Tag: writing

Mortality

~ Ninjafang ~ Leave a comment
Charon carries souls across the river Styx by Alexander Dmitrievich Litovchenko

A week ago, I learned that my grandfather passed away

As per tradition with my culture, I was told that as the eldest male amongst the grandchildren there, I had to write a speech about him.

This was a struggle.

Because every single minute I’ve ever spent with the man, was difficult.

We didn’t speak the same language, barely interacted beyond translations from my mother and a strong handshake that gradually got weaker with his age.

He seemed fond of my brother and I, that we had grown up quite tall and strong for boys our size.

But beyond his grateful smile, I don’t really know the man. I didn’t even really know his full name, let alone what he did in the past for a job or his history.

In truth, he was very much a stranger to me, with the sketch outline of a grumpy personality.

The speech I wrote wasn’t very long. If there was a sketch outline of the man, I didn’t exactly fill it in. All I did was just bold the outline itself with a thicker marker.

A letter to my Grandfather …. 

When I think about my grandfather, I think about how happy he always looked when he saw any of his grandchildren come up to greet him. Our family has always been big, but there seems to be a light in his eyes that glowed when he saw his grandkids around him. 

There’s a quote that I think is so true of so many grandparents, that I think about often … “That’s the thing about being a grandfather. I get to do all the things I wished I’d done with my children, and the things I regret, I get to do different.” Grandfather was always so gentle with all of us, from me all the way down to Isaac.

I like to think that he loved being a grandfather, because when we all came around, he seemed happy, content that there are kids running around, adults talking and making a fuss over him and grandma. There was a peace on his face that could only come from having family over. 

I really appreciated his quiet company. I and all the grandkids may not have been able to speak with him all the time, but we knew that he was proud of us, happy to see us and always glad when we could spare some time to visit him. It showed in the smile he greeted us with, the hug he would give us and the handshake he would offer. 

That quiet pride and love he had for all of us was special and we’re all going to miss that in our lives moving forwards.  

So thank you Grandfather for always being happy to see us, for allowing us to make you smile and for being a grandfather that we could always make time for. 

We’re all going to miss you and we hope that you can rest peacefully, knowing that we’re all going to make you proud. 

We’ll look after your children now. 

As you can see, it’s not exactly a illuminating biography of the man. In fact, I was so stuck on what to say for his small obituary, that I had to borrow a line from one of the greatest fictional grandfathers in film history, Kevin Costner’s John Dutton of Yellowstone fame.

I suppose the best line I wrote was “looking after your children”, which served as a rather poignant reminder of our duties to look after the elderly.

Ultimately, I felt more sorry for my mother, who was there when he passed, looking after him in the retirement home. What a traumatic experience. I can’t imagine the grief, loss and anguish she felt, when she realised that he died right in front of her.

My grandfather’s death got me thinking though. Pondering about my own mortality and how I view the world.

I suppose it’s time that I start viewing the world more like an adult. Fearful of the smallest thing that could end you.

After all, the next day I could suffer a heart attack, or get into a car crash. I could slip on something and hit my head on something as it travels down. I could get bit by a venomous animal, crushed by construction work or be unfortunate enough to be on a beach, in the middle of a mass shooting.

But if I’m truly honest, what haunted me throughout the entire funeral, was this one question: How am I going to be remembered?

Seeing the number of people that turned up to the funeral, I was struck by how little friends he had. It was mostly extended family and beyond that turned up. I didn’t see any or many drinking buddies or fellow church-goers, it was just a very solemn affair amongst family.

I didn’t hear any fun anecdotes, or wistful nostalgic trips down memory lane. Instead it was just a few photos of him back in his home country and more recent selfies that had been taken by his daughters.

Will I be remembered this way? Summed up in a collage of 15 photos? Will there be anyone left to actually tell my story? Will they capture me in the way I want to be captured?

Those questions haunted me the entire funeral weekend.

So I suppose the question I want to answer here in a written format, if I was to die tomorrow, what would I want to be remembered for?

I’m struck by a certain film that I loved as a child, Troy (2004) starring Brad Pitt as the imperious Achilles. In that film, there is a recurring theme about kleos, the ancient Greek term for “glory” or “renown.” Achilles, goes to Tory, because he wants to be remembered. It is not enough that a potential wife and child will remember his name. Instead, he wants it etched into the fabric of human history.

