I’m writing this to the steady drumbeat of the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club iconic Beat the Devil’s Tattoo.
And it’s fuelling my internal desire to move again.
But the most important change to my desire to move, is the fact that I have genuine reasons to improve in the gym.
I’ve realised that the idea of a target when going to the gym is very important. A vague goal like “losing weight” isn’t good enough for me.
There needs to be a purpose behind every exercise I do.
Baseball has now become that purpose.
I’m going to try out for my local baseball team in March for the winter season.
To ensure that I make a good first impression, it’s time to start exercising at the gym to specifically target the exercises that make me a better baseball player.
Sprinting is now key, as well as building up my conditioning so that I don’t gas out by the midpoint of the game. After all, if I’m going to play in the outfield, I need to be agile, with a focus on running hard and fast and moving between the bases.
I’m now also focusing my efforts of getting stronger muscles, so that I can hit the ball harder, as well as focusing on my hips, to ensure that I’m getting good rotational movement. My arms need to be flexible as well, so that when I throw the ball long distances, it moves quickly and accurately.
There are so many things that I am excited to go to the gym about now.
It was like this when I was obsessed with tennis a few years ago. There is something about a bat/racquet and ball sport that fires me up. I love the repetitive nature of it all, how, no matter what you do, every single hit is a tiny bit different to the thousands you’ve done before.
But you keep trying, you keep making tiny adjustments so that one day, it’ll feel natural and smooth and you can control the outcome.
My weekly batting practice has now got me to a level where I know when I hit something, I can predict what it is going to do. I know how I need to arc my arms, when to follow-through and when to toss the bat and run like hell to first.
Even before I got into tennis, I was desperate to start racing professionally. This desire to trim down on all levels so that I was lighter in the car, resulted in one of the most dramatic weight losses I’ve ever undergone.
This is what I need to figure out to lose weight. I needed a specific target, a sole goal that everything leads into.
I’m still the same weight I was so many weeks ago, but this need to be lean and keen for my baseball try-outs is lighting the right kind of obsessive fire in me to succeed.
I’m ready to hit the gym and just give it my all so that I can be the best player and asset to the team I can be.
The last thing I want to hear is that I’ve let the other guys down because I refused to stay in shape.
That happened a while ago. But just because my birthday was a few weeks ago, it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take a moment to stop and reflect.
I’ve made 32 orbits around the Sun now. What am I appreciating now that I didn’t earlier?
Time takes everybody out, it’s undefeated.
Looking back when I was a lot younger, I’ve come to realise how silly I was for chasing thrills.
I used to wish my entire life was an action movie. I purposedly did things to make that a reality. Breaking and entering abandoned factories and homes, trying to enlist in the military … I was always chasing that next high, whether it’s trying out skateboarding, mountain-biking or even just dramatising my blog to make my personal struggles seem grander.
The folly of youth. A deep underappreciation for time.
Of course, a lot of circumstances back then made me think that I was doing OK for myself. I had a job, but it wasn’t challenging me and draining my energy. I thought I didn’t need much money or had to save a lot, because my focus was all on chasing the next action thrill. I spent my paychecks trying to be different … more interesting than the person next to me.
Now, having settled down in a proper job, where I work 9-5pm, where time feels shorter because of all the things I need to do, I appreciate the small moments a lot more.
I like having a night in. I like learning new things instead of chasing new highs. I don’t feel that urge to go out just because I think life is passing me by.
My life is controlled by me. I own what I do, what I need to prioritise and how I manage my time. Just because an event passed me by, doesn’t mean I’m missing out.
I appreciate the moment when everything goes quiet. I can laser focus in on one small task and get it done.
It’s why I’m obsessed with baseball now. It’s a sport that never used to excite me, but over the year, I’ve become a baseball addict. I can’t stop obsessing over the sport. I’m itching to play.
Almost every single week, you’ll see footage of me online, smashing balls off a tee.
Of course, I’m inspired by Shohei Ohtani. He’s arguably the greatest player in Major League Baseball history. The two-way player who is easily in the top 4 for both pitching and hitting. Only a few weeks ago, I witnessed his absolutely ridiculous performance, where he struck out 10 batters and then proceeded to smash 3 home runs in one game.
This is supposed to be a team sport. Ohtani single-handedly destroyed a MLB team on his own.
There was no way I wasn’t going to be inspired by a genuine unicorn. I missed seeing Jordan’s dominance. I never got to truly appreciate Tiger’s artistry. I ignored Brady’s achievements. I hated Hamilton’s effortless winning streaks.
But Ohtani was the guy who took me by the shoulders and told me to watch a sport I had no interest in.
Now, I’m all in.
I’m even considering joining my local baseball team …. an odd choice, especially when you look back at my sporting interests which have all been solo sports. Tennis, skateboarding, fencing, go-karting … not once have I been interested in joining a team sport.
Yet, here I am, strongly thinking about trying out properly for my local team.
So much has changed about me, when I think about it.
Nowadays, I’m a lot more conscious about how I spend my time, my money and my energy. It’s no doubt, a side-effect of getting older. I can’t do the typical 3am finishes and get up, raring to go at 8am anymore. Now, I can sense I’m eager for good sleep, focused on getting healthier and spending more time with my partner.
There’s also the mental maturity that is starting to creep in. I feel a bit more confident in knowing who I am and taking on feedback. But it’s a razor’s edge when it comes to sensitivity. When I was younger, I was so much more brash, cocky and arrogant. I could bulldoze my way through with superior confidence.
But now, I’m very aware of the other side effect of getting old. You start to get more sensitive, more aware that you’re mortal and that means you start to become more stubborn and resistant to change. You don’t realise it of course, until someone tells you that you’re starting to get offended by everything.
I do constant checks now. I don’t believe in not progressing, not changing and giving up. I’m still hyper-alert to how my actions and words can affect people and myself. I’m still scanning myself and trying to be as self-aware of my flaws, my strengths and my actions.
Because the last thing I want to be, is some curmudgeon who gripes about how much the world is changing, when in reality, he didn’t put in the work to keep up with the changes.
It’s why I’m glad I am able to keep a firm grasp on who I am, what I believe in and the values I promote while acknowledging that yes, it may be a bit old-fashioned, but I’m still open to new ideas, new ideals and new ways of respecting others.
I hope that I can keep this up. This ability to be a bit old-school, but adaptable. Because I think some things never die. Some values remain true no matter the age, the generation or the school of thinking. Things like a good polo shirt with chinos, the crack of a baseball bat slapping leather out to 120metres,
And I’ll hold onto those, but I won’t ever judge others for challenging them.
I think at my age, I’m doing OK. I could be healthier, slimmer, happier and more social, but I’m content, which is a very nice feeling to own.
I like knowing that I have things to work on.
And I hope that this continues … because being productive, being pleased about the small improvements in my life … makes me content.
This is going to be a berating post but it’s also a reflective one.
