It has been 45 weeks, since my last B30 Rundown post, all the way back in August 2020.

I’ve since upgraded from running on the streets with just limited T-shirts and one pair of short, to full-blown product placement Under Armour athletic wear.

I have also taken up tennis as my preferred means of staying fit and has kept a consistent diet, trying to limit my meals to smaller portions every day.

Although I will confess that lately, the past week or so, has seen me relapsed a bit. I do need to get my eating under control again.

Mind you, it isn’t anything drastic, but it is more an observation that I ate more sweets and sugary drinks the last 7 days than normal, (which is to say I actually don’t normally eat any of that stuff) so the priority this week is to cull that and really limit the amount of sugar and preservatives I am consuming.

Over the past 40 odd weeks, I have gone through another 2 weeks of lockdown, instability in my work-life balance and resumed poor sleeping times.

Despite those hindrances in the B30 Challenge, my overall fitness has increased and I can happily say that I am nearer my goal of sub-70kgs than ever before.

I am currently sitting at 72kgs, which is the lightest I’ve ever been and the leanest.

I credit tennis for keeping me this healthy and for the obsession I currently have with topspin. Tennis in combination with a stricter diet has allowed me to finally look at my body with pride and develop a healthy ego regarding my fitness.

It has also sparked a lot of side effects that I’ve adopted.

The first real carry-over that being fit has instilled in me, is a healthy work-life balance routine that means that I spend less time at home and more time outdoors, actually being around people and enjoying the sun. My days feel more full, more active and I feel better at home, knowing that I earned a rest, instead of feeling lazy.

Going home feels like I am recovering and that is a much more satisfying feeling than I felt about home for a long time. It is nice to go home with a bit of an ache/soreness in the muscles and then feel rejuvenated after a good night sleep.

The second effect was a desire to maintain my looks. Vanity has slowly crept in, my confidence now soaring higher than it has ever been, and I am now much more conscious of my fashion, hairstyle and skin. I experiment more with my clothes, from wearing a haori casually out and about to colour coordinating my UA outfits to ensure they all match and gel with other.

I have probably spent more on clothes this year than I have ever done the past 3 years and this all stems from a true desire to push my looks forward into something much more confident. I will humbly brag that my colourful wardrobe from UA does make me feel and look like a professional player and indicate that I have some kind of sponsorship (when that is far from the truth). From the mask, down to the shoes, everything is Under Armour and I take a certain amount of pride in that.

Skincare is another element that is now a serious factor in my lifestyle. Working from 10am to 6pm, then doing an additional 2 hours of tennis/football (split – 1.5 hours tennis : 0.5 hours football) means that my skin is taking a whole new level of dirt and particulates. In searching for a skincare brand that would suit me, my ever beauty-conscious girlfriend recommended me AESOP. It ended up being the perfect type of skincare for someone like myself, with my more lazy but expensive approach to skincare.

Aesop is definitely not cheap, but I could instantly tell the difference upon using their basic 3-step process to skincare. Cleanser – Toner – Moisturiser. I only use them once, daily, but the feeling I get from them, is quite luxurious. My skin feels cleaner, softer to touch and seemingly heals a lot quicker too. For someone who has been reluctant to wash my face, due to innate laziness … this has been something of a revelation to me and I now appreciate taking some extra time to clean my face after my daily exercises.

The final point in this vanity section is my haircut, which I have long maintained is the key between an average Damocles and an above average Damocles. I no longer wait 3 to 4 months between trims, instead preferring to go bimonthly to ensure I get maximum use out of my hair, and maintaining a neat, clean look at all times.

Speaking of hair vanity, another crucial development in my conditioning has been football. For Australians/American readers, I am referring to soccer, but I shall be maintaining the rest of the world’s vernacular and refer to the sport as football.

A recent new obsession, and I suppose with the world of sports (F1, Tennis, Football …. I wonder if NFL is next?) I have taken up football in my spare time, to improve my tennis skills. A key ability in football is the skill to accelerate, and perform rapid changes in direction, something that will help me immensely in tennis. I also happen to note that a lot of professional athletes in Formula 1 and tennis engage with a football quite often, as it improves conditioning, cardio, hand (foot)-eye coordination and a whole host of other benefits.

I wanted to emulate that spirit and promptly bought my first pair of boots (UA of course, but soon to be added are a pair of Nike Mercurials) and a football to practice.

Kicking something has never been so fun, and I was immediately transported to the fun I had in high school, as a member of the football team. Curving a football is now my most immediate concern, my desire to top bin the football via a ridiculous curve an obsession that has only grown with each hour of practice.

I’ve yet to pick a team to barracks for, but I am sure that will come soon. My timing could not be more great, as the UEFA EURO2020 is currently airing and I am finding myself absorbed by the game, atmosphere and tension.

Football is not something I want to compete in, unlike tennis, however owning to my ridiculous ego and competitive spirit, I do want to get to a level in football where I can best all my friends easily and hold my head up high, knowing that I can do advanced dribbles, score well and more importantly pass accurately.

I should also mention that since getting into football, a rather large crush has been developed on the star, Cristiano Ronaldo. His attitude, drive and confidence are all things I aspire to, and I’ve also become a lot more health conscious, following his rejection of Coca-Cola ($4 billion dollar loss … incredible). It still shocks me how a role model can truly affect the way how you live, and I am thankful he is one of the best men to emulate.

Tennis still remains my number one priority however, with a true desire to compete on a higher level and represent my club in some form.

The daily practice is slowly paying off too, with my usual tennis partner surprised that I could serve for once, after nearly 5 months of struggling. What also helped was a more critical and objective based mindset in my training, making sure that I could get a more narrow window of consistency and accuracy, really punishing myself when I couldn’t get a forehand in my narrow window of opportunity.

For this, I can thank both Cristiano Ronaldo for his infamous reputation of being first in and last out for training sessions and the quiet voice of Lucas Botkin from T-REX ARMS urging me to have more purpose in my training sessions. After all, I can’t expect to improve myself with sloppy and wasteful training. I need to ensure each session has set goals, and high standards so that my 90% becomes the new 100% and it only continues to rise from there.