If you stay in Larissa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman, and you will have sons and daughters, who will have children. And they’ll all love you and remember your name. But when your children are dead, and their children after them, your name will be forgotten… If you go to Troy, glory will be yours. They will write stories about your victories in thousands of years! And the world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come back… for your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom. And I shall never see you again.

When I was younger, my desire to earn kleos was all-consuming. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be unique and achieve something that very few have. I would lash out at anything that would pin me in a box, that I was a simple puzzle that could be solved.

This made me learn and be fascinated by a lot of things. Fencing. Skateboarding. Alternate music. Napoleonic History. Roman History. Military tactics. NASA. Formula 1. Classical Music. Krav Maga.

I wanted to be good at everything, so that people could look at me in awe.

My arrogance knew no limits, because deep down, I truly believed I was better than the faceless, nameless “masses” out there.

Nowadays, all the kleos I crave, is in the sport I am mediocre at: tennis.

I’m addicted to winning. It’s my inner crave for glory, ignited again.

But I don’t want people at my funeral talking about what a great tennis player I was. Because I never competed on a professional level, I don’t have the capacity to brag about my skills on court.

At the risk of stroking my ego to obscene levels, I hope that people will talk about me as interesting.

I would like to hear the question: “Did you know Damocles did this?” or “Did you know that Damocles was passionate about this?”

That to me, is the best compliment of all, because it shows that not everyone knew all my interests and that I did have a lot of interests, hobbies and passions.

If I can get those questions and discussion going at my funeral, then I know that I really did do my best to explore as much of life as I could. I didn’t limit myself to just my job and one hobby.

I was a curious individual and that showed. I also hope that I am remembered as a moral man, a guy who tried to make the right and best decisions constantly for his family, friends and partner.

I have so much that I am interested in, on a daily basis.

From a sports perspective, I’m passionate about Baseball, Tennis, Formula 1, Fencing and Cricket.

I’m also intrigued by SailGP, MotoGP, English Premier League, Boxing and Free-Running.

I like to think that I am decent at: Writing, Self-Reflection, Emotional Control, Critical Thinking, Simplification of Complex Concepts, overall Athletics, Cooking, Event Management and Film Criticism.

Things that I’ve had a phase in are: Parkour, Skate-boarding, Piano Playing, Journalism, Marine Biology, Paintball and Krav Maga

What are some of my passionate topics that I love to talk about? Napoleonic History, Roman History, Mythology (Norse, Greek or Egyptian), Geopolitics, Military History, Modern Military Tactics and Equipment, Science-Fiction Novels, Film, Lego, Watches, Metal Music, James Bond … etc. etc.

As I am listing all these things I am interested in, I’ve realised that I can’t really sum up who I am, everything I’ve liked and been dabbling in, in a single blog post.

Not only that, I’m also somewhat afraid that if I can sum up who I am in a blog, then that somehow suggests that I can stop being interesting.

An existential crisis indeed.

To sum up what has been a long ramble about death, and my own legacy in a few succinct words:

I’m afraid that when I die, people won’t remember me as interesting.

And to me, that is the worst type of legacy I could leave behind.

So thank you, Grandfather, for the reminder that I need to stay humble, be willing to learn and remain forever curious about the world around me.

~ Damocles

Winning

~ Ninjafang ~ Leave a comment
Challengers (2024) remains one of my favourite films about tennis from an avant garde director …. it also has one of the best NIN scores ever made.

Today, I won my first ever proper tennis match.

The score line? 6-4 6-2

But let’s take a step back here.

It was against a high school friend of mine, a life-long friend that agreed to be my tennis partner in 2026 and who has taken significant steps to improve his game.

It wasn’t an official match. No officials refereed this little match between us.

But …. It wasn’t an easy game either.

For months now, we’ve been relatively equal.

We were both rusty from years away from the court.

We were relatively similar in height, but he was a mite bit taller.

We both liked Wilson racquets, however I splurged early in my tennis journey and used a much more expensive Blade model that I now felt ashamed to use with my inferior skills.

