Door to Rear Door (Screenplay)

48 Hour Film Project Prompts:

Genre: Comedy / Road Movie

Character: Rob or Rhonda Ward, Door to Door Salesperson

Prop: Snow Globe

Line: It could be anything.

Writing Time: 125 minutes

EXT. MELBOURNE SUBURBAN HOUSE

ROB and RHONDA WARD are walking down the footpath of a typical middle-class Melburnian home, their matching uniforms slightly wrinkled from overuse and dejected expressions on their faces.

They are not having a lot of luck in their job, and Rob, a young overjealous type, has the remnants of a snow globe in his hair. Glass, liquid and a tiny Santa figurine are smeared all over his neck and upper body.

Rhonda, the more logical and street smart of the two, only has a little bit of snow globe liquid on her shirt. She was able to dodged the incoming projectile and is currently furiously brushing bits of debris off the pamphlets they are suppose to be selling.

ROB

I can’t believe, she threw that at me.

RHONDA

You implied she was fat. You’re lucky she didn’t throw anything else at your dumb ass.

ROB

What? It could be anything! I didn’t say anything about her physical appearance! All I said was …

RHONDA

(mimicking Rob’s voice) We also have a weight loss program here at Boomco! I can sign you up if you are keen to get back into shape!

ROB

Oh right. Yeah.

RHONDA

(rolls her eyes) Dumbass. We WERE so close too! She was so keen to sign up. Fuck! Come on Rob, we were this close to getting her sign the contract. She was the perfect mark. Lonely, overweight, probably addicted to gambling and her shitty sex toys.

ROB

What?! Where are you getting these assumptions from? How do you know she has shitty sex toys?

RHONDA

Come on, genius. It’s not hard to figure out people like her. Look at this shithole we’re in. Does it look like she can afford something good?

ROB

You don’t know that! You’re making a lot of assumptions here Rhonda. She might actually only enjoy the good stuff, that’s why she doesn’t look after herself. Like she might own a hitachi or one of those sex dolls.

Rhonda stops at their car and opens the door to their company car. She looks across at Rob incredulously.

RHONDA

We just lost a chance at making 2 grand and you’re here defending her potential in owning a hitachi!?

ROB

Look, all I’m saying, is that you made some bold assumptions because you’re mad and you might be projecting a bit, that’s all.

RHONDA

Excuse me? PROJECTING?!? I own …. Wait, why am I even disclosing this sort of shit to you?! Fuck you Rob. Just get in the fucking car, I’m not having this dumb ass conversation with you, in front of one of our failed, fat fuck clients.

Rob makes for the passenger side door, but Rhonda gestures furiously at him.

RHONDA

Oh come on Rob, you’re not getting snow globe gloop and glass all over the inside of the car. Clean yourself off first man! Use the towel at the back.

Rob sighs and holds his hands in a placating manner. Grabbing the company towel at the back, he begins to wipe himself outside, as Rhonda fumes silently inside the car, exhaling and inhaling furiously.

ROB

Ah fuck! Jesus, how much glass is in my shirt! Ow! Shit! Fucking Santa!

Throwing Santa back at the house they had just left, Rob clambers back in the car furiously toweling his head in a vain attempt to get dry.

Rhonda looks across at her partner in resignation and a hint of disdain.

RHONDA

Man, we’re such a fucking mess. Let’s get out of this area and try another spot.

ROB

Nah, let me make it up to you Rhonda. I promise! Let’s just try the next street. We can get more than one client today! We can’t just give up this area. Who knows, the next fat, lonely broad might actually be keen to sign up for the fitness program.

RHONDA

Oh for fuck’s sake. Didn’t you learn anything? Don’t mention women’s weight to them man! God, why am I stuck with such a dumbass for a partner?

ROB

Aww come on Rhonda, don’t be like that. I promise, the next one is going to go smooth. You can’t do this without me, remember? I’m the charm, you’re the …

Rhonda shakes her head, eye-rolling hard at Rob’s enthusiasm and antics.