The final side effect of my constant training is my competitive spirit, which has gone up considerably. I used to be in denial about how competitive I was, preferring to let things go and seethe quietly in resentment and envy. Nowadays however, there is a motto I live by: Second place is the first loser which I remember was emblazoned across a billboard in Japan’s Suzuka Circuit and has stuck with me ever since.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I despise losing in whatever it is that I do. To lose, without any signs of improving is probably the worst sensation I can experience in sport, and is deeply bitter to me. I can handle loss, as long as it is another step to getting better.

A good example is my last tennis session. Having lost my last set, 4-6 to my opponent in our last practice session, I was not overly disappointed, as it was my first actual attempt at serving properly, with my racket actually serving a couple of aces, and putting into practice a lot of the techniques I’ve experimented with in my training.

Losing 4-6 was a huge improvement over my previous games, which I normally lose 1-6. It also helped that my football dribbling practice came in a huge way, allowing me to really move around the court with speed and precision.

What was key though, was that I walked away from that experience knowing what my weak points are and what I need to focus on in my training.

I’m grateful that nowadays with my routine and life, I can find the energy to be more serious about my hobbies and still get a lot of enjoyment out of them. I am also exceedingly grateful that all my exercise and dieting has actually allowed me to do a normal pull-up for once in my life.

Only the other day, I managed to rip 5 in succession, a huge improvement over my entire life, if I am honest.

It feels good to know that everything I am doing, is improving all aspects of my life, and that I am well on track to beating my personal challenge of being the best version I can be, before the ripe old age of 30.

This is probably the best version of Damocles that has come so far, and the beautiful thing, it can only go up from here if I keep at it.

~ Damocles.

No sun too bright

No water too cold

No wind too great

No earth too hard ….

Born a racer

To go hard faster

This is who I am

To be the quickest ever.

~ A Racing Mantra by Damocles

Today, it rained. Nothing major, not a hailstorm, thunderstorm or anything severe like that. It was the type of rain that annoyed you, but wouldn’t deter you from reaching your destination.

Unless you let it.

As the rain battered my hood, I looked down and saw my feet continue to pound that concrete. The drops that sluiced across my waterproof jacket and I realised …. I truly had run out of excuses not to exercise.

I had a waterproof jacket, that kept me at a functionally warm temperature, my runner leggings were equally coated with DWR, and my shoes were fine.

The only thing stopping me, was my will.

My tiny Ipod intoned mechanically that I still had another 15 minutes to go in my measly 30 minutes routine. Skip for 1 minute, then 2 hard sprints for 100m, rest-walk for 1 minute and then rinse and repeat.

I couldn’t let the rain stop me. The lockdown had decreed that I was only allowed outside for an hour. To give up now, would be a ridiculous waste.

So I kept going, and that … was when I came up with that mantra above. On the fly. Inspired by the famous U.S. Navy SEALs. As I composed that tiny limerick, I knew that if I had the mental strength to do that, I had the ability to push myself harder.

So on the final run, I went from 100m to 200m, struggling desperately to keep my pace.

Naturally I bottled it in the last 50 metres. My speed, energy and even oxygen intake all took a hit and I more or less stumbled to the finish line, or in my neighbourhood, commonly known as a roundabout.

Lately, due to the lockdown, I’ve been feeling more determined not to allow myself go to waste. Sure, I still game an unhealthily amount, and probably spend way too much time in front of a screen, but I refuse to let myself get myself down too much and maintain my exercise and write at least once a week.

I will admit though, the time has really melded. I thought today was only Thursday when in reality it was Friday. I wondered where the hell time had gone, but upon hindsight, it only makes sense, when you look at my poor habit of gaming, eating, running and then writing every so often. When you have work, you tend to be a more grounded in how you approach your days, since so much is stolen.

But when you have free reign over your time, without any consequences …. time is less linear and more fluid.

Staying and feeling tough, in the face of such a depressing holiday, shut away in your home, is difficult, but not unachievable.

Next week, I shall be putting even more effort into my running, with a desire to push my 30 minutes to 45 minutes. Hopefully by mid September, I can achieve a full hour and really maximise my limited time outside.

I don’t have any excuses for not keeping up this challenge. I never went to the gym nor did anything particularly extravagant.

It’s just about willpower now.

The will to improve, the will to act, the will to push and the desire to see through on this promise I made myself.

If I was truly born to race, how can I deny myself an opportunity to go faster?

Until the next Rundown.

~ Damocles.

We’re Not Here for Fun – Lando Norris 

Never doubt the power of passion … 

It’s been a long time, since I’ve last made a Rundown on my Before 30 Challenge. Essentially 16 weeks, since my last one, which was Week 21.

4 long months.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t slipping in that period, I slipped. I went from 73kgs to the current 76kg.

I gained, instead of going on to be healthier.

Winter and COVID-19 really did a number on me.

So what changed in that time?

Formula 1 came back. I started to get back into the groove of racing again. I wanted to spend more time on my simulator rig (it’s just a Logitech G29 Wheel, nothing to bosat about) and be more consistent with my lap times, and really narrow down my splits to within a second of each other.

I started to look forwards to Sundays and seeing those cars push the limits and live vicariously through their overtakes and the drama.

The Austrian and Styrian GPs were just the tonic for me to get back into a fitness groove again. The excitement I felt in those two races enabled me to get back into racing and look more seriously at myself.

It probably helped that I also started watching more SuperGT content on Youtube and seeing the amount of fun he had, on one of my favourite racing games, Gran Turismo Sport, really got me thinking about my health again and my passion for racing.

I was just 4 kilograms away from my goal of 69 kilograms, in Week 21, but I’ve bottled it in the final lap, and am now 7 kilos away.

I’m just grateful I didn’t slip too far.

It’s back to clean eating, loads of cardiovascular exercise and pushing my limits again. I went for a run yesterday and was shocked at how much I’ve lost speed and energy. All my gains, from 21 weeks of exercise, lost in winter hibernation and laziness.

It’s going to be a long, tough climb back to where I was again.

But I’m armed now, with more varied exercises.

Beyond skipping, running, push-ups and sit-ups, I’ve decided to throw in cycling (important, because I’m considering getting myself a motorcycle in a couple of years) and steering with a weight, to cool-down with, so that I can improve the muscles in my arm, when guiding a vehicle through turns.

Reflex tests are also going to be done. I’m just going to toss the ball against a wall, and catch it, and get myself moving again. I miss squash, the other sport I really enjoyed, but I don’t have an enclosed court to really practice in. It was my favourite for a long time, because of the reflexes, agility and speed in which it was played.