We both couldn’t hold our serves. He was more consistent, but with anemic power on both his first and second serve. Mine were powerful, but uncontrollable. They would slam into the net or blast wildly outside the service box.

At first we couldn’t last longer than a set. He would normally win, as his serves wouldn’t let him down, but mine did with alarming regularity.

We played once a week, but I had a slight advantage as my partner/girlfriend actually wanted to learn how to play, so I had my hand on my racquet more often, coaching her.

This led to me developing a lot of defensive capabilities because I often had to chase the ball more and lob them back into the court. This particular shot would serve me well in this match.

Today, as I gripped my racquet, I felt a bit more confident.

I had been playing with my partner’s friends and my serve was holding OK. I had been practising for weeks, constantly trying to get “on-top” of the ball and make sure it would clear the net and land in.

The serves were now getting more consistent and starting to dart away from my opponents or force an error out of them.

It was becoming a weapon.

A weapon that I didn’t use very well in the first game, because I lost it.

0-1

Not a good start.

But the crack in the armour showed. My tennis buddy didn’t hold serve either.

1-1

Time to reset. Time to get my head out of the funk and focus on the toss.

Up the ball goes, down goes the racquet and crack goes the ball as it ricochets off the ground and surprise my friend with its bounce. He hits it back awkwardly, and I gently slice the ball close to the net.

He runs in, and softly hits it back …. whereupon I lob the damn thing over his head. He tries to jump, but as he lands, all he can do is laugh in appreciation as my lob land inside the court and away from him.

This is now a recurring tactic. I open him up with a big serve, then bait him to come in, before lobbing it over him. Most of the time, it works, but when it does, we get a good rally going where I’m testing my speed and athleticism in trying to reach the ball to return it.

When we get into a rally, it’s he who dictates the game with his volleys, height and reach.

The game goes on and on, neither of us holding serve.

Until suddenly, I try something different at 30-40, 4-4.

I slice the serve.

It catches him completely by surprise and he is unable to do anything as the ball arcs away from his racquet for an ace.

This tiny ace, changes everything. Suddenly, I feel like I’ve wrestled momentum back onto my side. It’s an opportunity and I need to break ahead.

I win the next two games with ease.

6-4

Then its onto the second set, where I’m able to break his serve, hold my own to a dominant win.

I’m tired yes, but I can also tell I got a bit more in the tank than my buddy. He might run marathons, but I got the stronger will to win in tennis.

When the dust settles, it’s a pretty dominant performance. In the second set, I can feel myself being more aggressive, attacking the baseline and going “rip city” on easy balls. I’m not double-faulting as much and my serves have a nasty bounce to them.

Meanwhile, my buddy is starting to throw in the towel. He knows I got the momentum and his very flat serves aren’t really deterring me.

I am also starting to experiment. A little jump before hitting my forehand. Sprinting faster to the ball so that I can try and make a desperate shot to recover.

I’m now starting to loosen up, playing a more experimental game where I want to practice certain shots.

All in all, it was a really good game and a testament to me slowly improving.

I’m also really proud of the way how I handled my occasional double-fault. I don’t let it get to me as much. I have a more reliable second serve that I know I can use to at least fight out the point.

Before in the past, I used to mentally fold. I couldn’t analyse my serve and figure out what went wrong. I would just collapse and try to focus on returning only.

In this game, my serve just felt better. Granted, it’s still not quite where I want it yet, lacking a bit of power, a bit of spin and a bit of control, but it’s a lot better.

Tennis is really becoming my sport. It’s the game I want to go all in on and start playing more competitively. This win, in around 1 hour and 40 minutes, has fuelled my desire to keep upping my game.

I’m now seriously thinking about getting a coach and playing even more regularly than my usual 2-3x a week. I want to meet a player so good, that he makes me want to almost quit, so that I can be humbled.

It feels good to know that I got the beginning of the mental acumen, physicality and skill to try and win a proper match. I might be able to call myself an amateur tennis player now. But that title will only feel right after I’ve won a few more and I’m certain those wins are going to be rare.

Now it’s time to see if I can lose a set and try to come back in a best of 3.

~ Damocles.

2 Months into the 2026 Fitness Journey

~ Ninjafang ~ Leave a comment

Tennis has consumed my life.

