my feet outside the window and read my book, while occasionally keeping an eye on cars go past.

Sitting there though, through 2 dawns, on separate days, it reminded me of a scene that weirdly haunted me when I first started delving into Haruki Murkami’s literature.

He died that night in his garage. He led a rubber hose from the exhaust pipe of his N-360 to a window, taped over the gap in the window, and revved the engine. I have no idea how long it took him to die. His parents had been out visiting a sick relative, and when they opened the garage to put their car away, he was already dead. His radio was going, and a petrol station receipt was tucked under the windscreen wiper.

Kizuki had left no suicide note, and had no motive that anyone could think of. Because I had been the last one to see him, I was called in for questioning by the police. I told the investigating officer that Kizuki had given no indication of what he was about to do, that he had been exactly the same as always. The policeman had obviously formed a poor impression of both Kizuki and me, as if it was perfectly natural for the kind of person who would skip classes and play pool to commit suicide. A small article in the paper brought the affair to a close. Kizuki’s parents got rid of his red N-360. For a time, a white flower marked his school desk.

Extract taken from Norwegian Wood, by Haruki Murakami

I guess, as a quick aside, I’ve always loved how, even when its been put through a English translated wringer, Murakami’s dream-like style still comes through and shines as bright as ever.

But back to my original point, the way of committing suicide by car always stuck with me.

I love cars, and their ability to allow me to push the limits of speed and technology. But they can also be death traps. After all, a harsh lesson I learned in my limited time racing, is that accidents are a matter of time for racers, not something that can be avoided.

However to slowly wait for your death by asphyxiation?

How terribly sad, lonely and painful. To let the fumes choke you to death, whilst you rev the engine and let the car become your coffin.

I’m not a person who lightly considers suicide. I got too much to live for. Heaven or Hell, whichever one I am destined for, I’ll go kicking and screaming and resisting the whole way. 1 life is all I got. I plan on drinking from the cup of life, until I hit 80 and my body can’t keep up any more.

Then, and only then, I’ll consider suicide. Because if your body can’t move, can’t function right without another person helping you, what is the point?

Suicide … its a strange concept. Reckless, and weirdly selfish. You choose the way how you die. Not someone else.

It’s the final choice and the one you bizarrely have the most control of.

You don’t go into the choice blind. You know the options. Yet you choose death.

There’s a strange power and logic to that.

Once you’ve given up everything, almost nothing will ever affect you again. Not love, nor hate. You’re ideologically bulletproof.

Imagine that, you come from the lowest point to the highest. You were once sad, anxious and helpless by the choices placed upon you, but with the embrace of suicide, you’re stronger, purposeful and emboldened by the choice you’ve made.

Once you lose the fear of death, life becomes either inconsequential or consequential.

I wonder whether this is why I am so drawn to risky jobs.

Soldier, Racer, Astronaut, Traceur, War Journalist, Fire-fighter …. do I have a death wish?

Or do I just wish my death has meaning, because I want my end to be in service of something better?

Maybe I can provide that answer for solider, fire-fighter, journalist or astronaut. But I can’t exactly say the same for racer or a traceur. But then admittedly, a traceur is more or less a hobby not a job.

And with racer, I could argue my death was in pursuit of speed and for the entertainment of others.

Maybe I am a little suicidal. I want to lose my fear of death. I want to stare it down and say “Not today.” I like that tightrope, the foot half in death’s doorway, but never quite committing the full step.

Is that flirting?

No, maybe not.

Or maybe it is.

I did say up there, that I wasn’t really keen on living past 80. So maybe my mind is a bit loose.

But they all say that you have to be a bit strange to consider suicide.

No one willingly wants to die.

But what does that say about jobs that are inherently risky?

Then there is also the strange element of preparing for death.

With soldiers, you take all the precautions you can. You wear armour. You carry a rifle to defend yourself. You stay physically fit. You do your hardest to keep your sanity from slipping.

And yet, you go out there, knowing you’re only a bullet, a explosion, an infection away from death.

Its impossible not to reflect on your own mortality sometimes.

But what about actual suicidal people? How do you research your death? What makes you choose the right method of death?

There’s the famous forest in Japan, Aokigahara, where people go to die, and find themselves lost in the sea of trees. Sometimes I wonder what is the logic behind such a method. What is the appeal?

I would have thought a simple bullet to the side of the temple be sufficient. Why wander through a forest, lost, starving, cold and in agony until finally you die?

What purpose does that extra agony to your death serve?

Then there are the numerous reports that state; hanging is the most popular method of dying. Which makes sense to me, in a strange way. You tie a noose around your neck, kick the chair underneath you, and struggle for a minute before deoxygenation takes over and cut all circulation to your heart and brain.

I guess, even in death, I would favour efficiency over any other method.

Rest assured though, I am not a suicide risk. I don’t harbour thoughts like this very often, but it comes up every so often, because I don’t believe in straying away from darker thoughts. I give them my full attention, let them wander, let them exhaust themselves, and then move on.

Its healthier. Plus the amount of stuff I love to read, and topics I’ve discussed mentally, span everything. Nothing is too sacred and nothing is taboo.

It just haunted me, as I was waiting alone in the car, relaxed, calm and reflective, on how sad the sight would be.

The vision of a young man, in his prime, at the peak of his health, but at the nadir of his mental, his head propped against a slightly reclined chair, discovered in a garage, and smelling of petrol fumes.

How mundane everything seemed before, his humour dark but confident, because he knew, that, that night, all his struggles would cease. So he really could just enjoy the day to its fullest, from the tiniest interactions with a friend, to feeling so good about himself, that he had to prove he could win at pool.

mors certa, hora incerta.

Death is certain, its hour, uncertain.

~Damocles