FIT Lvls – BMI 28.1// 85kgs
The damn eyelid has been twitching like crazy this week.
Messina has become this inferno and I feel like I’ve become a fireman, desperately trying to beat back the flames. It’s unrelenting just how often things go wrong and I always feel like I’m being reactive instead of proactive.
In other words, the flames are licking at my feet and the damn hose I’m using it’s pumping out water fast enough.
It doesn’t help that for the first time in my life, I’ve truly felt my insecurities blossom up. They’re bubbling up so frequently that I’m wondering what the hell is going on. My confidence has waned and I’m not quite sure what is going on with me mentally. The past few weeks of struggle regarding my health hasn’t helped the quiet anxiety that has been etching away at the granite that was my confidence.
As I was talking to my partner about the struggles of work, it was then I realised the gravity of my situation.
An epiphany hit me like a truck.
It’s not like I wasn’t happy working full time, or in a hospitality field that included events … it was the fact that I knew, deep down, I had fallen into another rut.
For some reason, I seem cursed to constantly land jobs that cause me to rust away inside. They are dead-end jobs, jobs that don’t have clear ladders, futures or something over the horizon. They are jobs that expect me to be happy, knowing that my brain is not being stretched to its full capacity.
They are positions that will become routine and deathly boring. I can’t climb, I can’t exercise and I can’t think.
Just like the retail stint before. Or the menial hospitality jobs. Or the mind-numbing air-con factory work.
I
Hate
This
Feeling.
It’s what causes me to break mentally. I can sense it.
Whenever I come to this realisation about my job, an stark, clear image always burns itself onto my mind.
The picture of a medieval sword, rust all along its once shiny blade. The knight goes to draw, but the weapon becomes stuck in the scabbard and he is struck down, because the blade was ill-maintained.
And the picture terrifies me. I hate seeing it, because I can see my reflection along the blade. I have no desire to become a rusty sword, and suddenly I feel myself bucking around internally like a wild horse, eager to escape it’s stable.
There have been too many big revelations in the past few weeks. Things have gotten way too heavy and it’s time to shed some weight. I’ve come to term about my current health and am currently working hard to fix the diet and make more time to exercise. It doesn’t matter if I do my super-set/circuit twice a week. What matters is that I move, I do it often and I try to burn as much as possible.
It’s time to pick another day where I will always exercise. Currently, Mondays are the days I do my circuit training, but it’s time to add another day of the week and commit to it hard.
The other realisation that I’ve hit in this blog just now, is about the nature of my job. Yes, it’s shit. Yes, it’s unpredictable, chaotic, stress-inducing and all consuming.
But … that is the hand I’ve been dealt with. There is no point in bitching about it now.
Mentally, I’ve complained enough. It’s counter-intuitive, it’s counter-productive and it’s counter-revolutionary. I was bought in to shake up, redesign and establish myself in this job and I’ve failed to do so.
All because I kept getting hung up over the smallest of issues. That my life was being dictated by work and its event schedule.
It’s time for me to acknowledge that fact and learn to work around it. It doesn’t matter if its the morning, the afternoon, the evening or zero dark thirty … I’ve got to make the most of my day and that means getting away from the computer, more onto books, more into exercise and more into friends.
Sure it sucks, but if I want to be any semblance of the man I can be, I’ve got to embrace this suck. Things will start to look up, the moment I focus more on the things I can control and be OK with the things I can’t.
I’ve also got to discover if I truly have a future in Messina, whether they will actually let me grow or whether this is it.
If this is all there is to my life for the foreseeable future … I’m out. I refuse to settle for this, when I know deep down, my potential is yet to be fully unlocked.
But if there is something ahead for me in this company, then I shall ride out this wave and find myself on a beach that will promise me something greater than what I am doing now.
Until that happens though … I’ve got to put my head down, focus and stop making little mistakes that chip away at my credibility and my ego.
Rebuilding starts now and the moment I feel the urge to exercise, it’s time to pick up the plate carrier and go to work.
The sword of Damocles needs some restoration and that will only come with proper work and care.
Embrace the suck and remember …. ex nihilo nihil fit.
Nothing comes from nothing.
~ Damocles.
Damocles' Journal 