However …

This time, I’m not going to let cold-weather get in the way.

If it’s dark, I’m going to get out there.

If it’s cold, I’m going to get my reps in.

If it’s just a drizzle, I’m going to power through.

But if it’s a hailstorm, I’ll take it easy. I got a job and I can’t be taking days off, because I’m sick.

That’s counter-productive, because I might miss a few days, instead of taking a single day off.

Right now, I’ve also got to focus on my diet.

My eating habits are getting out of hand again. Too many sweets, too much snacking. I got to curb it back to normal levels.

Limit myself to small snacks a day, drink more water and watch the carb intake.

I know I can dedicate myself to a daily routine, because I’ve done it once before. I’ve rekindle the fire inside, to be “racer-ready” and really strip the fat from my body.

It’s time I’ve prioritised my need for speed, and take a good hard look at myself and really push hard for that magic number.

I am going to keep myself honest again, and keep making these Rundowns every week and monitor the situation.

Hopefully if I keep pushing myself, an hour to hour/half a day, my recovery will be a lot quicker.

It’s time to get off my arse, and start chasing something again.

I can’t hide behind depressing work conditions, COVID-19 lockdowns and other lame excuses.

None of those seriously impact on how I treat my own health.

So therefore, none of them are serious excuses for why I’ve slipped.

It’s not the mistake that really matter, but what you do to rectify it, that counts in the end.

I’m going to make up for my own personal mistake now.

Keep me honest, readers. Don’t let me slip again.

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

~ Damocles.

 

 

Empty streets. If you ever wanted loneliness, now is the time to walk. 

What is there to update?

Well, despite the huge global pandemic, and the restriction on movement, and my extreme lapse in exercise, due to all the above factors, I still managed to lose an extra 2 kilograms.

So now, I am sitting steady at 73kg.

4kgs away from my goal.

It seems my dieting, whilst not as tight as before, is still working.

What isn’t working as well though, are my writing skills. They seem to have gotten a tad rusty, during my sojourn, and it is reflected in my struggle to put my thoughts together in this very rundown.

So I guess I will have to adopt, a rapid fire paragraph approach to all the issues that I think I’ve faced during this very long absence of posts.

I am still working. 

Boredom is very much the name of the game here, at my workplace. With the shopping centre devoid, robbed and closed of any personality and people, I have taken to walking around the centre, indulging in a post apocalyptic fantasy. Eating alone in a shop, with no one in it, is definitely a strange callback to the vibes I felt when watching that Will Smith helmed I Am Legend. 

COVID-19 

I guess I always saw this coming. It was either going to be a zombie outbreak, which despite fiction and no basis in science, is genuine, irrational fear of mine, or a plague. I couldn’t see nuclear apocalypse happening, because even if it did, no preparation of mine could stop it.

But I did see plagues and zombies as a real fear because well … I could still be around when they strike. I remember thinking very early about vaccinations and wondering when viruses and bacteria got so good at beating man at their own game, that a supervirus would wipe out humanity. COVID-19’s delayed reaction, spread and diverse symptoms are a sign that viruses are getting better at beating us.

Plus the Earth got to restore some balance to itself. We’re certainly aren’t doing anything about ourselves to stop ourselves. We used to be one with nature, back in the days of the First Nation people. Now, our hubris, arrogance, and dominance has finally come to bite us in the arse.

One virus is all it takes to literally halt the endless “progress” mankind values so much. A sobering reminder of our mortality and puny nature.

Finance

I’m still working. Even though I don’t want to. I guess it’s a small blessing, when so many people are out of a job. I am still getting fortnightly payments and I guess I can start saving aggressively for things on my wish-list. I just wished work wasn’t so boring.

Weather

My favourite season is essentially here. With daylight saving over, and time genuinely being correct, I can start to unwind and relax in this cold and darker period of the year. Even though it’s freezing outside, and exercise shouldn’t be recommended, if I get enough gear, I can probably still maintain my running ability and skipping progress.

Hmm … guess it’s time to go Under Armour shopping.

It’s nice to know that the weather finally reflects how shitty of a year this has been, instead of mocking us indoor-bound creatures with perfect skies and clear water.

Daily routine

This is the moment of shame for me. Without work, both from Tofu Events and Miniso, it has been an endless cycle of these 5 games:

For Honor, Grand Theft Auto V, Call of Duty Modern Warfare, Insurgency Sandstorm and Animal Crossing. 

And with eating in between all of those, youtube videos and little else.

I haven’t even read a book yet. Or raced cars in a simulator. In other words, practice actual skills.

Pretty damn depressing.

What a degenerate I’ve become. I guess that’s why I am writing this right now. To spark some creativity back into my system. My mind demands that I do something productive, create something of myself.

It’s always never ceases to amaze and disgust me, how much of a slob I become, when robbed of the feeling: purpose.

Atmosphere

It’s strange. Fear is rampant, and yet I also see happier families playing in the yard and more family time being spent. Of course there are the hilarious stories of people hating their spouse, because they actually have to spend time with them but for those who live for domesticity, it’s been interesting to see them blossom.

Then on the other side, you have people dying, hospital workers being stretched to their limits, retail workers getting abused for toilet paper and a lot of other stupid shit, that humans end up resorting to when finally faced with the idea of death.

Overall, I would say this COVID-19 is ultimately a good thing. It’s about damn time people woke up to themselves and what impact we can have on each other and the Earth. In a very cold, honest way, I can’t help but think this is a really good lesson to humanity. A lot of things are always more clear when seen through the lens of mortality.

I mean that in all honesty. All the small problems you have, suddenly look petty when compared to the idea of death or spreading death to people you love. We’ve finally stopped worshiping stupid stuff, like the importance of celebrity, whether the new Iphone will be better, whether you really need a HSP at 2am at night.

We can, finally, as a species, take a damn breather from the prison we’ve created for ourselves and actually appreciate the finer aspects of life.

But ultimately the reason why I say it’s good, is because the environment finally has a chance to recover from our destructive lifestyle. I was stunned by the images seen from Venice, where the waters were clear and dolphins had returned. Or the satellite imagery of pollution levels in Italy, after a week of people staying indoors.

How strange is it to think, that climate change progress has been accelerated by a huge margin, because everyone stays indoor and the world just slowed down. Less tourists, less business, less people out … I could only wish that in the future to help our planet, we would make a COVID-19 memory week where everything shut down.