Obviously, I’m not pleased that a month on, from my start time, nothing has changed much.
But change isn’t something that happens overnight. I also need to stop trying to place huge expectations on myself. I kept thinking that by this week, I would have lost at least 1 kilogram. That I was going to get a dopamine hit that somehow justified all the personal struggles and sacrifices I’ve made.
That was a mistake. Thinking like that isn’t really that helpful nor contributing to personal growth.
So instead, I’m going to look at some positives this past month.
I’ve been moving more than I’ve ever have in the past 2 years.
I’ve been more consistent with hitting the gym at least 3x a week. I would ideally prefer it to be 5, but we’ll get there. Whilst at the moment, I’m clocking in around the 1 hour mark, I think I want to slowly increase it to 1.5 hours and throw in more exercises. I feel like I need to do more to make up for the lack of movement I do for 7 hours in the office.
It would also be a good idea, if I threw in more walking at the office. Maybe it doesn’t hurt to go for a quick walk around the office, a few laps, or explore the nearby park. I could also use the hill nearby ….
Food for thought.
I’ve slowly started to cut down my excessive eating. There is no denying that I love food, but I feel like I’m slowly starting to shrink my stomach. I don’t feel the need to eat as much and I’m cutting the bad sugars ever so slowly out. I’m also prioritising more protein in my meals, discarding carbs and making meals that make me feel like I’m eating cleaner.
What has helped me so much along this journey though, is my girlfriend. She’s been a stern voice, yet at the same time, a boost of encouragement. She will shake her head when I try to suggest something sugary and go on walks with me to get our steps count up on our dates and be that annoying, but much needed reminder to prioritise the gym.
It’s exactly what I need to build healthier habits.
Now, we almost always check the dietary information on the back of foods. If something has too much sugar or saturated fats in it, we put it away or limit the amount we consume a day.
We both suffer from body dysmorphia at the moment. We’re self-conscious about our bodies and weight, but we’re holding each other accountable. We are starting to walk more, eat less and just be conscious about our food.
It’s so different to my previous attempt at dieting, because this time, I know that I have someone with me, helping me along and monitoring my efforts. It’s a lot easier to stay on track, when your partner scolds you for eating too many M&Ms.
What is kind of encouraging is that my weight has actually moved after 7 weeks of hustling. I’ve managed to shed a single, solitary kilogram and that has been such a morale booster.
It means that all of this sacrifice, monitoring and pain has been for something.
It is now officially week 3 of this weight loss and nothing has changed.
Naturally I have fallen into a pit of despair and am now eating poorly again ….
This what I would have done 2 months ago. But instead I’m getting angrier.
Why the hell isn’t my weight going down?
This is a post of frustration more than anything else. What am I doing wrong?
I understand that losing your weight is hard in your 30s, but it shouldn’t be this difficult.
Where is the dip to show that something is working?
I have been hitting the gym for 4 days in a row. I am eating less.
But nothing has moved.
It’s time to shake things up. I don’t mean changing drastically anything I am doing, but I need to start collating more data on what isn’t working for me.
I need to start calorie counting. I also need to track my sleep, which I suspect 6 hours is simply not enough.
I like to think that my level of intensity and exercise is enough, but perhaps it’s also time to start using my standing desk more frequently, instead of just after lunch.
So, let’s work backwards, and start analysing what the hell I am doing and what I can do to improve things.
I typically get up at 0800 to prepare for work. The only issue with this is, my typical bed-time is 1.30am.
I need to fix this and get a solid 7 hours of sleep. Sleep is one of the most crucial factors in losing weight and I’m not taking it seriously at all.
From 0800 to 1200, I only eat one protein bar, which does a decent job at filling my stomach. I don’t drink coffee, tea or anything except a few chugs of water.
I think consuming more water will also helpwith my dieting. Coffee apparently would help also, however, I dislike the taste and am generally not keen on getting hooked on caffeine.
At midday, like clockwork, I typically prepare lunch. I think one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in the past, is loading too much rice or pasta in my lunches. They are unnecessary carbs that don’t do me any good. For the past two weeks, I’ve been trialling peri-peri chicken wraps, with plenty of greens and they make me feel noticeably lighter.
However, I feel like consuming two of these wraps is too much food, especially because my office work is so sedentary. I need to cut it down to one wrap and consider eating another protein bar at around 2.30pm.
After those wraps, I will eat 4x Hi-Chews, which is my small fix of sugar, before I try and cold turkey it, to 1830, where-upon I normally try to hit the gym for at least 1 hour, before heading home and eating my dinner at 2000.
Then from 2000 to 0100, I try not to eat anything or drink anything. Its nothing but water till I go to bed.
One of the extra things I’ve been trying to add in, is using my standing desk more after lunch. I feel like it helps not to sit down after lunch and properly digest.
Looking at my daily routine as a whole, it’s obvious what I need to fix now. But I still want to collate the data.
The 4 keys to weight loss has always been …. calorie deficit, good sleep, maximising protein and regular exercise.
I can sense that I’m not working on all four of those things. I’m not reducing my calorie intake in relation to the amount of exercise I do. I think one hour in the gym isn’t going to cut it. I feel like I need to do more.
This means I need to use my standing desk at least 3x a day, for a minimum of 3 hours in a day. A good number to aim for in terms of steps, is 7000 to 10,000. I need to stick to a strict regime of activating my standing desk more frequently and thus forcing me to actually take small steps to get to that daily step count.
The next biggest thing is reducing the number of wraps I eat and swapping it out for another protein bar. I think my morning protein bar at around 1030am is good. Lunch at 1200 and then another bar at 1500. I shall take photos of all my food and add them to a calorie tracker.
This also helps remind me to stand after I consume any food and regulate this habit in.
I also desperately need to fix my sleep. I need to aim for 0030 or 0100 latest. Even if its just crawling into bed and relaxing there, I think it’s better than sitting at my computer, playing games or typing away.
Reduce my screen time, thus create better sleep.
The final thing, maximising protein is the step I am least eager to take. I’m not very big into gym culture and can’t see myself huffing down protein powder.
That said, I need to do something to create some actual change in my weight, otherwise it’ll have been a month with no progress.
And I can’t think of anything more depressing than that.
Still, I’ve created this game plan. Eat, stand, move.
One of my favourite film directors is David Fincher.
His volume of work is impressive, even though lately, he has failed to recapture some of the more profitable success of his yesteryears.
If I had to pick out my favourite Fincher film, it would be: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011). It was my first real exposure to his style, work and overall artistic direction in which he crafts his films. It’s also, arguably one of his most complete and cohesive works.
However, I’m not here to talk about his films per se. I can wrap that up in an IMPACT series later.
No, what I’m here to talk about is … my own style and appreciation for aesthetics, that aligns with Fincher.
One of the more interesting questions I’ve been exploring, as I am on the verge of owning my own camera, a Sony ZV-E10 Mark II, is my own style.