ROB

Come on, say it with me! I’m the charm, you’re the ….

RHONDA

(tiredly) muscle.

ROB

Yeah!

RHONDA

You need to work on that charm then, dumb-ass. Unless that’s how you score girls, with snow globe crap on your shoulders and an igloo earring.

ROB

What? Oh come on! You gotta tell me these things sooner Rhonda!

Rhonda laughs mockingly as Rob opens the window and toss the offending tiny house out onto the road.

ROB

Come on, let’s focus and try this street. Park here!

RHONDA

(scoffing) Oh so now you’re serious?

ROB

(pointing at himself) See this? This is my serious face. I fucked up earlier, but now I’m ready. Come on Rhonda. Let’s get it. Give me the clipboard.

Rhonda starts laughing, until she realises that he is actually serious. Cut-off mid laugh and puzzled, she climbs out of the car and follow him up the driveway of another house, that is only slightly better maintained than the previous home.

Hanging back slightly, Rhonda waits for Rob to initiate.

ROB

(knocking) Hello! Is anyone home?

A woman answers. She has the same hallmarks of the previous customer. Her eyes light up seeing Rob.

WOMAN

Just me, darling.

ROB

Hi! My name is Rob from Boomco! This is my partner Rhonda! We’ve come here today with a proposition.

WOMAN

Oh I bet you have. You’re bit early, but that’s no problem for me.

ROB

I know it’s early in the morning ma’am, but I am here to provide you a service. If you could just give me 5 minutes of your time …

WOMAN

Come in darling. I’m ready for you right now. Come in and fix my plumbing. I have to use this escort service more!

ROB

Wait … what?

The Woman grabs Rob and drags him in. Rhonda starts laughing uproariously.

Seconds later, Rob is running out, and waving his arms at Rhonda.

ROB

Go! Go! Run for the car!

Rhonda casually strolls back to the car, whilst Rob is desperately trying to do up his shirt. He stumble back into the car and looks at his partner aghast.

ROB

Fuck! She thought I was the male escort she ordered!

RHONDA

(laughing as she drives) Want to get out of this area now?

ROB

(Patting himself down in a panic)Yes! Oh God yes. She came at me with her own fucking dildo, man! I’m done. No more fat, lonely women. Fuck!

RHONDA

(smirking) So you still think my assumptions are projections?

ROB

(calming down, and pausing for a beat) I mean … a bit.

RHONDA

What the fuck? After all that … a snow globe and being attacked by a dildo and you still think I’m projecting?

ROB

Look Rhonda, I don’t think my two bad experiences get you off the hook OK? Like, I think there are still some unresolved issues here. So let’s not kid ourselves here.

RHONDA

Wow. Just fucking wow. You are so unbelievable.

ROB

I’m just saying … You should look into yourself a bit more.

RHONDA

(Shaking her head and looking out at the road) I fucking hate this job ….

ROB

Be careful Rhonda, any more anger and you’ll be one of those fat lonely women …

RHONDA

Please, just shut the fuck up. You butt-fucking moron. I wish that woman trapped you in her dungeon.

ROB

Butt-fucking? I’ve never butt-fucked anyone in my entire life.

RHONDA

Ahhhh shit. What have I done now …

ROB

Rhonda, we’ve got to talk about anal … it’s not healthy. I …

~ End

Author’s Note

This was a timed exercise to try and hone my skills in preparation for the 48 Hour Film Project (Melbourne). I still struggle to write good screenplays, log-lines and quick synopsis’, because my writing style is so inherently free-form.

I don’t see or know the plot point going forwards so I need to practice that skill, especially considering film writing is such a precise exercise in restraint.

I also struggle massively with being “funny” or “comedic” because so much of my humour is based off quick witty remarks that I create on the fly. Which means in order for me to write well, I need to create a lot more sentences or phrases that allow me to create these remarks.

So I need to practice making more boring flashpoints for my creative, sarcastic and foul-mouthed side to spark against.

Expect some more in the future!

~ Damocles

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