I would also like to think that people think a bit more harshly on governments. Maybe all these disasters faced this year, shows people the importance of being kept abreast of politics. You can hate politics, and despise politicians, but you can never afford to be ignorant of politics.

After all, these people are the ones that dictate your lives in times of crises and if you vote and choose the wrong party, people lose their lives and stupid decisions get made like bringing in a passenger ship with 100 confirmed cases and letting them loose in a bustling metropolis.

I never understood people who chose to vote without thought or care. It is yours and everyone’s else lives at stake here.

Be informed with every decision. Even when it comes to ticking a box to a person’s name.

State of Mind

If I had to sum up my existence in the midst of this COVID-19 pandemic, I suppose I would say it like this:

Bored and lacking drive. 

Which, if I am honest, is essentially the same before the whole pandemic started. So not much have changed.

I just got to make the most of what I have. Exercising outside, is not foreign to me. Nor is being indoors for days on end. Making little money at my store is also not much of a change, even when my shopping centre was full.

I don’t miss different food all that much, nor exploring the city.

I think the only inconvenience, is my inability to get a haircut. My hair is getting annoyingly long. Maybe it’s time to invest in an electric shaver.

These are weird times. Certainly not the end of the world, but I suspect when I look back on it, it was a time when the world stood still just for a tiny bit.

~Damocles

Alone, with your thoughts, in a place where you’d think you’d have company …

(American Gods Season 1, Episode 1)

Fickle …

is the enemy of my progress.

I was thinking about that word and how apt it was, to describe how the modern mind works nowadays. You flit from one idea to the other, like an indecisive butterfly, never really committing to taking all the nectar from one idea, one philosophy, one … anything.

Right now, I’m supposed to be asleep. It’s 0241 in the AM. I got work at 0900 but once I’m bitten by the writing bug, it won’t let me sleep.

So it’s Red Bull in the morning, and maybe 4-5 hours of sleep.

Writing is the one thing that is never fickle. It’s an obsession, a force of habit that stems from me desperately needing to get something off my chest and clear my mind-space for more efficiency.

Writing is the exhaust of my engine. It lets out all the bad thoughts, all the nasty gas, and cleanse the mind of clutter and build-up emotions.

It hasn’t failed me yet.

But where was I? Oh yeah … fickle.

It’s a good word to approach how I have behaved towards this challenge, post – TET. I can tell my heart isn’t quite in it as much anymore. But that’s OK. Habits … whether your heart is there or not, is you programming yourself to do it.

I take showers in the morning. I brush my teeth. I change a certain way. I do lots of things that construe habits.

What is an hour of exercise at 1900? Another habit I just have to stick to. But getting there, where it’s automatic is another story altogether.

Fickle.

It makes you sound weak.

Fickle.

It makes you sound indecisive.

Fickle … it makes me worried. Can I commit?

If I can’t commit to this simple challenge, what else will I drop at the slightest provocation?

Girlfriends? Education? Health?

I’m afraid of what I have been doing to myself.

In this day and age, it’s so easy to blame other things. To paint yourself a victim.

But I’m not built that way. I believe you have a choice. An active decision making process that makes you the sole person to blame. You can’t go around blaming other people and other things, when in reality, it was your series of choices and decisions that lead you up to this point.

But what are you afraid of Damocles? I hear you ask.

I’m afraid of technology. I’m afraid of being stuck in a shitty job. I’m afraid that my Tofu Events business will never take off.

Because I am fickle.

Technology … has that insidious feeling of rotting you away. I can feel it a bit like a cancer inside of me. Endless crap on Facebook makes you a lesser person. I see endless shit on that site. Constant news articles decrying humanity and society. Mundane and inane shit that people love to tag each other in. Stupid memes that serve to cheapen topics of importance.

They say it brings people closer to together, that more of the world is accessible. I say to that, yes, but you were so preoccupied about with whether you could or couldn’t  and never stopped to think about whether you should.

One reason I stay isolated more than the average person is to keep my creativity as fierce as possible. Being the odd one out may have its temporary disadvantages, but more importantly, it has its permanent advantages – Criss Jami, Killosophy.

I keep seeing it everywhere … the more connected you are, the more time you spend on the web, it leads to the numbing of the brain. You only need to look at the inane stupidity of voters, toilet rolls and a virus that isn’t even that virulent.

When you are in an echo chamber, and your voice suck, but you keep hearing it every time you log in, eventually you fool yourself into thinking its beautiful.

And that is what Facebook and similar things is like. An auditorium with all the stuff you like, constant playback of the things you hold dear, a product of an unfeeling algorithm.

How can one grow, when surrounded by only the things you want to see, hear, feel and experience?

The art of conversation, intelligence and discussion is lost on that site. People used to go to cafes and discuss topics of great importance and the future.

Now, they laugh at the present times and don’t think twice beyond their next meal that they will Instagram.

I sound like one of those cranky old people.

I probably am. But that’s what happens when you think about the future too much. You become too serious. Too afraid. Too conscious of your decisions. It makes you want to act. But you are frozen with indecision. Because anything you’ll do, will affect the future. And the future is full of consequences.

Beyond being an hyper individualist, I suppose I like to think of myself as a futurist. People would get depressed if they consider the future for a second.

My depression fuels the nihilism within, but the desire to make something of myself snuffs that nihilistic fire out all the time.

Social media … has proven to me, time and time again, that it’s a corruption of “social” skills. You can’t have social skills if you just meme, like, tag and comment on things all the time. You’re just emulating what social skills are. If you have a conversation in reality, you can’t just like what someone says. You have to put thought into it.

And putting thought into something is hard for fickle people. Even harder when your attention span has been shortened thanks to a shorthand in social skills.

Don’t be an addict to your phones. Since when was this tiny rectangle become such a time-consuming, attention seeking automatic habit for me?

I feel like those people who chain smoke cigarettes and keep reaching for one.

But instead of dragging nicotine through my lungs, I’m trying to feed my mind with a notification.

Hideous.

To be an addict, is to be life’s ultimate parasite.

Your only nutrient is what you crave.

Addiction should always be loathed.

A shitty job fear is obvious and entirely linked to my work ethic regarding Tofu Events. I keep playing games instead of working hard. I keep putting it off.

Why?

Because I’m tired already. I’m just one guy. The work-load has only intensified since I’ve actually come up with a plan for it. If I had no shitty job, it would be alright. I could dedicate every waking moment to it (but would I actually? In a Utopia; yes, realistically fuck no).