What do I like? What do I appreciate? What moves me and grabs my attention? If asked to frame a photo, what would I do?
This led me down a rabbit hole discussion with my friends about how they see the world, if asked to create a still photo. For them, they try to evoke a feeling they felt when they take a photo. The subject itself isn’t as crucial as their ability to edit after. They want the shot, so that they can use certain filters and pre-sets onto the photo after and invoke a feeling.
I have a different approach. If asked, I would rather not edit my photo afterwards at all.
About 80% of that reason is laziness. I’m only just starting to understand photography a bit more, (all meaningless research, as I have yet to receive my camera, let alone play with the settings) and the idea of getting an Adobe subscription to Lightroom or Photoshop to spend more time editing a photo is tiresome to me.
The other 20% though, is because I would rather take the Fincher approach. Appreciate an image in its cold, still beauty.
In what seems like a tiny dip into the pond of creating images, I still recall fondly playing around on my PS4, with Gran Turismo Sport(2017) photo mode.
I would spend hours placing my favourite cars in various different settings, tweaking their position, their location in the frame and trying to achieve a sense of speed in a still photo.
But the one thing I never really played with was the filters. I hated the colour combinations. To me, an image is perfect when it reflects reality. I don’t like seeing reality in a different lens. It reminds me of why I hated the trend of certain films to stick to a colour palette throughout the film because they are trying to invoke an exotic location.
Think Extraction (2020) with its yellow hues across the entire film, because it’s set in India or whenever a place tries to film in Mexico, the effect is this yellow tone throughout the entire film, ala Spectre (2015).
This isn’t to say that Fincher doesn’t play with his colours. He is famous for his desaturated colour palettes. The greys, blues, black and muted greens are famously part of his style.
Everything in his films is almost lifeless. The camera moves with a robotic precision, removing that famous technique of “shaky-cam” where you know a real breathing human is holding the camera to capture the shot.
The colours in his films are tonally cold, showing you the viewer, a more clinical way at looking at the world. His actors undergo, gruelling numbers of takes, up to 70 or more, to remove what he describes the “earnestness” from their acting.
Even the music, by his longtime friends and collaborators, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (Nine Inch Nails -NIN) is haunting, metronomic and eerie because of their lack of central theme and almost slavish conviction to capture a moment in the film, not sum up the entirety of the film with a grand overture.
It’s a cold way at looking at the world. Cynical, almost bleak and yet … it’s arresting.
Because everything looks incredibly good in his film. I personally love the almost abstract clinical way in which he looks at his films and art.
Another excellent example of this, is the cinematography of the show Hannibal (2013) which invokes that same eerie, cold beautiful aesthetic. Of course, one of the central themes of that show is to showcase the beauty that can be found in horror, something that I think Fincher can definitely relate to, considering the subject matter of so many of his works.
Hannibal has that same unsettling factor as Fincher films. Whether you are looking at corpses, beautifully prepared food, murder, conversations at the dinner table or nervous breakdowns from Will Graham, it’s all shot in a very aesthetically pleasing way, to almost convince you that there is something elegant and beautiful about the macabre.
I suppose it’s that refined elegance that I want to capture in my style. It ties in with my interest in architecture, how I love the Art Deco period and its use of circles and straight lines to dramatise certain features like columns and windows. That movement stir a similar feeling in me when I look at Mid-Century-Modern use of lines, a fascinating way of scaling everything back to almost simplistic basic uses of everything, without frills or additional embellishments.
So, this then begs the question, if I am truly all about my realistic, trimmed back aesthetic, where I see everything is almost like a machine would, except this machine could appreciate beauty somehow, what kind of photos would I take?
To me, my photos would largely be almost subject-less, or a moment where a person feels a part of the greater landscape than the primary focus.
I’ll try and capture the mood with my descriptions of certain shots or atmosphere in films I particularly like.
In The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo(2011), David Fincher elects to go with a very muted, cold, almost blue aesthetic to the film. Everything is incredibly clinical. The shot of Rooney Mara’s Lisbeth Salander when you see her face for the first time, is in profile, side on, to showcase her mohawk, against a clear sky, in a mundane office setting.
It is striking, memorable and deliberate in how Fincher framed the film’s protagonist for the first time. Lisbeth doesn’t belong in this corporate setting, she’s deliberately sitting apart from her superiors on the other end of the table and there’s an alien nature to her that makes her both weirdly attractive and incredibly off-putting.
I love this film for its muted, almost too real aesthetic. I love the idea that if I walk out into reality, I might see this type of image right there. It’s that exciting feeling of being able to recreate or experience a movie shot, that I’ve seen before, that I really treasure. I like my films being shot so similar to how I view the world, to make my own world more exciting.
In the lead up to this moment, we are told “I prefer she works from home” and the looks she garners as she walks through the office, proves why.
F1 (2025) by the Joseph Kosinki is another example of a director whose style I’ve loved throughout every single film he’s done, from his breakout with Tron Legacy (2010), to his more underrated sci-fi thriller, Oblivion (2013), to his blockbuster Top Gun Maverick(2022).
F1, for all its faults (for which I have many), is a beautifully shot film. The cars look amazing, the shots of Pitt’s Sonny Hayes driving is incredibly immersive and the sound design is excellent. But my favourite scene by far, weren’t the F1 races.
As a guy who has volunteered as a track marshal for multiple Australian Grand Prixes now, I know how fast and also how incredibly boring F1 races are. The overtakes are minimal, the track action is dull beyond the first 5 laps and it becomes a parade really quickly.
But what I’ve always loved were the support races. I grew a whole new appreciation for the home-grown Supercars category, how fast, aggressive and angry they all are to each other. I became a massive fan of the Porsche Carrera Cup races, because they showcased the skill of every single driver and how it is possible to have good racing at Albert Park if everyone has equal machinery.
This love for the Porsche Carrera Cup, is exactly why I loved the 24hrs Daytona sequence at the very beginning of the film. When I saw the brake calipers light up, in the storm of fireworks, along the iconic cambered track of Daytona International Speedway, I knew that this film was cool. That shot of the brakes glowing red hot, is my favourite in the entire film, because it perfectly sums up what makes racing cool in my eyes.
Again, a shot, devoid of humans, but showcasing the beauty of small details that everyone misses in the grander scheme of things. That is the kind of shot I really love, getting in the granular details of things that would be underappreciated for their complexity and beauty. It reminds me so much of the chase camera that would be strapped to the side of the car, showcasing the intense revolutions of the tyres, along the speeding surface of the road in Miami Vice (1984).
Sonny Hayes’ Porsche 911 GT3 R (992) braking hard before a crucial turn, allowing the BMW to out-brake himself and sending him careening off track. The classic bait and switch in racing.
Skyfall (2012) is arguably the best-looking Bond film in the entire franchise. The cinematography of Roger Deakins is immaculate, and the sheer clarity of the images I was seeing on screen, from the greys of London’s skies to the dark nights of Shanghai really sold to me the theory, that I preferred seeing things through my own eyes.
