Weight: 86kgs
That dreaded number.
It means a whole lot of things: body dysmorphia, a feeling of being overweight, a view of an unsightly belly, the insecurity that comes with having something ugly, the constant looking down and sense of disappointment … and most crucially, the loud mental warning sign that screams at me …. “You’re unhealthy. Do something.”
But this number didn’t come about from just unhealthy eating habits. It comes from a lack of discipline in all aspects of my life.
I haven’t been sleeping well
I haven’t been getting ahead of the life admin that I need to do.
I haven’t been properly tracking all my budgets.
I’ve not been paying real attention to my partner and addressing the small and large issues between us.
I’ve been eating poorly, over-eating to compensate for stress and to find some kind of joy in food, because I can’t seem to find it anywhere else.
When I stepped on the scale a week ago … it said 87kgs.
It horrified me. It shook me to my core. I had been a stable 85 for months now, but now, it was getting out of control. My body was sluggish, unmotivated to move, my natural athleticism which I had been using as a crutch to cling onto some kind of “healthiness” was starting to fade slightly.
I can feel an ache here and there after I exercise, and my baseball swing, once so pure and smooth, felt stiff and clumsy.
I didn’t get fat because I was eating like a pig. I got fat, because I lost sight of what I’m doing, and why I am motivated to stick to a routine.
So it begs the question …. what am I doing all of this for?
Why do I wake up every day, why am I working at my job? What life am I trying to achieve that enables my work and my routine?
I don’t need the cookie-cutter answer of “do it for yourself, make yourself healthy!” That shit has never worked. All my life, whenever I told myself that, I simply lacked the motivation to continue. In fact, within 3 weeks, I would relapse and return to being a lazy, fat schmuck.
Self-improvement, to me is a lie.
Duty is everything.
If I have an external goal, the motivation will come. The discipline will be instilled. The body will move forward despite the wind hitting it. I will grit my teeth and overcome the obstacles in my way.
I will challenge any storm, if it means I have something I want to accomplish.
Previously, when it came to the B30 challenge, I was obsessed with racing. I played tennis every day, ran laps around a garden and threw myself into a punishing exercise regime and strict boring diet that help me become more lean. I was desperate to get down to 70kgs and be as lean as possible, so that I was hitting the minimum driver weight.
But that motivation has died, when I realised that I couldn’t afford to become a racer. My dream of turning my crappy little Corolla into a Rallycross car died out. I’m no longer as invested in racing as I used to be.
So what is fuelling my possessive desire at the moment?
It’s vanity.
I hate what I see in the mirror. My skin isn’t clear, my jawline is noticeably wider, my stomach protrudes out too much, my arms don’t look strong and there is a clear sign that I’m neglecting myself.
But this is just a temporary fix. Vanity isn’t going to make me commit to exercising and dieting every day. I need something more. What it is yet, I can’t seem to find it.
Nor am I going to find it at 2am in the morning.
So vanity has to do for now.
Vanity and the classic public shaming. The fear of being judged by everyone.
Those will just have to do until I find the real reason to keep pushing.
It’s time for weekly progress reports and learning to dread looking at the scale every Monday.
That damn, pink We Bare Bears electronic scale, where a panda with a goofy face, tells me that I’m overweight, ugly and lazy.
Life is just like that sometimes. When you’re faced with endless mockery, you just got to lace your boots up, glare back and out of spite, move, so that you can flip them off better from afar.
My end goal is 74kgs, which is where my body seems happiest and at its most lean, without sacrificing too much of my life and making my culinary journeys bland and boring.
That is a grand total of 12kgs to shed. Not an easy feat and I know that a lot of things need to change to achieve it.
Starting with proper sleep and a strict adherence to a minimum of 7 hours.
Fix those variables Damocles.
Sleep. Food. Exercise.
But most importantly don’t forget: Motivation.
Find it.
Talk to you at the next defamatory disciplinary action (DA).
~ Damocles.
Damocles' Journal 