But I got one. It’s called being a Trainee Store Leader at Miniso Australia. And now, I’m burdened with the responsibility of looking after it.

And knowing me, I won’t be satisfied if I do the job half-arsed.

But it’s shitty, I hear you say, why the fuck do you care Damocles? They pay you like crap and you can just do bare minimum. 

Because everything I do, whether it’s given to me, forced on me, or whatever else on me, I want to do to the best of my abilities. I hate regrets more than I fear failure. I don’t care if something fails. As long as I know I tried my hardest to make it work.

In 5 months, they can close down the store I run, but at least I can say, it’s not my damn fault that they did. All the elements in my control, I controlled to the maximum of my ability and with an annoying OCD mindset and in the end, it was just the world saying Fuck You to me.

But I spat back at it, with everything I had.

I didn’t take it kneeling, and I sure as shit didn’t let the opportunity slip past me, without me trying to make my mark on it.

I hate inaction as much as I despise regret the emotion.

Because they’re linked and tied at the hip. They’re like Siamese twins together. You do nothing about something … and boom, there comes regret.

So even though the job is crap, I got my hands tied in how to improve it, give it my all I shall.

But just at 90%. I got to learn how to leave work at work. I can’t bring it home and let it get me all down.

Therefore interfering with my work for Tofu Events.

God, there is just so much to do for Tofu. It’s a massive weight on my shoulders. I need to email so much. I need to fix my website a lot more. I got so much more advertising to do.

There are so many times, when I should be exercising, but I put it off to do Tofu work, only to get fickle-minded about it, and sad and angry and bothered by the sheer work-load, that I end up trying to de-stress and end up playing games.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Thankfully, I have not put on any more weight though.

I seem stuck at 75kg. So damn close to my target of 69kg.

It may sound stupid now, but I just realised that the only way to properly de-stress myself is to get to work.

I just HAVE to commit myself to my course of action and get shit done for Tofu. Otherwise I will never be able to move forward.

How ironic. Such a simple solution. But it never really clicked for me.

It’s so true what they say about obvious answers.

But like anything obvious and true, it’s never easy and non-sacrificial.

The truth always takes something out of you.

In my case, it just removed a tiny bit of fickleness.

In which I am very grateful indeed.

The point about me listing those fears above, is that at any given time, I had a choice to do something about them. I could switch off my phone. I could delete Facebook. I could change my feed … so that it’s less stupid. So that the things I see on there are more interesting, more varied, less cancerous.

These are the type of decisions everyone has the power to make. It’s why every so often, I head to my friends list and delete the ones I don’t talk to anymore.

I could have chosen to quit Miniso and make my life aimless and broke again, while I scrabble desperately around to make Tofu Events work. But instead I chose to do 2 jobs at the same time. To sacrifice a bit of mental health, well-being and freedom after 6pm to do even more work.

All these choices were mine.

And mine alone. I can complain in hindsight, I can break down over the work, but at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but myself.

Life is simpler, when you realise that you alone control your destiny. That there isn’t some omnipotent being out there controlling your destiny.

It’s just you.

Y/N?

Yes or No. You either said yes or you said no.

And I chose yes to all those things above, to all the things I fear, all the things I have to sacrifice, because at the end, if I am not pushing myself all the time, how can I possibly be better at anything? I can’t just be playing games all day.

There’s no money or satisfaction in that.

But there is, in one day quitting Miniso, knowing that Tofu is on its way, on its feet and is actually a successful start-up.

Just as there is similar satisfaction in cleansing my mind of the crap you see so often on social media. A detox away from it all. To stop having small anxieties about who messaged me, whether I got a like, or reaching for my phone every 5 minutes to assure that anxiety.

The way forward is clearer now.

I’m going to get my life sorted again. Back to running between two roundabouts, back to skipping so much I almost sprain my legs.

Back to being creative at writing, exorcising my demons, and mental clutter.

Back to the future?

Oh God. That was horrible. Sorry.

But it’s true. If I want to make my future better, I better get to work on it now.

Just wished it wasn’t so hard and difficult.

~Damocles.

P.S. It’s currently 0326 … I suspect my shift at Miniso tomorrow will not be pleasant.

 

 

 

I miss the actual act of placing a vinyl on a record player or inserting a CD into a player.

That textile action of choosing your album and letting it play out, without the ADD sensation of rapidly clicking onto another song, is something I miss.

It’s an actual decision. You are stuck with that album, the good songs, the tunes you want to skip and the music in-between.

Once you are done enjoying the entire album, you take it out carefully, and put it aside and select another one.

I’m not sure why I’m delving into nostalgia, but I can probably pinpoint the reason why. Yet for some weird reason I’m hesitant to reveal.

I may be a lot of things, but a liar on this blog, isn’t one of them.

The reason why is because the theme of slack for this rundown. I miss the determined Damocles before TET.

Hence the moment TET ended, and the Gold Coast holiday started, I could sense my motivation slip for this challenge.

Things went too smooth. I ate too much, I didn’t exercise, and I really let my guard down.

And now trying to get back into the groove is proving difficult.

Especially with the fact that I snacked a bit too much in these past 2 weeks, and started drinking Coke more.

Curse the damn leftovers from TET.

Temptation is staring at me and I keep looking back and caving in.

However today, I figured that the more honest I am about my problems and if I refuse the gaze of snacking and soft drinks, I will get back into the groove.

It’s time to reclaim that healthier diet. More water, less sweets, less carbohydrates and watching the amount I eat.

I realised, that discipline isn’t something to be feared. It’s something to aspire to, to mould into something unique for yourself.

The person that is able to maintain high levels of discipline and integrate unique routines and activities that better themselves will always triumphs over the rigours of life.

I also have to acknowledge the fact that, I am also an addict.

I am hooked on the thrill of chaos.

When everything goes wrong, that is when I feel most engaged with life.

Of course, I don’t mean that in an all encompassing sense. It’s more, when things that I can see a solution to, problems that I can control go wrong simultaneously.

I love trying to come up with answers to issues that might overwhelm another.

Now, that I’ve discovered the ability to work on things simultaneously in my mind, I want to keep exercising that muscle.

I believe in my own efficiency. My own skills to address problems. I feel safe in knowing that my experience and knowledge can truly come up with creative and smart innovations for a lot of problems.