My favourite sequence in the entire film, from a pure aesthetic standpoint, is the entire time that Bond is in Shanghai. The way how Deakins captures the inherent urban beauty of Shanghai is just perfect. I loved the way how he utilises the reflection motif throughout the entire scene, starting with Bond sitting at a bar, awaiting orders and intel on when his target, Patrice would arrive at the airport. This is then echoed later, when they have their climatic showdown in a room full of mirrors, a beautifully shot scene with their silhouettes masking which agent is which.
But it was the opening B-roll of Shanghai that initially grabbed my attention. It was such a different aesthetic to the film prior, because we went from the dusty streets and train action scene of Istanbul to the cold, tunnels of London and now thrust into the new glittery metropolis of Shanghai.
The way how crystal clear Deakins shoots the nightlife of Shanghai is what I really adore about the scenes. It’s so clear, without the odd additional filters (Instanbul’s dusty yellow, London’s greys). Its again, clinically showing us what Shanghai actually looks like.
It also showcases the unique angles that only films can achieve, by slowing zooming in to a rooftop hotel pool that only has Bond swimming in it. His existence is lonely, in a city of 25 million people, and there are echoes of what I call the Lost in Translation (2003) effect, where you can feel isolated despite being surrounded by people.
The way how Shanghai was filmed, has now piqued my interest in visiting the city. I fell in love with the reflections, the clean lines, the shimmering lights because of the way how Deakins faithfully adapts to the film how the city actually looks.
Bond awaiting orders from M, taking in a moment before his assignment kicks off. They say that to be a good spy, is to be the most patient person alive.
What about then, if I had to take photos of people? After all people are a vital part of any photographs.
Through silhouettes is my default preference.
Sicario (2015) has one of the greatest use of sunsets I have ever seen placed onto film. The way how Roger Deakins uses the natural lighting of the area and timing of the sunset to captures the moment the soldiers descend into the darkness of the ground is incredibly evocative.
My jaw dropped when I first saw this scene because of how cinematic it was. It was an incredible display of visual storytelling at its finest and really sold to me, how much I love seeing things in their raw format, because nothing quite beats seeing something clearly, especially when you capture a moment like this.
I love the featureless elements of silhouettes. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always loved seeing how my shadow moves in accordance with the sun, and much like everyone else, sometimes wondered if that shadow belonged to someone else, who just mimicking my movements.
It’s why certain images, like the iconic Mad Men (2007) silhouette promotional image, and shots like in Sicario feel more immersive to me, because I can just picture myself in that same moment. I like being able to pretend that it is me in that moment, walking towards the Mexican/American border, hunting for the cartel under the cover of night.
It also brings into light what I like about silhouettes … they are often candid shots. People doing something. I’ve always struggled with portraits and framing people in certain ways, because when they pose, there is an air of inauthenticity about the whole thing.
I can never get the arm positions to look natural, or to capture the smile just right. It’s inherently … false.
It also doesn’t help that my limited experience in photography stems from my course in photojournalism at university, where guerilla street photography is king, capturing candid moments almost like a paparazzi would.
Couple that with my events background, I’m definitely skewed towards candid photos. I love capturing raw moments but framed in such a way that offers context to why people are doing what they are doing and in a very clean, clear way.
In my mind, I can see the shots I want to take and often wish I could just take a photo with my eyes, because I see something worth capturing in the moment. Like when my girlfriend laughs a certain way, or when she is looking at something that puzzles her.
It’s those moments that feel real to me, and I don’t want to see a whole bunch of filters or other stuff that gets in the way and sully the rawness of the moment.
It’s why I can almost relate to Fincher’s insistence on doing so many takes. You want to remove the “poser” element out of the acting performance and get to the real essence. The actor has to disappear into the role in a sense so that everything they do, from breathing to the very words being spoken, are so natural that you forget an actor is there.
That sense of capturing a raw and real moment, through crystal clear cameras, is what I love about the cold beautiful aesthetics. Because there is a clinical appreciation for what is aesthetically attractive in front of you. It’s a strange marriage between art and science.
You’re trying to insert unfeeling precision into something that is inherently passionate.
Sicario (2015) – One of the coolest shots ever … a group of SOF operators descending into the ground, during a sunset.
Fincher once said in an interview, that “people are perverts”. It’s something that has stuck with me ever since. After all, there is always a sense of voyeurism about taking photos or creating films.
And people are social creatures. We love prying our noses into other people’s business and trying to work out why people do what they do.
Hell, even the basic question “How are you?” is inherently inquisitive. We always want updates on people we know, what they are up to, whether they have undergone any change.
Yet how we approach this “perversion” is everything.
At the end of the day, I like to treat it almost mechanically.
I know what moves me, and what I deem attractive. I’ve always had a very clear vision on this.
I think it’s important that I know what I appreciate as art and what I don’t. Because at the end of the day, if you can’t decide on whether something is attractive to you, then you can’t define what is unattractive.
It’s why I have a clear disdain for a lot of contemporary art. All of it is drivel to me. I have no interest in it. If I need a paragraph to explain something visual … then it’s failed to do it’s job.
I don’t need a written or oral speech on how a banana taped to a wall is indicative of something deeper.
It’s not. It’s a fucking banana taped to a wall, that has zero merit. It has zero artistic value to me, because I’ve never thought a banana as attractive, or tape on its own, nor a blank wall …. or the entire combination of the three.
This dismissive attitude then frees me up to look for something I do like. I can explore the why behind the things I do like. Whether that’d be a French Impressionist landscape or the way how my girlfriend’s lashes flutter on my chest, I can look deeper into those moments because I find they have value.
Photography is a way to express my appreciation for what I find attractive, just like it is for millions of photographers out there. But we all differ in how we capture aesthetics.
For me, part of my aesthetics is to capture what I see through my eyes. I’m not interested in “distorting” or “editing” the photos beyond what I see. It’s a very rational, deep appreciation for what I already view out there. It’s about capturing something in the moment, when everything is aligned …. subject, lighting, framing and mood.
I’m almost objectively trying to capture something aesthetically pleasing.
It’s a process that is mechanical, clinical and almost unfeeling, so that there can be no arguments that I tried to make something beautiful, more or less than it is.
You are almost forced to admit that what I capture is pleasing, because you know that I didn’t try to enhance the image in any way.
This is what I mean, when I try to describe my preference for cold, beautiful aesthetics.
It’s why I love the cinematography of Fincher films and those similar to him, like Joseph Kosinski or even Denis Villeneuve. They’re calculated and precise in how they frame images and present them. Their cameras move very smoothly, to remove the human element behind them. Very little is done to touch up the image itself. Their score is minimalist to enhance the mood of the scene, rather than distract.