I’m down to 84kgs, which means I have lost 3 kgs in 2 months.

This is amazing progress, something I didn’t realise until I typed it out. It’s also gone to show the lengths I’ve taken to commit to this fitness journey.

There are now way more positive routines that I’ve instilled into my daily life.

Immediately after lunch, I like to go for a walk at the office. It’s nothing punishing, just a 30-minute walk at a leisurely pace but it’s enough to keep my legs moving and chipping away at the 10K daily milestone. Averaging around 3-4 thousand steps, up a small hill that just challenges me slightly, it’s the perfect way to shake off the rust of sitting down for 3 hours and get myself moving again.

I like the walk, not only because it gets me away from the office and the stress, but also because it’s nice to breathe the external air and suffer the weather conditions.

Rain, Sun, Wind … I just grit my teeth and get through it because not moving would be worse.

My meals have also shrunk down, to try and accommodate the general rule of outputting more than inputting. But like any part of going on an exercise plan, dieting is the worst part of it all.

I’ve relapsed a little bit here and there. Inhaled a bag of crisps, ate with my eyes over fresh hot chips and downed a bag of Natural Confectionary candy …. but overall I’ve been trying to hold steady. These relapses only happen once a week and I’m trying to not cave or at the very least not eat the whole damn thing in one sitting.

But I know that dieting is the critical key to lose weight. If I continue to eat the same way with the same bad habits and poor choices in food, no amount of tennis, gym and walking is going to help.

So, I’m sticking to my strict, lean meal prep. And to be honest, the scale is reflecting that discipline. Which is a huge relief.

Because if I’ve been angry, frustrated and moody over my stomach rumbling, it better be for something.

But onto more positive news, another really healthy routine is going to the gym with my girlfriend regularly now. It’s been an amazing story to see my girlfriend, who was never an athlete really push herself in the gym and on the tennis courts. Her enthusiasm and infectious need to move motivates me to always push myself as well.

Whilst I keep telling her that her coordination is actually quite good, she doesn’t believe me. So sweetheart, if you are reading this, this is in writing …. your coordination and athleticism are actually there, they’re just a bit rusty and we just need to dig a tiny bit more to get it out of you!

But my primary method to losing weight, is tennis.

Back then, I thought if I played tennis, I would lean myself down to a worthy go-karting weight. It actually worked. I got to my leanest at 74kgs.

And now, when I think about it …. I actually lost interest in racing (due to exorbitant costs) and became a lot more engaged in tennis.

Tennis, even at a recreational level, is still incredibly demanding. I will probably create a separate post on tennis in an IMPACT series, but it tests me like no other sports does.

It also exposes my weak mental side. The side that will relapse because its thinking too much about hot chips. The side that is a little bit lazy and complains when the going gets tough.

When I’m gassed from serving 4x double faults in a row and need to put that failure of a game aside and focus on breaking my opponent’s serve …. the stress is almost insurmountable. I need to believe in my own game; trust my tennis brain will make good IQ plays and not fear the next service game.

It exposes me in the worst way possible, destroying my confidence and yet somehow also restoring it at the same time.

To be honest, the mental aspect of tennis is really the most intriguing part to me. For me, performing at my highest level (which isn’t that good), in spite of the burning heat, the stress of the game and the sheer gladiatorial element is what is going to strengthen my resolve, my mental acumen and my ability to think under immense pressure.

It’s the ultimate way of syncing my physical body to my mental will and desire.

I hope all this development will equate to me being able to lose even more weight and become ever more trim.

Until the next update ….

~Damocles.

Do You Feel Safe?

~ Ninjafang ~ Leave a comment

Police are urging those with dashcam or CCTV footage to come forward.

It’s different when you read those words and realise that it’s referring to the street you live on.

It hits even harder when you realise that the victim could have been you. A guy who was sent to the hospital with multiple stab wounds, just because he refused to give up his phone.

The 32-year-old was walking home from work when a car started following him.

As a guy who regularly walks around his neighbourhood at any random hour and is nearly 32 … it hit me just how this could have been me. This attack wasn’t premeditated or planned. This was random.