A key example of this is during the TET festival, when I split my mind into three, to solve three unique problems that the decoration, second stage and activities were all facing, at once.

However, all this self-faith, always come across a huge stop marker when things I can’t control occur. Weather, insanely stubborn people, authority figures and huge bureaucratic systems are just some of the things that come to mind.

I’m a hyper individualist.

A strange term that I have never heard before, until my friend, Samuel told me, that this philosophy, moral stance and ideology perfectly described me.

And upon reading further, it does fit me.

I value independence and self-reliance and oppose external interference on my own self-interests like the government. I think anarchy is the preferred state that society should operate in and the description of my “mind palace” resembles that of an bohemian bachelor.

All these things point to Individualism as my preferred ideology for life.

So how does that relate back to the Before 30 Challenge?

Well, my individualist nature is what made the B30 challenge even a possibility. I didn’t invite anyone else to partake in this challenge. Nor did I bother trying to join a gym.

I just went out and did it.

My motivation to excel in this self appointed crusade of mine, to lose weight, only increased as the chaos and stress of TET began, (a clear indication of anarchy as my preferred state) and then subsided as I was slowly assimilated back into normal functioning society.

I announced my addiction because, to be honest, if you don’t say things aloud and see it appear, even in the digital world, it’s not real.

I live in that panicked state, whereas everyone else is losing their mind. So in other to gain traction again, I need to create another panicked state.

In other words, it’s time for me to involve Tofu Events and create an arena of anarchy where my energy and will can best be spent tackling all the problems my business has.

So here is the list of things I am going to do, to make it real.

1. 1 hour of daily exercise
2. 1 hour of daily Tofu work
3. 1 hour of daily reading
4. 1 type of writing a week
5. 1 rundown a week
6. 1/2 hour of GT Sport Simulator
7. Budget my fortnightly income better

It’s time to make Tofu Events a proper business.

It’s time to get better at driving.

It’s time to get closer to my weight goal

It’s time to read more and learn.

It’s time to write and keep practising this skill.

It’s time to start ticking things off the wish-list.

I’ve never really struggled with identity issues, due to individualism.

I am the sum of all that has happened to me, and all that I’ve learnt.

I don’t belong to a, b, c, e, f, g, h or any of the letters or numbers that make up = d.

I am Damocles.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Here to see this B30 challenge to the end and then find another one straight after that.

~Damocles

It’s been a while ….

I’ve skipped 3 weeks of exercise and writing due to the imminent arrival of the TET festival. But I never stopped reading. So I can say with a bit of pride, I managed to finish that Napoleon book.

Napoleon the Great by Andrew Roberts. It was a wild ride and had a very sad ending. Napoleon died in exile on St Helena, an island some considered the most remote place in the world at the time.

I can’t quite imagine what that felt like … a man of his incredible talent, power and energy, left to rot in ignominy until his death.

It also reminded me of my potential plan, to go into self-imposed exile, and made me wonder whether such a move was truly healthy for me. Would I go insane? Could I live without command?

It’s a difficult question. Even today, I felt bereft of many things, going back into the ordinary life of a retail worker, after the high of commanding a huge event. Things don’t feel the same, taste as interesting or fuel the creative energy as much.

Mundane things like restocking a store just seems … wasteful and lethargic.

But now that it’s over, I can finally take a breather and relax a bit.

Just a full warning … this is going to be a very long read. There is a lot to break down and assess.

From an overall perspective, the festival was a failure. Not enough people attended. All the stake-holders did not make money. We all lost.

From a personal viewpoint, I, too, consider it a failure. The energy was not there. The vibes were off and too many points of the festival looked empty. I expended a huge amount of energy, time and willpower and it was all for naught.

Objectively though, taken in context, the festival was a strange pyrrhic victory. Every other type of festival that occurred on the same weekend, and of its type, failed on an even larger scale. Chinatown, on the Sunday, flopped disastrously despite the fine weather. A beer festival had just 10 people, despite occurring in the heart of the city.

We managed to get at least a couple of thousand through the door and everyone somewhat recovered at least a little bit.

We all knew it was doomed to fail. But at least we didn’t fail as hard as the others. A testament to the quality of our event and brand awareness. That we even got that many people through the door, is an intriguing statement, when so many others failed.

But enough about the outcome of the festival. I can discuss that in another blog.

How did you feel about the whole experience?

Wasted. On a positive note, my weight loss dropped to 75kg at one point. But currently I am now at a more realistic 77kg. Still … not bad, considering I was 79 for the past 3 weeks.

The Before 30 Challenge is still on. I broke my skipping rope, in Week 10 and finally got a new one, that I can use  and promises to be more durable than any other rope I’ve used thus far.

So beginning soon, I will get back into the routine again. An interesting fact I learned about myself during the festival, was that I didn’t need as much food as I thought. If I could just harness my entire body and mind, I could be a lot more efficient with the food I did eat and operate well on a lower calorie intake.

Being busy, helps me stay in good condition and lose weight.

I need to feel like I am operating at 100% a lot throughout the year, not just once for TET.

Another crucial element I discovered was that I worked out the ability to truly multi-task on a level I have never really found myself doing before.

The best analogy to describe this feeling would be your typical guitar strings.

5 lines, running parallel, separate and all sounding different to one another. But to make a cohesive song, you have to use all of them.

My mind felt like the hands that manipulate that guitar. One string was marketing, another was the TET Theatre, stall holders represented another and the analogy goes on.

At one point, I was actively using all the strings, and running through them all.

They say that you should never half-ass multiple things, always whole-ass one thing.

I think, as a leader, you can’t afford to do that unfortunately. You have to whole-ass multiple things.

And while mistakes and issues were made, overall, the result wasn’t terrible. Yes, I could have helped the TET Theatre with its preparation more. I could have tweaked the budget better and have more control over the volunteer food equipment.

But at the end of the day, I’m one person.

Shit.

I sound like I am making excuses for those errors. I may be one person, but the entire team relies on me.

I think next year, I just need to make more time. I shouldn’t have done a 10 day working week and then immediately jump into the festival.

To be honest, I haven’t even had a proper break yet. Not a single day to recover since January the 20th. I have worked every day including today, Tuesday, the 4th of February, without pause.

What a depressing thought.

And yet, slightly proud too.

Even now, my mind is still trying to tick the boxes off for the festival.