Of course, there will always be a love for more bombastic styles. I appreciate the need for other techniques in other films and admire them as well. Daredevil’s use of a hallway oner, John William’s use of horns, Michael Bay’s iconic 360 sweep or the overacting of Nicolas Cage. The necessary inclusion to duel-wield Berettas in John Woo movies, the shaky-cam documentary style of Paul Greengrass, the dry, functional smoky aesthetics of Soderbergh films … the list goes on and on.
But I love seeing something so clear, that I can go out into Shanghai and experience that bar scene for myself.
Reality is already glamorous. You don’t need to touch it up more.
Instead, I just want to capture it in a raw a format as I can.
Candidly but with as much precision as I can muster in that moment.
Imagine taking a photo so perfect, that everyone who looks at it, is forced to admit …. it’s perfect.
That is the underlying philosophy behind cold beautiful aesthetics and why I love it.
The worst part of all this, is the constant reprimanding. The inner voice in your head that tells you, that you are hungry. Then the stern voice that tells it to shut up and keep walking past.
It takes so much discipline to stick to a diet.
Worst than that though, is the despair when you realise that nothing has changed. Your weight hasn’t gone, and nothing seems to change.
So what is the harm in buying that TimTam you really crave? It’s a two for seven dollars deal. You can afford it!
What is the harm in just eating one a day? You can control yourself right? Just one a day! Just to keep you sane.
Shut the fuck up.
That’s the new mantra I’m trying to adopt now. Stop wasting money on snacks and stop eating junk food.
Look down at your belly and feel that shame. Then use that shitty shameful feeling to fuel your desire to move more.
It is so tempting to load snacks into my lunch bag and feed my stomach. I can literally feel the urge to eat start to consume my thoughts. But I’m taking the small steps. I can’t reach for that snack until I wait another half hour.
Then another half hour after that. And then …. instead of getting the snack, I’m just going to gulp down more water.
Drown the feeling. Ignore it.
Goddamn is it hard though. I’m struggling almost every day not to indulge. My stomach is tearing itself apart, trying to eat more, but I’m not acknowledging it. Instead I’m trying to make it smaller.
Just like how I felt today in the gym. For some reason, nothing was quite working. My motivation was down, my energy flagging but I pushed through anyway.
I’m already here. Just get on with it.
Some days, your motivation leaves you and suddenly your gym session becomes a test of character. Do you have what it takes to finish your set? Are you going to spend the rest of the time on your phone? Are you really going to justify your mere attendance to a gym is worthy of something?
I stared at the clock. I stared at myself in the mirror.
Then I leaned down and picked up my kettlebell and kept going.
Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to drop the number 86 down to 74. It doesn’t matter that you feel like shit today …. just go through the motions. Become a machine and remove the emotion out of this workout. You don’t need a new playlist, a check through Instagram or some motivational speech.
I just have to finish this goddamn set. I just need to lift the 12kg kettlebell above my head and keep it there.
One at a time. One move, one focus, one mission.
Today, I absolutely felt shitty. I didn’t have it in me.
But I finished my set, I finished my exercises and I stayed back another 10 minutes, bouncing balls of the wall, sharpening my reflexes … but due to lack of focus, half of that time was spent dropping them instead of catching them.
We all have days like this. Where motivation isn’t there. But like I told myself earlier …. there’s nothing to do, except get on with it. It doesn’t matter that you feel like crap …. just become a machine.
I really hope that next week’s DA will showcase at least a drop in kilograms. But I doubt it. Change, especially at my age, is slow and a behemoth.
It takes forever to change and an instant to fail to change.
This isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. It’s a true test to my character, my focus and my determination.
It’s about discipline.
Remember that Damocles. You need to remember that life is about being disciplined.
To keep your standards high doing the monotonous stuff. Life can’t be flashes of brilliance, because your brilliance only shines once in a comet flyby. So get good at doing the boring stuff.
Keep hitting that gym, no matter the feelings you have inside. Keep ignoring the snack section when you walk through Coles or Woolies. Don’t listen to that tiny annoying tempting voice.
Be firm and let’s see that strength translate back into some kind of athleticism.
You still haven’t found that true motivating factor …. some kind of purpose to tie all this sacrifice and pain for …. but shame will do for now.
Until the next defamatory disciplinary action (DA).
It means a whole lot of things: body dysmorphia, a feeling of being overweight, a view of an unsightly belly, the insecurity that comes with having something ugly, the constant looking down and sense of disappointment … and most crucially, the loud mental warning sign that screams at me …. “You’re unhealthy. Do something.”
But this number didn’t come about from just unhealthy eating habits. It comes from a lack of discipline in all aspects of my life.
I haven’t been sleeping well
I haven’t been getting ahead of the life admin that I need to do.
I haven’t been properly tracking all my budgets.
I’ve not been paying real attention to my partner and addressing the small and large issues between us.
I’ve been eating poorly, over-eating to compensate for stress and to find some kind of joy in food, because I can’t seem to find it anywhere else.
When I stepped on the scale a week ago … it said 87kgs.
It horrified me. It shook me to my core. I had been a stable 85 for months now, but now, it was getting out of control. My body was sluggish, unmotivated to move, my natural athleticism which I had been using as a crutch to cling onto some kind of “healthiness” was starting to fade slightly.
I can feel an ache here and there after I exercise, and my baseball swing, once so pure and smooth, felt stiff and clumsy.
I didn’t get fat because I was eating like a pig. I got fat, because I lost sight of what I’m doing, and why I am motivated to stick to a routine.
So it begs the question …. what am I doing all of this for?
Why do I wake up every day, why am I working at my job? What life am I trying to achieve that enables my work and my routine?
I don’t need the cookie-cutter answer of “do it for yourself, make yourself healthy!” That shit has never worked. All my life, whenever I told myself that, I simply lacked the motivation to continue. In fact, within 3 weeks, I would relapse and return to being a lazy, fat schmuck.
Self-improvement, to me is a lie.
Duty is everything.
If I have an external goal, the motivation will come. The discipline will be instilled. The body will move forward despite the wind hitting it. I will grit my teeth and overcome the obstacles in my way.
I will challenge any storm, if it means I have something I want to accomplish.
Previously, when it came to the B30 challenge, I was obsessed with racing. I played tennis every day, ran laps around a garden and threw myself into a punishing exercise regime and strict boring diet that help me become more lean. I was desperate to get down to 70kgs and be as lean as possible, so that I was hitting the minimum driver weight.
But that motivation has died, when I realised that I couldn’t afford to become a racer. My dream of turning my crappy little Corolla into a Rallycross car died out. I’m no longer as invested in racing as I used to be.
So what is fuelling my possessive desire at the moment?
It’s vanity.
I hate what I see in the mirror. My skin isn’t clear, my jawline is noticeably wider, my stomach protrudes out too much, my arms don’t look strong and there is a clear sign that I’m neglecting myself.
But this is just a temporary fix. Vanity isn’t going to make me commit to exercising and dieting every day. I need something more. What it is yet, I can’t seem to find it.
Nor am I going to find it at 2am in the morning.
So vanity has to do for now.