Whilst I would argue that I would have better sense to run away, or realise something is wrong when a car is following me, it’s still terrifying to know that this could happen to me.

In a way, learning about this incident made me feel justified in learning Krav Maga. But like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it’s also made me extra paranoid.

My neighbourhood is very safe. Having lived over 10 years here, I’ve always felt like I could go outside for a walk and not worry about anything. Everything is well-lit, people are friendly, dogs are being walked everywhere … I’ve never not felt safe.

But I didn’t grow up idolising spies for nothing. My head has always been on a swivel no matter where I am. My girlfriend has complained that I am always scanning my surroundings when we are walking, that whilst the habit has lessened with her, it is still an ingrained habit to check where the fire escapes are when I enter a new restaurant.

Taking in the moment, is the same as taking in the environment I find myself in.

The stabbing of the random man, was a sobering moment for me. It meant that I had to be extra cautious when I walked outside, that the moment I opened the gates and hopped into my car, I could face trouble.

That particular incident happened 5 weeks ago.

Only recently I learned two things.

My brother’s car window was smashed

And my car experienced an attempted robbery.

Someone came up to my car and gave it a good tug, checking whether it was locked or not. It was my mother who caught him mid-tug, and wondered what he was doing before he subsequently ran away.

Worse still, was my poor brother, whose right rear window was completely shattered. We exchanged theories on who it could be, what could have happened, but fortunately, aside from the annoyance of replacing the window, luckily in both cases, nothing was stolen.

But the ease had set in. My mind was now extra alert, extra paranoid and mulling violent thoughts.

I like to think I know my capacities pretty well.

I wanted to learn Krav Maga because it has every dirty trick in the book.

But even before I took lessons, I was already a dirty fighter.

I knew that if I ever got into a fist fight, I was going straight for my torch, blinding my opponent with the beam, before smashing their jaw with the hard edge of the torch and sprinting as fast as I can in the opposite direction before they can even register what happened to them.

Because when you’re alone and potentially outnumbered …. you hit as hard as you can and you run.

People hate cardio.

My job is to make sure I hate it a bit less than they do, so I survive another night.

This is the problem when something violent happens on your front doorstep. You start coming up with insane violent thoughts to process, to wonder and to brace yourself. Because you know deep down, once violence turns up, it never stops until someone is dead at your feet.

Violence can only be met with superior violence. It’s no good cutting a man’s arm off. He’ll still try to stab you with the other hand. You need to behead him to properly end everything.

That is the one thing I’ve noticed in watching so much police body camera footage.

You de-escalate whenever you can. You talk, plead, then shout and finally command.

But if they ignore everything, you draw your gun and you end the threat.

I don’t know what type of threat is out there, but it’s in my neighbourhood now. I can hear angry shouts that can only come from substance abuse. A man, my age, was stabbed. My brother’s car was smashed into, and a stranger tried to break into my car. A man once walked into my home, and tried to open the door. Last year, my friend’s car was broken into and he lost valuables.

It would be foolish of me to assume that everything is rosy in my area.

I need to stay vigilant and wary.

To answer my question ….

Do YOU feel safe?

No, I definitely do not.

If anything, and this is a mixed feeling, I feel almost vindicated in how paranoid I’ve been all these years. Vindicated but also saddened that I was right. Call me a cynic, but you can’t trust people. I’ve watched and seen too much law enforcement and military footage to believe anything else.

People are unpredictable, and with how the local judgement has been on crime lately, it’s not surprising to see that crime has risen.

But at the same time, I understand that desperation. Cost-of-living has shot up and that means the number of people who are now desperate has gone up too. A car is an easy target to get quick valuables.

Yet, that only proves my theory about the unpredictable nature of humanity.

In the end, to survive in this world, you need to keep your enemies at bay, by having a strong community around you. People you trust, people who will have your back in desperate times and most importantly friends and family that you can lean on for help.

No man is an island. It takes a village to keep the marauders away.

And I can definitely sense them lurking around in my neighbourhood.

Whilst it may be exhausting to be vigilant all the time, it’s a whole lot better than the alternative.

Life is already tough.

Let’s not make being a crime statistic a part of it.

Eyes on a swivel and make sure you know how to run real damn fast.

~ Damocles.