There are still so many things that never came to fruition, and never truly shone according to my vision.

I guess I still need to work on it.

I wonder whether I will ever truly be happy with anything, until it becomes exactly the way how I envision things. But is that even possible?

Perhaps it is, if I have a clearer vision.

And I know exactly how to achieve it.

Perhaps then, things might play a bit better.

Another recent thing that I have learnt about leadership, beyond clarity of vision, effectiveness of execution and the power of charisma, is whether I am actually any good at being a leader.

I’ve done a lot of leadership roles in the past, but I’ve never actually wondered why people trusted me, why people would even follow me or ask for advice from me.

I never really wondered why people would even respect me in my capacity as a leader.

Nor did I ever really enquire as to what made me think I could be one.

Napoleon, has always believed he was born to be one. I never once thought that.

I may have the ability, but I attribute that to my stubborn and persistent moral code and ethics, that have been born from countless stories of the SAS, historical fiction and the development of my own moral ideas and philosophy and rules that I deem important to me.

Rules like intervening, rather than watching or simply gritting your teeth and getting on with it, despite all the risks and consequences are probably what pushed me into leadership positions, despite my own hatred of authority figures.

Nothing good has ever come out of inaction. It’s always better to do something than deliberate and procrastinate over a hard choice.

It’s why I’m writing again. I could slack off, and forget the Before 30 Challenge, but no, it’s back to the grind again.

I only managed 30 minutes today, and so now, I got to climb back up to 60 minutes again, and try to undo some of the damage such a long break has done to my body and stamina.

It probably doesn’t help I just came back from a holiday in the Gold Coast, where I ate like a King, to compensate for the negative calories intake during the TET festival.

But I’m skipping again and I’m still at 77kgs. So I got to keep going.

I’ve also nearly finished another book, The History of the SAS by Chris Ryan and admittedly it still gets me.

By it, I mean the mythos of the Special Air Service. To this day, they still serve as one of the most important reasons why I aspire to be better. To be fitter, leaner, faster and stronger.

Even though an Army career is out of the question for me, I would love to one day meet a Blade and just have a genuine conversation about their career and what make them …  them.

Those men and women, are the real life super-humans, with their incredible will-power and abilities.

And I think daily, about how much I would love to join their hallowed ranks. It’s the same obsession that drives me about racing, how much I would sacrifice to be a Formula 1 driver.

Discipline, Diligence, Determination and Daring.

All of those are tenets that any successful person must have.

I have to improve on all of them.

Week 13 … It’s back on again. Back to the daily training and grind.

Who Dares Win.

~Damocles

Frustration.

There was a strange cushiness to the start of the decade that I despised. Week 9 wasn’t a struggle. It wasn’t even hard. It was boring.

It was an entire week dedicated to dieting. I only did 1 day completed of exercise.

The air prevented me from properly allowing myself to complete exercise.

And I even lazily took a day off on Saturday.

What the hell happened?

That’s easy to answer, Damocles.

You

Got

Soft.

Too many days off has caused this rot inside of you.

And its not even completely your fault. If it was entirely your fault, then perhaps you would feel better, but it isn’t. Its the ever fluctuating weather.

And the fact that yesterday you tried, but ended up injuring your left leg again.

The amount of pain I’ve felt in this damn leg, make me want to chop it off and replace it with a mechanical one, cos its been preventing me from fully exploiting my new-found energy and health.

I’ve been forced to walk, hobble and limp my running sessions and do push-ups and sit-ups and stretches.

And I can’t properly skip either.

Stupid leg.

I miss my exercise. I miss the sweat. The energy and the endorphins.

I miss being able to have 1 hour completely alone for myself.

But this close to the TET festival, I can’t catch a break. Its full-tilt until the finish line. I’m too busy helping others …. (read more here)

I’m annoyed with myself. Progress is slowing and almost halted.

That is not how I want things to go. This week, I got to find replacement exercises to do indoors, otherwise I’ll go insane with frustration and my lack of discipline.

Research Damocles. Start doing some. All good work starts with research, briefing yourself and preparing your steps for the future. Then all you have to do is put one foot forward.

Week 9. Cushy, Boring, Shit and Disappointing.

You have only yourself to blame and so pick yourself up again and get back at it, bushfire smoke or not.

Get inventive and creative and maybe focus on something else than just cardio.

You got a brain Damocles. Use it.

~Damocles.

 

 

 

Yeah Rocky, I did it. Because you inspired me to do it. I managed to hit my weight goal from Week 5 to Week 8. All thanks to you, your music and your story.

79kgs.

I managed to do it. I’m under 80 kgs.

Which means the past 8 weeks, I’ve managed a net loss of 5kgs.

Not gonna lie, this has been the best news I’ve heard and received all week, despite the bushfire calamity and the increasing stress of the TET festival.

I’m on the way to being a healthier, leaner and probably faster racer.

9kgs more to remove, and I don’t think these ones will be very easy.

But still, I’m pleased with the progress. If only Week 9 will be good, but with the bushfires have placed a halt on my exercise. The air quality is just too bad to go out and exercise.

I guess I have to start seriously considering whether I want to join a gym.

Depressing as it is, if the weather and conditions continue to worsen, I can’t afford to exercise outside and get my Vitamin D anymore. Which infuriates me. Because I love working out outside and letting the natural elements help me burn more calories.

So I guess it’s either I start wearing a mask, or I join a gym.

Maybe I’ll start wearing a mask. Because screw it. If these conditions get worse over time, I want my body to be ready for the upcoming apocalypse. I want it to be water-efficient, able to deal with smog and intense heat.

It’ll be rough, but with the mask it might help enhance my respiratory system.

After all, there is a very real chance that the Great Fire that London experienced in 1666 might happen to all three major cities along the east coast of Australia.

And maybe the anarchy that I have, for so long, feared and secretly desired, might happen for a month, before the military steps in and restore order.

Terrifying thought isn’t it?

However back to the topic at hand, Week 8 was about moderation. I was carefully watching everything I ate. I stuck to smaller meals, drank more water and generally chastised myself a lot more for over-eating at certain meals.

I’m a lot more conscious of my body’s needs and its ability to function with nutrients and food. When I feel “hungry”, I drink water. When it’s time to eat, I limit the carbohydrates and eat things that are easier to covert to energy and digest.