Vanity and the classic public shaming. The fear of being judged by everyone.
Those will just have to do until I find the real reason to keep pushing.
It’s time for weekly progress reports and learning to dread looking at the scale every Monday.
That damn, pink We Bare Bears electronic scale, where a panda with a goofy face, tells me that I’m overweight, ugly and lazy.
Life is just like that sometimes. When you’re faced with endless mockery, you just got to lace your boots up, glare back and out of spite, move, so that you can flip them off better from afar.
My end goal is 74kgs, which is where my body seems happiest and at its most lean, without sacrificing too much of my life and making my culinary journeys bland and boring.
That is a grand total of 12kgs to shed. Not an easy feat and I know that a lot of things need to change to achieve it.
Starting with proper sleep and a strict adherence to a minimum of 7 hours.
Fix those variables Damocles.
Sleep. Food. Exercise.
But most importantly don’t forget: Motivation.
Find it.
Talk to you at the next defamatory disciplinary action (DA).
When I think about movie stars, I always think about the movie Ocean’s 11.
It’s one of the coolest, the slickest and effortless remakes ever made. Starring George Clooney and Brad Pitt at the height of their power, and career, this was a movie that my mother introduced me to when I was young.
The duality of Brad and George … one flashy, the other demure, was impeccable, yet like the concept of ying and yang, they completed each other. The suits, the setting, the heist crew around them …. even the dialogue was all effortlessly cool. They finished each other sentences like a married couple, knew what to say, when to say it and had a rapport that could only be established by years of friendship and challenging circumstances.
Now, it’s only Brad Pitt who continues to ooze on-screen charisma. George Clooney has faded away into happy marital bliss that can only be accompanied by a villa on Lake Como.
It only occurred to me recently, when I was watching the latest F1 movie trailer, that in my eyes, Brad Pitt was still cool.
At the advanced age of 61, he is still oozing charisma. So much so that despite having a younger co-star in Damson Idris, I felt Pitt’s screen presence far more than anyone else in that trailer.
Which led me to the question about what is charisma and how does a man maintain it?
I mentioned martial bliss earlier because ever since Clooney got married, he has slowly receded away from the film world. He is busy being a humanitarian, a father and a husband.
Pitt though, after his very messy split with Angelina Jolie, has found a resurgence in his career. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Bullet Train, and now F1, are all very successful movies that seems to tap into this never-ending appeal behind the man.
As controversial as this sounds, I sometimes wonder if having a partner is what causes men to lose their charisma.
The age-old adage about athletes losing performance once they get married or have children seems to be vaguely true. I think about one of my tennis idols, Rafael Nadal, who only recently had a child with his wife, after he was on the verge of quitting the sport. Did he put things off, to avoid this myth?
I look at a similar movie star, arguably the last of his kind, Tom Cruise. He has never married since his divorce with Katie Holmes, and has had an incredible run of movies since then. Edge of Tomorrow, Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation, Fallout, Top Gun Maverick … these are all blockbusters that speak to Cruise’s screen presence. You only had to watch Top Gun Maverick once, to still think that Cruise rocking a jumpsuit and Ray Bans Aviators was cool.
Much cooler than all the young stars in that film, who despite having better bodies, flashier looks, pale in comparison to the ethereal aura around Cruise.
To add onto my argument, there is always that old saying that the partners themselves say wistfully: You’re not the same guy that I fell in love with.
I’ve heard that recently and I also wondered what happened. My life before my girlfriend was one of endless pursuits. I was buying new clothes with reckless abandon. I was rigorous in my exercise, constantly playing tennis no matter the circumstances. My diet was strict, and I was writing with crazy zeal, trying to stave away my boredom in my retail job with wild stories and personal reflection.
In other words, I could just focus on myself and work constantly at improving every single bit of my life.
I felt like my charisma was at its peak back then. It had to be, otherwise there was no way in hell I was going to impress my girlfriend.
So, what is it then that caused me to lose some of my charisma?
I definitely don’t blame my girlfriend. What I do blame is the poor time management.
Because for every example I put up there, about these “single” men living their best lives, there are also extremely magnetic male examples who are happily married. I think about someone like Samuel L Jackson, Denzel Washington and to offer up a tennis example, Roger Federer.
These men have been married longer than I’ve been in my relationship and are highly successful and possess just as much aura.
This is why I look at my time management as the real problem. My girlfriend isn’t controlling me, she isn’t hanging onto everything I do, every hour of the day. It’s what I choose to do with my time that is the problem.
I can still restrict my diet. I can still look at new clothes, enjoy tennis and be as interesting as I was, before I met her.
I just got lazy.
That’s the real problem. Complacency.
It’s a common issue amongst all couples. You stop trying. You stop trying to be their best friend, the best version of you because you think that just because you got a life together, it means that you can just sit back on your laurels and relax.
And by the time you realise that you’ve been lazy …. either you’ve lost interest in keeping the relationship alive, or the other side has.
This is why lately, I’ve been trying to carve more time for myself. I need a day where I can just focus on myself without any distractions. This allows me to plan forwards, get ahead of whatever life has in store and beat it to the punch before it hits me.
And it seems to be working.
I got more energy to write. I’m more focused on exercising. I feel more in control of what my life is about.
All of this is feeding my confidence and thus making me more charismatic.
At the end of the day, charisma I think comes in many different shapes and forms, depending on the person you are. When your needs are met, when you feel like you are in control of all the variables …. your confidence will soar and thus your aura.
I believe that deep down, charisma is derived from confidence and your interests. If you are good at what you do and aren’t afraid of what life can throw at you, that you can take a punch and keep moving, that you can laugh at yourself … you’re going to be the most charismatic person in your circle.
And that is what you’ll be attractive, no matter what you look like.
Police are urging those with dashcam or CCTV footage to come forward.
It’s different when you read those words and realise that it’s referring to the street you live on.
It hits even harder when you realise that the victim could have been you. A guy who was sent to the hospital with multiple stab wounds, just because he refused to give up his phone.
The 32-year-old was walking home from work when a car started following him.
As a guy who regularly walks around his neighbourhood at any random hour and is nearly 32 … it hit me just how this could have been me. This attack wasn’t premeditated or planned. This was random.
Whilst I would argue that I would have better sense to run away, or realise something is wrong when a car is following me, it’s still terrifying to know that this could happen to me.
In a way, learning about this incident made me feel justified in learning Krav Maga. But like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it’s also made me extra paranoid.
My neighbourhood is very safe. Having lived over 10 years here, I’ve always felt like I could go outside for a walk and not worry about anything. Everything is well-lit, people are friendly, dogs are being walked everywhere … I’ve never not felt safe.
But I didn’t grow up idolising spies for nothing. My head has always been on a swivel no matter where I am. My girlfriend has complained that I am always scanning my surroundings when we are walking, that whilst the habit has lessened with her, it is still an ingrained habit to check where the fire escapes are when I enter a new restaurant.
