Tag: mental-health

Disciplinary Action – Week 2 (14/7/25)

~ Ninjafang ~ Leave a comment

Weight: 86kgs

The worst part of all this, is the constant reprimanding. The inner voice in your head that tells you, that you are hungry. Then the stern voice that tells it to shut up and keep walking past.

It takes so much discipline to stick to a diet.

Worst than that though, is the despair when you realise that nothing has changed. Your weight hasn’t gone, and nothing seems to change.

So what is the harm in buying that TimTam you really crave? It’s a two for seven dollars deal. You can afford it!

What is the harm in just eating one a day? You can control yourself right? Just one a day! Just to keep you sane.

Shut the fuck up.

That’s the new mantra I’m trying to adopt now. Stop wasting money on snacks and stop eating junk food.

Look down at your belly and feel that shame. Then use that shitty shameful feeling to fuel your desire to move more.

It is so tempting to load snacks into my lunch bag and feed my stomach. I can literally feel the urge to eat start to consume my thoughts. But I’m taking the small steps. I can’t reach for that snack until I wait another half hour.

Then another half hour after that. And then …. instead of getting the snack, I’m just going to gulp down more water.

Drown the feeling. Ignore it.

Goddamn is it hard though. I’m struggling almost every day not to indulge. My stomach is tearing itself apart, trying to eat more, but I’m not acknowledging it. Instead I’m trying to make it smaller.

Just like how I felt today in the gym. For some reason, nothing was quite working. My motivation was down, my energy flagging but I pushed through anyway.

I’m already here. Just get on with it.

Some days, your motivation leaves you and suddenly your gym session becomes a test of character. Do you have what it takes to finish your set? Are you going to spend the rest of the time on your phone? Are you really going to justify your mere attendance to a gym is worthy of something?

I stared at the clock. I stared at myself in the mirror.

Then I leaned down and picked up my kettlebell and kept going.

Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to drop the number 86 down to 74. It doesn’t matter that you feel like shit today …. just go through the motions. Become a machine and remove the emotion out of this workout. You don’t need a new playlist, a check through Instagram or some motivational speech.

I just have to finish this goddamn set. I just need to lift the 12kg kettlebell above my head and keep it there.

One at a time. One move, one focus, one mission.

Today, I absolutely felt shitty. I didn’t have it in me.

But I finished my set, I finished my exercises and I stayed back another 10 minutes, bouncing balls of the wall, sharpening my reflexes … but due to lack of focus, half of that time was spent dropping them instead of catching them.

We all have days like this. Where motivation isn’t there. But like I told myself earlier …. there’s nothing to do, except get on with it. It doesn’t matter that you feel like crap …. just become a machine.

I really hope that next week’s DA will showcase at least a drop in kilograms. But I doubt it. Change, especially at my age, is slow and a behemoth.

It takes forever to change and an instant to fail to change.

This isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. It’s a true test to my character, my focus and my determination.

It’s about discipline.

Remember that Damocles. You need to remember that life is about being disciplined.

To keep your standards high doing the monotonous stuff. Life can’t be flashes of brilliance, because your brilliance only shines once in a comet flyby. So get good at doing the boring stuff.

Keep hitting that gym, no matter the feelings you have inside. Keep ignoring the snack section when you walk through Coles or Woolies. Don’t listen to that tiny annoying tempting voice.

Be firm and let’s see that strength translate back into some kind of athleticism.

You still haven’t found that true motivating factor …. some kind of purpose to tie all this sacrifice and pain for …. but shame will do for now.

Until the next defamatory disciplinary action (DA).

~ Damocles.

Disciplinary Action – Week 1 (7/7/25)

~ Ninjafang ~ Leave a comment

Weight: 86kgs

That dreaded number.

It means a whole lot of things: body dysmorphia, a feeling of being overweight, a view of an unsightly belly, the insecurity that comes with having something ugly, the constant looking down and sense of disappointment … and most crucially, the loud mental warning sign that screams at me …. “You’re unhealthy. Do something.”

But this number didn’t come about from just unhealthy eating habits. It comes from a lack of discipline in all aspects of my life.

I haven’t been sleeping well

I haven’t been getting ahead of the life admin that I need to do.

I haven’t been properly tracking all my budgets.

I’ve not been paying real attention to my partner and addressing the small and large issues between us.

I’ve been eating poorly, over-eating to compensate for stress and to find some kind of joy in food, because I can’t seem to find it anywhere else.

When I stepped on the scale a week ago … it said 87kgs.

It horrified me. It shook me to my core. I had been a stable 85 for months now, but now, it was getting out of control. My body was sluggish, unmotivated to move, my natural athleticism which I had been using as a crutch to cling onto some kind of “healthiness” was starting to fade slightly.

I can feel an ache here and there after I exercise, and my baseball swing, once so pure and smooth, felt stiff and clumsy.

I didn’t get fat because I was eating like a pig. I got fat, because I lost sight of what I’m doing, and why I am motivated to stick to a routine.

So it begs the question …. what am I doing all of this for?

Why do I wake up every day, why am I working at my job? What life am I trying to achieve that enables my work and my routine?

I don’t need the cookie-cutter answer of “do it for yourself, make yourself healthy!” That shit has never worked. All my life, whenever I told myself that, I simply lacked the motivation to continue. In fact, within 3 weeks, I would relapse and return to being a lazy, fat schmuck.

Self-improvement, to me is a lie.

Duty is everything.

If I have an external goal, the motivation will come. The discipline will be instilled. The body will move forward despite the wind hitting it. I will grit my teeth and overcome the obstacles in my way.

I will challenge any storm, if it means I have something I want to accomplish.

Previously, when it came to the B30 challenge, I was obsessed with racing. I played tennis every day, ran laps around a garden and threw myself into a punishing exercise regime and strict boring diet that help me become more lean. I was desperate to get down to 70kgs and be as lean as possible, so that I was hitting the minimum driver weight.

But that motivation has died, when I realised that I couldn’t afford to become a racer. My dream of turning my crappy little Corolla into a Rallycross car died out. I’m no longer as invested in racing as I used to be.

So what is fuelling my possessive desire at the moment?

It’s vanity.

I hate what I see in the mirror. My skin isn’t clear, my jawline is noticeably wider, my stomach protrudes out too much, my arms don’t look strong and there is a clear sign that I’m neglecting myself.

But this is just a temporary fix. Vanity isn’t going to make me commit to exercising and dieting every day. I need something more. What it is yet, I can’t seem to find it.

Nor am I going to find it at 2am in the morning.

So vanity has to do for now.

Vanity and the classic public shaming. The fear of being judged by everyone.

Those will just have to do until I find the real reason to keep pushing.

It’s time for weekly progress reports and learning to dread looking at the scale every Monday.

That damn, pink We Bare Bears electronic scale, where a panda with a goofy face, tells me that I’m overweight, ugly and lazy.

Life is just like that sometimes. When you’re faced with endless mockery, you just got to lace your boots up, glare back and out of spite, move, so that you can flip them off better from afar.

My end goal is 74kgs, which is where my body seems happiest and at its most lean, without sacrificing too much of my life and making my culinary journeys bland and boring.

That is a grand total of 12kgs to shed. Not an easy feat and I know that a lot of things need to change to achieve it.

Starting with proper sleep and a strict adherence to a minimum of 7 hours.

Fix those variables Damocles.

Sleep. Food. Exercise.

But most importantly don’t forget: Motivation.

Find it.

Talk to you at the next defamatory disciplinary action (DA).

~ Damocles.