I’ve notice a lot of things this week, with my hips/waist being slimmer and thus pants feeling a bit looser and less tight. If I suck my stomach in, it’s a lot more flattering and straight. There is less of a curve around the belly, and my arm muscles feel “tighter” in a good way.

If I can keep this mental discipline of not over-eating, no doubt I can less the exercise and continue to lose weight.

Another thing I’ve discovered is my bad habit of incorrectly using “its” and “it’s,” in these blogs of mine. I’m currently striving to correct that, so please feel free to mention the mistakes.

Another strange question that came to me, via constructive feedback was whether I really sound like how I write.

The real Damocles, when he speaks, is more or less, an oddly humorous jerk, with a penchant for English slang and humour, that is evened out by a very dark, serious and sometimes cruel streak, in which I have known to lose friends and alienated strangers over.

I can go too far one way, with my humour and teasing, to the point of actually offending someone, and sometimes I can switch on the charm, with all the ease of a sociopath.

But I don’t sound like how I write. If I did …. people would probably hire me as their ghost speech writer more.

As it is, I’ve only ever done that once.

What does come across though, is my brutal honesty and desire to be efficient. I curse a lot more when I talk, using the usual colourful vernacular like: fuck, shit, fuckwit, spoon, bastard, tosser and bugger. I sometimes even throw in an Artemis Fowl reference by saying someone is a headless stink-worm. 

And if I am feeling really up for it, I might even describe someone as a simpering, insipid whore, whose every intake of breath, is a waste of oxygen, best served fuelling a fire.

Or you, stupid, bastard. Your entire gene pool deserves an early grave and should not breed beyond you. You’re an incredible waste of space, resources, time and I hope you’re infertile, because I don’t want to encounter more of your brand of unique stupidity and imbecility.

But those are just thoughts I have for some customers in my retail job.

I don’t actually say those things aloud. Even though I very much wish so.

But yes, I curse a lot more, use simpler words, forgo greetings like “morning, hello, top of the morning to ye, etc” and other such nonsense, because if you see me, then … you already acknowledge me and as such, wasting a word to greet me, is superfluous like saying “ATM machine.”

I’m also a lot less talkative, but if duty absolutely calls for it, I can discuss things at length and tell stories in ways that can charm you.

I know all of this sounds haughty, arrogant and mightily self-serving, but confidence has always been a strength of mine and a lot of it comes from largely positive interactions I’ve had with many different types of people.

It’s hard not to be an arrogant asshole, when a lot of the world seems to tolerate and enjoy you, despite all the signs stating they should be acting in the contrary.

However, at the end of the day, I largely value silence. I don’t open my mouth if I don’t have to. I’ve gone days where my mouth has remained shut, without talking, and I’ve had to really unclench my jaw to get it working again.

After all, this is why I write. I sound, read, listen and think better when I do. Putting pen to paper is a habit, that has helped me stay sane, stay confident and ultimately atop of all the stressful elements in my life.

You don’t write this quickly and smoothly, without years of reflective writing and being attuned to the inner voice in your head.

I always encourage people to write. It’s a good habit. It’s a disk clean-up for your mind.

I’ve rambled a lot more for this week’s Rundown. But I’m just enjoying the glow of being lighter and fitter.

However, tomorrow, it’s back to the routine and the grind.

No rest for the wicked.

Apparently I must have been one of the worst scum in history, cos I don’t think I’ve taken a break in over 6 months or longer.

But as they use to say …

nil volentibus arduum … nothing is arduous for the willing.

~Damocles

P.S. You can read about my ramble on suicide here.

“I’d been sitting at the bar for three hours, or five years depending on the way you looked at things.”

Stagnation.

That’s the theme of Week 7.

I only covered 24.91kms.

A rather drastic 6km short of the past week.

But somehow I lost a lot of my motivation this week. Things just weren’t clicking. I moved slower, I reacted slower. I felt like giving up more.

Things just felt … harder.

I guess the heat has finally gotten to me. I skip 2 days in a row, and this is what happens. My mental well is exhausted of its water and suddenly everything seems harder.

I guess I should give a quick discussion about that well.

Halfway through one of my sets, I thought about what it was that was driving me.

I knew why. I wanted to become faster. I wanted to lose weight so I could drive quicker and look better. I wanted the physique of a professional driver.

But somehow that answer didn’t satisfy me.

And that literally sapped my strength. My push-ups felt weaker and my mental fortitude slipped.

Which is where we come to my query …

How much of our mental health is band-aided?

How really strong are we mentally?

How much of what we do is just a distraction from the inner pain? What actually cures that pain?

Have most of my workouts been a band-aid for a deeper issue? I’ve thrown myself into this challenge, thinking deeply about how shallow my actual goal is. To look good by 30.

But what am I really thinking about?

Am I making up for lost time, being ashamed about my body? Am I doing this because society tells me that I don’t look good? That I’m not strong? That I lack something?

Its a terrifying thought, to be confronted with what you have been doing, the routine you’ve established is merely a temporary fix for what’s really wrong.

Because you end up looking at everything you do differently. That reckless spending on toys you clearly don’t need, but oddly want.

The music you listen to. Holidays. Drinking. Friends. Lovers. The procrastination. The lack of will … all because you are too afraid of taking an honest look at yourself.

So what is wrong with me? What has been an band-aid and what has been genuine motivation?

I don’t think I can answer that here.

A talk with someone might though.

Its been a tough week. The stress is only mounting with the arrival of TET becoming imminent in my mind. Yet I still have to devote an hour to exercise. At least 15 minutes of reading. An hour and half to my business.

I got to maintain a discipline. A rigidity to the world’s chaos.

Without it, I’d be even in a worse state than I am now.

I got to stop this yo-yo effect though. I can’t just keep re-arming myself one week and then run dry on a second. That’s just poor discipline. Poor will.

I need to keep up the tempo. To dedicate myself to this structure without fail, pause or complaints.

Where my mind may falter, my will must not.

Consistency is key.

I got to watch my diet. Eating less should be an easier task, considering I have been very conscious about how much I eat nowadays.

This coming week, I shall be measuring myself for my weight again. Week 8 will be the All-Seeing Eye. It shall reveal whether my inconsistent regime has paid off, whether that extra 15 minutes has mattered or whether I have failed.

I’m nervous again.

If it turned out I gained weight ….

Its time to light a fire again and burn.

Burn, Burn and feel the Burn again.

~Damocles