Taking in the moment, is the same as taking in the environment I find myself in.
The stabbing of the random man, was a sobering moment for me. It meant that I had to be extra cautious when I walked outside, that the moment I opened the gates and hopped into my car, I could face trouble.
That particular incident happened 5 weeks ago.
Only recently I learned two things.
My brother’s car window was smashed
And my car experienced an attempted robbery.
Someone came up to my car and gave it a good tug, checking whether it was locked or not. It was my mother who caught him mid-tug, and wondered what he was doing before he subsequently ran away.
Worse still, was my poor brother, whose right rear window was completely shattered. We exchanged theories on who it could be, what could have happened, but fortunately, aside from the annoyance of replacing the window, luckily in both cases, nothing was stolen.
But the ease had set in. My mind was now extra alert, extra paranoid and mulling violent thoughts.
I like to think I know my capacities pretty well.
I wanted to learn Krav Maga because it has every dirty trick in the book.
But even before I took lessons, I was already a dirty fighter.
I knew that if I ever got into a fist fight, I was going straight for my torch, blinding my opponent with the beam, before smashing their jaw with the hard edge of the torch and sprinting as fast as I can in the opposite direction before they can even register what happened to them.
Because when you’re alone and potentially outnumbered …. you hit as hard as you can and you run.
People hate cardio.
My job is to make sure I hate it a bit less than they do, so I survive another night.
This is the problem when something violent happens on your front doorstep. You start coming up with insane violent thoughts to process, to wonder and to brace yourself. Because you know deep down, once violence turns up, it never stops until someone is dead at your feet.
Violence can only be met with superior violence. It’s no good cutting a man’s arm off. He’ll still try to stab you with the other hand. You need to behead him to properly end everything.
That is the one thing I’ve noticed in watching so much police body camera footage.
You de-escalate whenever you can. You talk, plead, then shout and finally command.
But if they ignore everything, you draw your gun and you end the threat.
I don’t know what type of threat is out there, but it’s in my neighbourhood now. I can hear angry shouts that can only come from substance abuse. A man, my age, was stabbed. My brother’s car was smashed into, and a stranger tried to break into my car. A man once walked into my home, and tried to open the door. Last year, my friend’s car was broken into and he lost valuables.
It would be foolish of me to assume that everything is rosy in my area.
I need to stay vigilant and wary.
To answer my question ….
Do YOU feel safe?
No, I definitely do not.
If anything, and this is a mixed feeling, I feel almost vindicated in how paranoid I’ve been all these years. Vindicated but also saddened that I was right. Call me a cynic, but you can’t trust people. I’ve watched and seen too much law enforcement and military footage to believe anything else.
People are unpredictable, and with how the local judgement has been on crime lately, it’s not surprising to see that crime has risen.
But at the same time, I understand that desperation. Cost-of-living has shot up and that means the number of people who are now desperate has gone up too. A car is an easy target to get quick valuables.
Yet, that only proves my theory about the unpredictable nature of humanity.
In the end, to survive in this world, you need to keep your enemies at bay, by having a strong community around you. People you trust, people who will have your back in desperate times and most importantly friends and family that you can lean on for help.
No man is an island. It takes a village to keep the marauders away.
And I can definitely sense them lurking around in my neighbourhood.
Whilst it may be exhausting to be vigilant all the time, it’s a whole lot better than the alternative.
Life is already tough.
Let’s not make being a crime statistic a part of it.
Eyes on a swivel and make sure you know how to run real damn fast.
2024 is on my personal record as the most difficult and maturing 365 days I have ever experienced.
When I look back at the year, it’s hard to see past the 6 months of unemployment that dominated the landscape of my life. For months, I was stuck in this hellhole that I couldn’t climb out.
And no matter how many life-lines my partner threw at me, how many ropes that dangled just out of reach, I couldn’t seem to grasp it and pull myself out.
It all started when I realised that the new job I found in late-2023 wasn’t going anywhere. Events Team Leader at a Gelato store. The title spoke for itself. I wasn’t even deemed “manager” material. I thought that it was going to be exciting, fun and the ideal job for me.
My fantasy was that I was going to run big activations, work on exciting events and plan ahead for attending the Australian Open or Formula 1 with my well-known ice-cream brand.
Instead, I was hit with drudgery. Endless late-night finishes, that took me all around Victoria, attending weddings, conferences and random activations in office buildings. Always reacting and never getting a moment to plan ahead. But when there was a moment to plan ahead, the head office didn’t want me to do anything.
This resulted in a lot of free time and my age-old problem with my working career reared itself up again.
I felt like a sword slowly rusting away in a dirty scabbard. While yes, when I was juggling two casual jobs at once, I felt a sword being used by an amateur, at least I was pulled out of the scabbard.
But at this ice-cream store, there was literally nothing to do. Head office wasn’t going to promote me anytime soon, nor did they want to expand the scope and operations in Melbourne, especially when they were juggling expansion ideas in Sydney and other states. So, there was nothing for me to do at the warehouse, except sit there, waiting for events to come to me, where I would finish the admin aspect literally in 20 minutes.
With that lack of work to do, I started to slip. I started working from home against their wishes, even though there was nothing for me to do at the warehouse, except random odd jobs here and there. Then when they reprimanded me for this, I would turn up to work late, unmotivated and bored out of my mind. I was being given full-time hours, with nothing to do.
I started rebelling even more, clocking in at work, but immediately leaving to work my casual job at Fed Square instead. I nicknamed it the double shift, because whilst I was meant to be at the Gelato store, I instead was working elsewhere.
When I complained to my girlfriend about the situation, she and I agreed that it was time to leave. I was determined to finish my Project Management course that I had started during this dull stint at the ice-cream store, but it was now time to get the hell of here.
So, I started job-hunting. From March 2024, my life became all about the exit strategy. I was determined to get out, whilst finishing my Project Management course, because I knew that there were serious gaps in my resume.
Every week, I applied for job after job with the help of my girlfriend. Our chats, once filled with banter, now became inundated with job applications. I wasn’t taking too seriously at first, but when the rejections began to pile up, I started to wise up fast. Nothing was biting.
Then during winter, work dried up even more at Messina. I could see the writing on the wall. I was being used in store as a extra pair of hands, and the new operations manager had it in for me. Apparently I complained too much about not having enough to do, that I was unwilling to travel to Sydney frequently and my random absences were not appreciated.
The hammer landed on me in July. In total, I worked there for 10 months before they decided to make me redundant. I was cut off in less than 3 days. No real warning, just an intimidating phone call from one of the 4 partners and the refusal to let me continue to work, despite me cleaning up my act for the past 4 weeks learning at a store.
They cast me aside as quickly as they hired me.
From making a decent, but small sum every week, to now living off my casual job at Fed Square, where I truly did not get that many shifts.
The job hunt became an obsession. Every week, I applied for 20+ jobs, constantly changing my CV to make it better, tweaking my cover letters, filling out form after form of the same questions.
In total, I applied for 397 jobs over the course of 6 months.
I got 8 job interviews.
That is a 2% chance.
Then you need to factor in the fact that I may have landed the interview, but I was now competing with a dozen more candidates, who all did better than me and landed the job I wanted.
I came runner-up twice.
I would bitterly label those occasions the age-old racing adage …. coming second is the first loser across the line.
And I truly did feel like a loser. My relationship was now extremely rocky. We kept fighting each other, snapping at random moments and there was this awful tension on our minds that refused to go away. For my poor girlfriend, her anxiety shot through the roof. The stress was at an all time high for her. She was stuck in a position where her life dream of owning a property was in serious jeopardy because of my unemployment.
I couldn’t afford to look at the big picture like that. Instead, all I could do, was focus on the next job application at hand. Every week, I checked Seek, LinkedIn, Victorian Government job ads for something new. Something full-time and permanent.
I pored over my resume, inspecting every word, twisting sentences so that they sounded more grander and impressive. The cover letter must have gone through 19 different versions and soon I was able to tailor them for specific roles by having so many templates available, that I could transform at a moment’s notice.
I kept my focus on the granular, because I knew that there was only one path out of this hellhole I found myself in.
My girlfriend though, couldn’t stop stressing about the larger picture. So we kept on fighting, making up, and then running through the cycle again.
But this cycle was soon broken. Not by me landing a job, but by me really analysing why she was so worried, and what I could do to help.
In all honesty, there was nothing I could do truly relieve the stress until I landed the job.
She knew that.
I knew that.
But my conflict resolution skills with her grew exponentially. I learned to control my temper, to stay focused on the topic at hand and really take the emotional hits when she lashed out. Never once, did I get so angry that I lost control of my temper nor voice.
Instead, I would fall silent, and focus on my breathing as I sorted through all my feelings. My girlfriend could really see through me and knew what to say, even though it hurt like hell.
However, I knew all of this was coming from a good place. She cared about me so much, that she wanted me to be the man I always wanted to be. Our vision for who I should be was a shared one and she was determined to help me there, whether it was with a carrot or a stick.
My stubbornness and difficult attitude meant that she had to wield the stick more often than not.
But finally, in December, I beat the shitty odds.
I survived three rounds of interviews to finally land a job at Guide Dogs Victoria, as their event manager.
The elation I felt was soon tempered by the fact that I made the mistake of taking on a full-time role at Fed Square when the job opened up.
But both managers were understanding. I was able to leave the Fed Square role and drop back to being a casual within two weeks.
So that meant that for a week … for five days in a row, I worked double. I did my 9-5 stint at Guide Dogs, learning and getting inducted, then headed straight over to Fed Square where I would work from 5-2am.
That week, where I was worked to the bone … summed up 2024 to me. Yes I had some good fortune in landing the job, but my personal concept of “life equilibrium” soon kicked in and made sure I got an ass-kicking before I could enjoy the new job.
For every single positive moment I had in 2024, it was automatically balanced with a negative one.
Equilibrium.
Gone are the days where my luck would hold out and I could coast along in life without a care in world.
Now, I’m subjected to the same rules of this world as everyone else is.
But this is a blessing not a curse. I feel more confident in my abilities to handle shit situations, more in control of my emotions and less ruled by the whims of Lady Luck. Now my hard work creates all the luck I need.
Looking back at all the photos I took this year ….I’m glad to say that I did a lot more than I expected.
Together, my girl and I:
Travelled to Sydney together for the first time and did all the normal tourist stuff that people should do more often
Explored regional Victoria a lot more than I thought, Daylesford, Mornington, Sorrento and Lorne.
Went to our first Australian Open Charity match and saw Carlos Alcaraz in action.
Celebrated a memorable Scuderia Ferrari 1-2 win at the Australian Formula 1 Grand Prix
Attended our first friend’s wedding together
Heralded in a Lunar New Year at a Buddhist temple for the first time
Caught a Taylor Swift concert when she came here to Melbourne
Experienced a Tosca opera for the first time
Tried a ice-skating date for what is sure to be the first and last time
Went on multiple double dates, including seeing an Ancient Egyptian exhibit
Climbed a mountain together on a small hike
Saw Coldplay
Was captivated by the Beauty and the Beast musical
Learned a lot more about each other and how we think
Knowing how to resolve conflicts between us
As for myself ….
I prioritised seeing my friends more, hosting BBQs more frequently so that all my boys can catch up more regularly
This includes more frequent games of cricket and physical activity to ensure we all stay sharp and fit
I managed to complete my project management course
I had the pleasure of seeing my favourite driver, Charles Leclerc win multiple iconic races at Monza and Monaco
I have found a new passion for the sport of baseball, thanks to watching highlights of Shohei Ohtani go on his record breaking season
Seeing the LA Dodgers win the World Series and especially seeing the moment when Freddie Freeman smashed a Walk-off Grand Slam in Game 1 of the World Series against the New York Yankees
Realising that working at Guide Dogs helps me appreciate the luck I had, being born with good vision
Going into work every day knowing that I’m working for a place that makes a difference
Getting used to seeing Labradors in the office regularly and enjoying their company
Getting proficient at using Excel to plan itineraries and starting my new financial journey
2024 had it’s moments, despite the awfulness that dominated the landscape. Overall, it was a difficult and challenging year, it’s overall negative vibe overshadowing a lot of shallow fun moments.
The main thing I learned last year was control. That was the main theme. 2024 was all about control. Knowing what I can change, adjust and work on, and what I can’t.
Even if things were out of control, make small steps so that I can begin to affect the outcome in a more positive manner.
It’s about seeing the big picture, then isolating a corner and starting small, so that eventually the entire painting is complete.
I know that I’ve gotten really good at breaking everything down into granular steps, into tangible motions that will let me steer the big ship. I can zoom in, whilst still seeing the bigger picture.
It’s why nowadays, I can finance better. I’ve taken control of my spending habits and religiously track every dollar that comes out. I’ve wrestled control of an direction-less project at my new job. I’ve begun to regularly exercise and settle into a routine.
Life is better when I got my hands on the steering wheel and I’m exercising restraint.
Without the chaos of 2024, I doubt I would have the mentality that I do now, nor would I have the closeness with my beautiful girlfriend.
The past year tested me, challenged me and grew me into a better man.
I don’t know what 2025 has in store for me, but I know that I got to be in control and appreciate the small things. Life has always been a marathon, and I need to embrace that.
To end this reflection, I would like to reference a movie.
What we do in life, echoes in eternity.
In my case however, it’s very much
What you do now, will help in the future
This is why I keep a frame copy of the horrible excel sheet that has 397 job applications nearby.
It’s a sobering reminder than no matter how good, how valuable and how talented you think you are … no-one cares, unless you can transform yourself to meet the standards today.
That is the only way I ended up beating the 2% odds.
Damocles' Journal 